Woo-Woo Crystals Are Hippy Voodoo Bullshit
Ladies, crystals are weighing down your soul… and your pants.
When you deep clean your house — do you strap sage, apophyllite, kyanite, and unobtainium to a Roomba? Did you try to charge your Tesla with moonlight? Do you realign your chakras with uranium ore?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you might be under the influence of crystals (or, crystal meth). I get it, shiny stones are pretty! But their influence should stop at feng shui.
‘But Robin, crystals make me feel so grounded!’
Yeah. You’ve got a pocket full of rocks. You’ve discovered Newton’s law of universal gravitation. The rocks are your apple; the ‘grounding’ is gravity. Those rocks are literally trying to pull you back down to earth.
Ladies, can we stop with the crystals bullshizzle? Suffragettes are rolling over in their graves. Pioneering female scientist Marie Curie didn’t die from polonium crystal exposure so we could worship the magical powers of shiny geology.
Our foremothers wouldn’t be the only people laughing. A lot of dudes are too. How would I know that? Well, anecdotally (like the magic powers of pebbles)…a while ago I changed my dating profile to include ‘crystals are hippy voodoo’ (and ‘astrology is for people who don’t understand how astronomy works’) and I practically got a standing O from the men.
There are apparently a lot of men who are sick of pretending to care about your crystals (…and star signs).
‘Robin, lots of men want to hear about my crystals!’
Hmm. Do those men by any chance want to have sex with you?
Men might want the Tesseract stone from The Avengers, but as a nerdy collectible —they don’t think it will actually ward off evil spirits. And they’re not going to quit their job at the mine because it whispered to them about bad chakra alignment. It’s a generalization, but in my experience, men don’t like crystals.
The only way crystals can protect you is if you put them in a sock and turn it into a weapon. Or if you throw it hard enough.
If pretty pebbles make you happy, coo coo — but don’t expect wizard-like powers…or, let them make decisions for you. They’re holding you down, figuratively and literally (rocks are heavy).
Ashley and Her Magical Pet Rock
I had a friend who was into crystals (ok, technically a friend of a friend), Ashley. A few years ago Ash broke up with her new, surprisingly-stable boyfriend because one of her crystals broke. Which one? I don’t know, it was blue and shiny — and probably called something like Sha-la-la-lyte.
Apparently, it had absorbed too much bad energy and she thought the bad energy was coming from this dude. But, exactly how much bad cosmic energy can an accountant have? This rash decision-making, based on a little gem cracking, meant she dumped probably the best guy she’d ever dated.
Don’t worry, her new boyfriend had much better vibes. He was a butterfly wrangler or something.
Don’t Break the Geology Bank
Playing with cool rocks is fun, geologists and children would agree. But they shouldn’t influence your life choices or ability to thrive.
How much money will you spend on crystals? Oh, you’re buying them on credit? So….magic money to pay for enchanted rocks. Your ‘abundance manifesting’ rock purchase shouldn’t mean you can’t pay rent that month.
Men, if you’re confused here and wondering, ‘How much could little rocks possibly cost?’. Well, apparently anywhere from $2 to $18,000.
‘Ok, but how many would you need and why not just buy the cheap ones then?’. Great question, well — each stone has different powers. These can range from communication to intuition to miracles to abundance to cleansing, and beyond. And you can’t just pick based on price, you have to find the one that resonates the right vibrational energy for you…or something.
Don’t Bring Rocks to Work
My buddy Grace works in HR and marvels at what people put on resumes. After we’d had a giant dinner out one night, she mentioned someone who put competitive eating on their resume. That made us giggle.
She said she sees all sorts of funny things on resumes, and knowing how I feel about things like ‘manifesting’, crystals, and astrology she told me she’s seen crystals under ‘hobby’ sections on resumes. When I giggled, ‘Well, did they get the job?’ you could hear her eyes roll.
Should mukbangs, gangbangs, or crystals stop someone from hiring you? Legally, no — but people have been passed on for much less.
Don’t Let Crystals Make Decisions
If you have the money, think they’re fun, and won’t dump Steve for them — perfect. But also be careful about touting or acting on their ‘healing’ effects.
Yes, some people believe crystals can heal physical illness. Like this website:
What if someone bought the Green Apatite on that website for its “heart-healing properties” because “It is especially useful for those suffering from heart disease.”…and then didn’t get the beta blockers that might save their life?
Or how about the dangers of these websites about using crystals for cancer:
Hopefully, this was after someone searched for things like chemotherapy or immunotherapy — and it was just for a little cosmic pick me up. But talking about something too casually for too long in large numbers can lead to legitimating it sometimes. So ladies, let’s be careful in what we say crystals can do.
If pretty stones make you happy and are a fun placebo…fine (I guess). But don’t dump your boyfriend, quit your job, or skip on antibiotics (or, chemo) for them. Don’t use crystals for healthcare, life decisions, or in place of therapy.
Who knows, after looking at all these pictures I might get a pretty rock for decoration, or buy a Himalayan lamp to use as a salt lick.
But I won’t anthropomorphize them (anthropomorphizing rocks should have ended in the 70s with the Pet Rock), or tote them around in a little sac like I’m geologist Santa.
Thanks for reading this — you rock! I hope my bad jokes didn’t just fluorite over your head. Have a gneiss day!
I’m done, I promise.
I have some, but in a “the Earth does some pretty cool shit” kind of way, not the “these bitches are gonna align the piss outta my chakras” way.
Crystals and gemstones are great for fiction writing, decorations, and tchotckes. The end.