Uh, Hustle Harder, You Lazy Bitch
There are 37 usable hours in your day, if…
These days, if you’re not wildly ultra-mega-douche successful, then you’re a lazy wankmuffin. There are 24 usable hours in every day and you’re wasting time sleeping and pooping, it’s unforgiveable. It’s the reason you’re an abject failure and not a mega-yacht-owning, quadruple transparent belt (that’s three levels above black belt) entrepreneur.
You lazy little bitch, with your sloth-like decompression time.
I’ll bet you even blink, don’t you? Pfft, I knew it.
You piddly, personified turnip.
You’re wasting valuable hours taking your eyes off the prize. Humans blink between 12–20 times per minute, and each blink lasts between 0.1 and 0.4 seconds. Let’s average that at 15 blinks per minute lasting .25 seconds. That’s a mindboggling almost 4 seconds per minute, or 240 seconds (4 minutes) per hour.
If we extrapolate that into an entire year, which is 8,760 hours — that’s 35,000 minutes you’ve wasted of your life, annually. That’s almost 600 hours people, that you’re not being mechahyperproductive.
Now that we’ve fixed your blinking slothitude, onto cramming more hours into your day. For that, I’ll rely on the king of the hustlepreneur douches, Ed Mylett. You know how a flock of crows is called a ‘murder’? Well a gaggle of four or more bros is called a ‘douche’.
Eddie runs on a calendar similar to the Centaurion time from Men In Black. When Will Smith’s character Jay was clutching a coffee like it was the last chopped pulling out of ‘Nam, experiencing exhaustion, he asked, “Zed, don’t you guys ever get any sleep around here?”. And Zed responded with, “The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven-hour day. Give it a few months. You’ll get used to it… or you’ll have a psychotic episode.”
Yeah, my man Eddie has cracked that code. He brilliantly didn’t add more hours to your day — he added more days to your day.
“Here’s what I know about MAXOUT elite performers. They get more done in a six-hour window than most people get done in an entire day…My days are 6 days long. My first day is from 6:00 AM to noon. I aim to get a full day’s work done between that time period. To me, a day is that 6 hour period, and so my perception of time has been altered, and it’s transformed who I am.
Noon to 6:00 PM is my second day. And in that second day, I fill my time up with a full day’s worth of fun memories, meetings, and phone calls. It’s a day for relationships, connection, and getting stuff done. My third day is from 6:00 PM to midnight, and it consists of the same: work, relationships, and success. Guys — the amount of work that you can get done if you adopt this schedule is honestly incredible. It’s going to blow your mind,” Ed writes on EdMylett.com
And here you’ve been only getting a single day from your day. Pfft, pussy.
If you’re wondering how people in the hustle-hard gliterrati are accomplishing Prodigious Psyops Performance levels — I can guess at their secret.
Initially, you start with adderall, immediately starting on the max dosage of 40mg — then accelerating to then capping out at 2,000mg. When your heart starts doing palpitations to the cucaracha, it’s time to move to the ketamine-ecstacy cocktail diet that Elon is on. By year two, you’ll graduate to meth, so be sure to have a calcium-rich diet, to avoid tooth decay.
And don’t worry, by year five, when the meth becomes less efficacious, you’ll have invented a new nootropic, called SuperMax Extremephedrine. By year ten, because everybody with ambition has a ten-year plan, you’ll have been absorbed via osmosis into the Illuminati. Once in their inner sanctum, they’ll share that drug from the movie Limitless with you.
It will morph you into a lizard-person hybrid, but don’t worry — you’ve already mastered the art of not blinking.
Wait, where are you going?
Come back, and I’ll tell you my top-secret anti-hustle plan.
The best part about my MegaIdiosyncratic Lazy Fucker plan, is that it’s easy to learn and has naps. The first stage of the MILF plan is to turn standard hustle-culture advice on its head.
For example, a classic piece of hustledvice is Ross Simmonds’s quote, “Greatness only comes before hustle in the dictionary.” Yeah, but David Sedaris said, “If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” So instead of searching for greatness, just stop at shit. Don’t do shit.
As MILFers, we say fuck it to advice like, “If you aren’t where you want to be, it’s because you don’t want it bad enough.” As a MILF, you simply change where you want to be.
Ta-da!
The only other specific is that it’s based on a Fainéant time clock. This time system uses 13-hour days, with the remaining 11 hours spent between sleeping and an arrangement of strategically placed, non-optional naps.
If you’re wondering, how does this make me collossastupendously rich and powerful — it doesn’t. But it still has roughly the same odds of you being ingratiated into the illuminati lizard people, as becoming a sleep-deprived, psychosis-induced, hustle-the-mostest time vampire does. So just buy a hammock and relax.
You’re welcome.
I’m in. Non-optional naps sound lush 😍
This is great advice! Now I understand why I’m an abject failure!