Trump Won't Like This...
A witty little ditty for Commander Clusterfuck in Chief
What a wild ride this season of America has been in 2025. From democracy to oligarchy to likely full-on dick-tater-ship in the span of a few months. Not to mention the egomaniacal colonialism plans to rename the Gulf of WhatsHerFace, economically take Canada, and just flat-out usurp Greenland.
Phew, a lot has happened this year — and we’re only a quarter through.
I don’t know what’s on your bingo card, but mine has everything from pestilence to pox to plague.
I thought I’d do a quick recap of Girth Vader’s unpresidential shenanigans and ensuing clusterfuck — in the form of a poem. You know, to make the Democrapocalypse…pithy.
*Ahem…
Oh President Tantrump,
You one-pump chump.
Oh President Donnorrhoea,
You human gonorrhea…
Your waffling on tariffs is giving us the ick
You melting hippo, it’s not an economic trick
They won’t make your gov a buck on the quick
You just tank the economy like a concrete brick
You’ll have your peasants picking fruit by the end of the years
And your country’s GDP will still end up being in arrears
Your people will be slaving, making iPhones for Apple
And they still won’t afford nary a bucket of Snapple
Oh Cheat-oh McDust,
You piece of crust.
Oh Foolius Caesar,
You serial displeaser…
Your economic policy construed by ChatGeppetto
Has economists screaming in their best falsetto
You previously bankrupted 6 casinos and now, America
Your suspiciously growing fortune, your kids will inherita
Your ego’s more fragile than a long game of Jenga
You should be treated with Flagyl by Josef Mengele
You make your sycophants kiss your ass and ring
You act like pants too tight on a boy-turned-king
Oh SlimeDog Billionaire,
You utter doctrinaire.
Oh Schmuck a l’orange,
You sea cucumber that spawned…
Your cabinet choices were clearly done drunk in the dark
They timeshare a brain cell that when rubbed won’t spark
All the king's whoreses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty Trumpty together again
You have megalomaniacal dreams of expansion
You’ll stop at nothing, not even full sanction
Your obsession with size makes you a dick
All to make up for the size of your prick
Oh Vanity Manatee,
You economic calamity.
Oh Hair Farce One,
You human on stun…
Canada will never be your 51st state
A moot point that’s not up for debate
Greenland’d also like you to fuck right off
So go comb what’s left of your barren coif
Even your army of Hicksbollah followers
Are broke to the point of becoming borrowers
Your inbredsurrectionists are losing patience quick
Even the loyal yeehawdists grow tired of your shtick
Oh Orange Cockwomble,
You clusterfuck ensemble.
Oh Tangerine Turdworm,
You run amok sperm…
Your meager popularity is already in decline
From your plan, to be a divinely designed swine
Your days are numbered before you’re ousted in a riot
Because Americans miss the days of liberty and quiet
Previously you chanted, hang Mike Pence
But they kept the gallows, for your penitence
When your Talibanjos learn you sold them out for dollars
‘Take him out’ will echo the White House with their hollers
Oh Dicktator Fraudfather
You petulant bother.
Oh Madam Musk,
You human husk…
Your days are numbered you masochistic swine
Your polls are cumbered and in sadistic decline
The first president to be ousted for crypto-based crime
The biggest impeachment of all Crisco-laced time
Apprentice-style fired, will be Trump’s season finale
And when you’re gone, all your people will rally
America will fix the rift that separated the nation
And reinstate the friggin department of education
Bonus (lazy limerick-esque) Mini Poem:
(because I wrote it and it didn’t fit in the rest)
You’re effin’ dumbstruck,
You total fun suck,
You human upchuck,
You geriatric cuck,
— off you should fuck.
Second bonus because I also wrote this and didn’t want to delete it into the digital ether:
Oh Spraytan Stalin, you’re ‘ick’ — a human cheese grater
Oh Kumquat Kleptocrat, you’re thick — a po’ man’s dictator
Oh President Frump, you dick — an utter human tater
Oh Captain Corndog, you’re sick — an American traitor
Do You Want To Support My Poetry? Or Pay Me To Never Do It Again?
I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…
$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you frugal? Nope, I’d love you)
$2 per month (equal love here)
$3 per month (ditto)
$4 per month (you rebel)
$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
I like "Vanity Manatee" but I feel like it's unfair to manatees...
Orange cockwomble got me 🤣