The 28,000-Year-Old Dildo
Humans have been feral fornicating monkeys since the dawn of time apparently.
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We humans are a feral species of fuckers. We’ve been masturbatory monkeys since the caveman days, and this 28,000-year-old dildo is a testament to our primordial fuckery.
This archaic screwnicorn was found in the Hohle Fels caves in Germany. I always knew the Germans were a particularly freaky bunch, but apparently they have a long ancestry of kinkitude. This find is officially the world’s oldest dildo on record.
And because I know you’re wondering, it’s 8 inches long.
“Shaped to serve their purpose, and made out of anything from antler bone to bread sticks, the rediscovery of these bedroom buddies could rewrite the history of female sexuality,” writes Ancient Origins about the Hohle Fels Phallus.
This prehistoric fucktoy was a major discovery as there are ample depictions of female genitalia (believed to be artistic, and not prehistoric pocket pussies), but very few of male netherregions. Thanks to this archaic joystick discovery, we now know that women of ancient yore were self-pleasuring their she-caves.
Researchers noted how ‘polished’ it was, denoting that it was well-used.
Homoerectus-turned-homosapien women in Germany weren’t the only ones diddling their caves with masturbatory aids. There are ample examples throughout history and geographic regions, including this one from ancient China:
Ok, I thought the Germans were a sexually eccentric bunch — but China really takes the dildo cake here with their double dong device.
Research from Hallie Lieberman found that these double-dong dildos can be found going back at least 13,000 to 19,000 years across the Eurasian regions. They alter slightly region to region and specimen to specimen, but are all phallic, show signs of use — and have etched ‘rings’ to make it appear truly phallic. Although I think that was an ancient attempt at making it ‘ribbed for her pleasure’.
I wonder if the double drilldo above from ancient China is from the Dong people.
Roman Romping & Greek Dildo Gloves
No talk about ancient sexual practices could be complete without mentioning the Roman pervs and Greek depravity. Both societies had dildos, which were depicted in art and stories. Of course they did though, they’d have neede toys for their throngs of old-time orgies.
Oh look, a Roman dildoian relic:
This ancient Roman selfie stick, despite not being as old as the German stone phallus, is made of wood. Interesting choice, Romans. Of all the places I wouldn't want to splinters, I think my coochie would be top of that list. Ouchie.
Experts have questioned the purpose of this 6.3-inch phallic object, wondering if it was, in fact, a sex toy.
Their first theory is that it is a dildo, but was used for torture, not pleasure.
Another theory is that it wasn’t a ladystick at all, and was a pestle used in a mortar. That pestle could have been for culinary (not kinky) purposes, or for medicinal ingredient crushing, which the Romans believed were imbued with magical powers.
I don’t know about scientists, but I have my doubts that a Roman witch would’ve bothered giving her pestle a dick head.
And I’ve never seen a kitchen pestle that was ribbed for her pleasure.
Now onto the Greeks. Ancient Greece was incredibly forward-thinking, developing technology like the water clock, the odometer, and the Antikythera Mechanism. They were also fairly sexually evolved. They had state-sponsored sex work, and they didn’t categorize sexuality into gay or straight.
Unsurprisingly, they too had pocket rockets.
“Dildos assume a prominent role in Aristophanes’ comedic play Lysistrata (411 BCE). In a bid to end the Peloponnesian War, Lysistrata instructs the women of the warring cities to refuse sexual favours to their husbands and lovers until the men negotiate peace. To prevent their own frustration, she instructed them to satisfy their needs in the meantime with use of their eight-fingered leather dildos… as a sort of flesh-replacement for our poor cunts,” writes Barcelona Metropolitan
As a modern, sexual woman, I’ve seen a lot of sex toys in my day. But I’ve never come across an eight-fingered leather dildo. Or any eight-fingered pussy plunger. And I have questions — why eight fingers? We only have 5 fingers on each hand and only two holes down there. So what is it, 5 in the pink, 3 in the stink?
Speaking of arses…we’ve come to the end of my tales of ancient dildoians. I suppose I should pull some sort of ‘teachable moment’ lessonout of my ass to use as a conclusion.
I guess…don’t be afraid to go fuck yourself?
People have been doing it since the dawn of time when we learned how to make stone tools. First, we made spears, then we made jigglesticks. And as of recently, we gave the jigglesticks Bluetooth.
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Screwnicorn is my new favourite word. It needs its own emoji.
I will never think of a "selfish stick" in the same way again!