Stones and Hos: The History of Caveman Prostitution
Stone Age? I Think You Mean BONE Age
Hey peeps, today I’m featuring some comedic writing from one of best buddies in the entire writing world,
. I laughed my cavewoman-brained ass off with this one and thought it would be right up some of your alleys.This is Jason’s face, and his iconic hair:
For those of you who found me through Jason and already saw this—well, I guess you get to laugh at it again. For those who don’t know Jason, he’s hilarious…and one of the fastest-growing Substackers out there right now. So check his Substack out and see why he’s making such an impact here.
Oh, and when he’s not busy being mouthy and hilarious—he supports me in every way possible because he has the biggest heart behind that mouth…and hair.
Last night, my Bride and I landed on the topic of prostitution. Specifically, prehistoric prostitution. These are the oddball things we come up with daily. When you’re married to a funny person, it happens.
It started with one of us talking about “The world’s oldest profession”, as they call it. We’re both of the opinion that it should be legal to sell your body. If you are so inclined to earn money that way and can find a willing, able customer, who’s to say it’s wrong? The Moral Majority can suck it. For a price.
And perhaps they should. Those assholes are so uptight and judgmental, perhaps getting laid would help chill them out. When you make everything enjoyable in the world a “sin”, people tend to be drawn to those things even more. Ask your teenagers about that one, Christians. They’re hiding more from you than you know.
We started laughing at the idea of prehistoric man and woman coming up with the idea of prostitution. What would that even look like, so far back? If it truly is the world’s oldest profession, someone had to negotiate the first sale of ass in history.
We both quickly agreed that cavewomen called the shots, first. Let’s face it, women are prettier than men. I have to assume that the first cave person who realized they had a desirable product to sell was a woman. Big boobs, round butts, c’mon. You know I’m right.
I mean, have you seen a penis? Now imagine a prehistoric dick with a two-foot-in-diameter bush surrounding it. Like an unclean tumbleweed with a caveman club in the middle of it. I doubt it would be an Amazon best-seller.
Plus women are more rational thinkers than men are, speaking in generalities. Cavemen’s thoughts were limited to “HUNT. EAT. POOP. FUCK.” Cavewomen had far more responsibilities, such as keeping the cave clean, taking care of their dozen children (no prehistoric condoms, after all), and preparing Brontosaurus burgers for dinner.
It seems plausible that Cavewomen were more likely to come up with a business plan than the Cavemen. Their chiseling penmanship was probably a lot neater, and clearer to read. This made it easier to create a pricing list type of menu for the newfound business of prehistoric prostitution.
I also theorize that the first Cave Ho was a widow. Her Cave Husband probably went out on the hunt for food, took a wrong turn, and got squashed by a Brontosaurus taking a step. Ain’t that about a bitch?
Out of necessity to feed her young, Cave Woman decided to peddle her ass to feed her now-fatherless children. Sure, Droog’s best friend Fred may have been waiting in line to become her new husband and stepdaddy to her tribe of Cave Kids, but no. She wasn’t going to just take the first offer in front of her.
She had needs and goals. She wanted fur clothing, new bones to go in her hair, and non-stick stone kitchenware. She knew her value and her worth. Cue the music: “All the single ladies, all the single ladies…”
This displeased Mr. Flintsone. He’d had his eyes on her since way back in the day. But he always remembered “Bros before Cave Hos” and was a loyal friend to the now much-flatter Droog. He moved on, met Wilma, and fathered an adorable daughter named Pebbles.
Cave Woman finished chiseling her menus of delectable desires she would offer humanity and set out to spread the word and the lovin’. She tied these small stone menus complete with directions to her cave to various small dinosaurs and creatures. She then waited for her Cave Johns to show up.
Business was slow, at least initially. Tiny dinosaurs were fast little bastards. But eventually, they were captured, clubbed, and eaten. The cavemen noticed their food came with a free prize. Sort of like when we’d read the cereal box while eating our Trix, Froot Loops, and Cheerios as kids.
Following the chiseled map which came with last night’s dinner, cavemen set out to find Cave Woman. The first customers showed up empty-handed and were immediately turned away by CW. She was not having it.
“What have you done for me lately?” she grunted.
This motivated her unintelligent clientele. They realized quickly that no fur, no food, and no shiny objects meant no cave-ass. She was a BC’s woman. She wasn’t going to just give it away for free. Not with a dozen hungry mouths to feed. CW was all about business.
Thus, entrepreneurship was born. After seeing finer-than-a-mothafucka CW in person, her customers learned the concept of motivation. They hunted and succeeded. They presented her with the meat they hunted. They were rewarded mightily.
They also learned that Cave Woman grilled a mean rack of dino ribs. With their bellies full, and their Cave-nuts empty, they smiled and fell into a peaceful slumber. They had dreams of being Caveman gigolos themselves.
There was just one problem: Cavewomen weren’t interested in paying cavemen for sex. Why should they? It wasn’t necessary. Cavewomen realized that they could have sex on demand. Cavemen were simple creatures.
This led to the invention of Cave Pimps. Because they knew the travel routes from their hunting and gathering and could cover more area on foot faster than the Cavewomen, they could drive sales of Cave-tang quite easily. Cavewomen saw this as an opportunity to acquire more food, furs, and shiny objects more easily.
Many of the cavewomen prospered. Kim Kavedashian became the wealthiest, most desirable cavewoman of the Paleolithic Era. She saved her newfound wealth and even started the first Cavewoman-owned business of the Stone Age.
Fur-lined undies became a thing, and Kim Kave’s new business “Skins” became huge. She had a net worth of one billion shiny pebbles before retiring a wealthy cavewoman. She was an example to all cavewomen and taught them that they held the real power in their fur-lined panties.
Never underestimate the power of sex. Cavewomen realized they had the upper hand in those ancient times. Before the lame-ass religious nuts made everything out to be evil and sinful, the world was a happier, more prosperous place.
I hope this fictional history lesson about the origin of prostitution both enlightened you and made you smile. Until we return to the days of ancient man and woman, and allow people to live their lives as they see fit and to fuck off if they don’t like it, we will never be as free as the Cave-Hos and their Cave Pimps.
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Thank you, Sis! The feeling is mutual about your writing. Appreciate you sharing this one, I thought it was pretty silly and I loved writing it! &:^)
I can picture you cackling to yourself while you were writing this.