9 Ways to Survive A Hostile Government Takeover

Tips to get through the Democrapocalypse

Are you one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who feel angsty about living in a hostile government takeover? Or perhaps you’re one of the world’s billions of on-lookers, eating your feeling’s worth of popcorn while watching Captain Clusterfuck take a chainsaw to the constitution.

Sigh, it’s not easy living through the American apocalypse.

You simultaneously have to watch a cabinet of custard-brained repubtards spout gibberish while playing war in group chats — and get ready for work. You listen to President Yokel Haram and his Boko Morons drone on about DOGE while doing your taxes, then clean the toilet.

Life is lifey already, it doesn’t need a democracy doomsday to be stressful…but here we are.

How in hell on earth are you expected to keep yourself in a cataclysmic dread deficit these days?

The answer is simple — you have to.

Your kids still need to go to pickleball practice and your boss still expects you to finish that quarterly report on the inventory of Whatchamacallems and Whozeewhatzits. And your taxes aren’t going to falsify themselves, no matter how long you put them off for.

We’ve gotta get you back to life-ing, so here are my strategies for surviving the USSApocalypse (USSA is like the USSR but with more John Deere and Pabst)…

1. Don’t Move to Margaritaville

Whatever you do — Don’t turn the democracy debacle into a drinking game. If you drank every time Trump said something stupid or hostile, you’d be drunker than Hegseth on spring break.

While it’s a good temporary escape, the United States currently has a shortage of livers thanks to rampant alcoholism and carb-loaded mukbangs. Getting higher than Snoop Dogg might be a better option.

2. Medicate Your Feelings

Since you can’t drown your feelings in booze until your liver is pickled, might I recommend medication? This works especially well for Gen Xers and millennials, who are used to shoving their feelings down into the pit of their stomachs and then pouring booze on them til the ouchy goes away.

For y’all I recommend 69 milligrams of Fuckitol.

*Gen Z may require an extra dose since they haven’t been marinating their feelings in toxins for decades, so they haven’t withered and atrophied yet.

3. Disassociation 🌈

For those not looking to turn to booze or pills to dull the apocalyptic anxiety — have you tried disassociation? If you’re unfamiliar with DA, it’s when your brain simply leaves the group chat. It checks out entirely and begins orbiting the rings of Saturn.

Be careful to properly schedule your disengagement from reality, so that it doesn’t interfere with the rest of your day of ‘getting shit done’. DA can really infect your day, so plan accordingly. Perhaps set a timer while you let your brain buffer in the void.

4. Take up a New Religion

If you aren’t religiously affiliated, why not take one up? At least praying gives you something to do, and it’s not too far from the barely audible muttering to yourself you’ve been doing on the hour these days.

Might I suggest one of the ‘master plan’ ones where you can excuse reality and your part and place in it by saying ‘God has a plan’.

As added religiosity bonuses, you’ll feel immediately more sanctimonious and you can distract yourself by spending time getting others to join your cult. And, no matter what happens, after the hostile apocalypse is over and your time comes you’ll get unlimited happiness in heaven. Or 72 virgins. Choose wisely (but, *spoilers* banging virgins isn’t fun).

5. Scream

Sometimes you just need to clear the anxiety, dark energy, and mad mojo from the hostile government takeover out of your brain. What better way to release it than to scream?

You can scream into the ether, your screaming pillow (if you don’t have one of these yet, get one, you’ll need it), or into the panic room / scream room / soundproof podcasting recording studio.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Ok, you done now? Get it all out.

6. Ostrich

Have you ever seen how seething mad a pissed-off ostrich can get? No wonder they ‘ostrich’ their problems away by sticking their heads in the sand. Do the same.

If you don’t have a sandbox yet, build one. You’re going to need it repeatedly over the next few years, to shove your head into when things turn to omnishambles again.

You may want to consider turning the sand-box into a sand-moat. You can fill it with DIY quicksand to protect yourself if times get real bad and the Inbredsurrectionists, Gravy Seals, and Green Buffets are darkening your doorstep.

7. Protest

We needed hobbies to get through the pandemic, we’ll need hobbies to get through the democrapocalypse. Take up protesting. There will be no shortage of events to take part in, there’s a lot of walking involved so you get exercise points, and you’ll get plenty of fresh air.

It also involves plenty of soothing arts and crafts, like making life-sized posters of Felon Musk and The Fraudfather.

8. Run (Away)

Listen, you’re not Captain Freakin’ America. You’re not a captain at all; you’re a plumber in Bumfuck Idaho. You don’t need to go down with the ship.

Run.

Do it ‘Get Out’-style. Keep running until the accents start sounding funny, then claim asylum. Or insanity.

9. Cry

Do it periodically, to get the sad out. Cry in your car while listening to Rage Against The Machine. Cry in the shower because the tears get conveniently washed away.

If you cry while masturbating you get the bonus of your tears being free lube. The Swedish even have a name for crying while masturbating — it’s called “gråtrunka”.

*Bonus Survival Tactic: 10. Become a Comatose Sloth

Are you someone who enjoys sleep and doesn’t have terrifying nightmares (or at least doesn’t remember them)? Well, then sleep might be the answer for you. Start taking siestas to turn your brain on buffer mode.

Sleep a little longer, since sleep is the freest vacation of all. Sloths sleep 15–18 hours a day, and look how happy those cute lil bastards look.

For insomniacs and those who feel like a night’s sleep or an afternoon siesta isn’t enough to clear the clusterfuckery from your brainsicle, may I recommend another sleep-related option — slip into a nice, comfy, coma.

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What Do You Really Do?

Live your life. Yes, you’re in the middle of a hostile takeover, but you still have bills so you have to go to work. Yes, the government is being led by psychos, inepts, and Vanilla ISIS — but you still have to brush your teeth.

Focus on what you can control, and do that.

Focus on what you have to do, because your mortgage can’t be paid with an ethereal dark cloud of anxiety. So get up every day, check the Waffle House Index, then go on with your business. (The Waffle House Index is used for natural disasters because if the Waffle House is closed, shit is bad. If your Waffle House is open, then you’ll survive the day.)

Focus on what you need to do to survive physically and mentally to stay afloat.

But other than that, just keep living. Find the joy you had before the Orange Turdburglar took office, and keep doing that. Keep cross-stitching like you always did, even if it’s only to write out “This too shall pass but holy fuck” on it. Protest (or burn down) a Tesla dealership, but then go make some sourdough bread and eat the whole thing.

Focus on what is in your control, because if it’s not your toilet — it’s not your shit. And the whole country being in the crapper isn’t on your shoulders.

Your job is to wait it out. Wait for this shitstorm’s dust to settle, whether that be in a month or 3.7 years (assuming he doesn’t crown himself Emperor Twatwaffle). Eventually, positive moves will start being made to course-correct the fuckery, like Cory Booker’s inspirational marathon speech yesterday.

When the time comes, you’ll need your strength — so recharge your battery now. One day, you and the others will need to muster the resiliency that the American/human spirit is made of.

Be ready, and rested.

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