Sorry Trump — Canada Won’t Become your 51st State
But there are a few scenarios in which it could happen…
There’s a longstanding rivalry between Canada and the United States. Most of the rivaling is from our side since America only acknowledges that we exist every few years. But the rivalry is stirred up occasionally in episodes of South Park, where they ‘Blame Canada’.
Or when Trump tweets at us.
Our countries’ polite ribbing of each other generally provides laughter on both sides. We think they’re our annoying older brother; they think that we all have jaws that disconnect like Terrance and Phillip.
The writers of South Park and The Simpsons do excellent jobs in comically portraying us Canuckleheads. We’ve gotten a good laugh at it over the years. And let’s face it — we’re just happy every time they remember we exist. We’re even happier when they acknowledge we’re a real country.
Foolius Ceasar, however, is not great at poking fun at us. His childish, schoolyard-bully taunts are more akin to poking us with a social-media stick.
In a recent Truth Social ‘tweet’ (because I refuse to call them ‘truths’), Sultan Spraytan called the Canadian Prime Minister a ‘Governor’, of a ‘great state’.
Some might chalk this social faux-pas up to Trump not knowing that Canada’s leader is called a prime minister, or onsetting dementia — others might think he ‘truthly’ wants Canada to be the 51st state.
Sorry Puerto Rico.
The Kumquat Kleptocrat has made four recent references to Canada becoming a state. Including one recently, where he told NBC, that the US is subsidizing Canada, and, “If we’re going to subsidize these countries, let them become a state.”
So, would Trump want to make Canada a state?
Probably.
We’re a wealth of natural resources. It would also make America the biggest country on the planet. And we all know how obsessed Trumplestiltskin is with being ‘huge’.
But could it happen?
The answer is, hopefully not, but it’s not impossible.
Option 1 — Canada Decides to Join The US
This one is the most doubtful scenario. While slightly lower taxes would be nice, crippling medical debt isn’t on our Christmas wishlist. We also like our socialistic systems of citizen protection, lower crime rates, longer life expectancy, and better air quality.
But let’s say they put it to a vote and somehow Canadians voted to join the United States of Trumperica. Could the move be made? Well, this would be no small feat, because, as a political analyst for The National Post put it:
“It seems to me that if either Canada as a whole, or some portions of it, would want to join the United States they would have to go through Section 41 of the Constitution Act of 1982. Which means that consent would have to be given for the departure from Canada of a particular jurisdiction by the Senate, and the House, and the legislatures of all 10 provinces.”
Good luck getting all 10 provinces, plus the three territories to agree on anything. Getting them all to agree to join Trumpistan won’t be on my bingo card anytime soon.
Although the ‘state’ of Alberta, which this writer calls ‘Texas North’, has already drawn up the paperwork. They’ve also already kowtowed to Darth Tax Evader’s tariff threats, by announcing the border security ramp-up he wants. They hope to be quickly annexed by the US, whether the rest of the country joins them or not.
As for the rest of the country, we’d rather crawl over hot coals to sell our souls to Beelzebub himself, twice, before becoming American.
Some Americans may think that everyone in the world wants to live in the United States. That may have something to do with them not knowing much about the world outside their McBorders. But I can assure them — we’re good staying up here.
It’s a balmy -10 degrees as I write this, real estate prices have skyrocketed beyond affordability and we have major cracks in our healthcare and other systems … and we’d still rather stay here.
Option 2 — America Buys Canada
Theoretically (albeit not a great theory), America could buy Canada in a Louisiana-Purchase-North scenario. Or Seward’s Folly Round Two — Frozen Boogaloo.
In his first presidency, Trump rambled about buying Greenland. Maybe he thinks he can buy Canada too.
This would explain the tariffs that Hair Farce One wants to impose on Canada (and Mexico) when he takes office. Tariffs that make no sense because they will drive up prices for his constituents. It’s a common corporate takeover move though — to tank the economic value of the asset you’re about to purchase.
I don't think he can sell enough MAGA hats and fake gold sneakers to fund that purchase though. It would need to be financed with federal greenbacks.
But let’s face it — America doesn’t have that cash.
They’re already $36 trillion in debt, and I doubt China would lend them money to buy Canada. Plus, Canada has $1.2 trillion in debt so they might have to pay that first. But what’s a trillion dollars between friends.
Option 3 — Hostile Military Takeover
Could America do a hostile takeover and invade Canada? Yes, quite easily probably. They have one of the biggest militaries on the planet, and we have the largest undefended border in the world.
They might be successful if they invaded us. They currently have a whopping 1.4 million active military personnel, whereas Canada has 68,000. But we have 27,000 reservists! We’ll just ignore that America has 800,000 reservists.
Hopefully, they don’t use their 5,652 tanks in the invasion though. We only have 82, and I’m sure at least 7 of them are in for maintenance. Although tanks are better than nuclear weapons since they have over 5,000 nukes. Canada has … well, none.
While our armed forces are slight — we are mighty. Also, we don’t play by the rules. We’re so devious in battle that — and this is not a joke — the world had to invent the Geneva Conventions to stop our wartime hijinx. You can read more about that in my piece, Don’t Mess With Canada.
The Geneva Conventions are what Canadians refer to as the Geneva requests, Geneva bare minimums, Geneva ‘guidelines’, and Geneva suggestions. We also call it, ‘the list of things Canada is never allowed to do again.’
The battle would be dirty, with maple Molotov's launched over the 49th parallel with sweet voracity. However, the US would win based on having cooler toys alone.
But — America has enough of a PR problem at the moment.
Could you imagine their global street cred plummeting if they hostilely took over one of the nicest countries on the planet? Militarily annexing the world’s peacekeepers isn’t a good look for America.
Cheeto Mussolini may or may not be serious about Canada becoming the 51st state. But it will be over many of our dead bodies. In the meantime, as he continues to poke us with a social stick — we’ll jab right back.
Or perhaps he doesn’t want to take over us Snow Mexicans and is simply attempting humor.
This sauciness from the Vanity Manatee could have something to do with his wife Melania consistently looking at Justin Trudeau like a mouth-watering, fresh-baked maple Cinnabon.
As for us Canadians, we’re getting a good giggle at DickTater Tot’s antics online. It will continue to be an endless source of north-o-the-border laughs … right up until he invades us.
His proposed tariffs, however, are less funny for citizens on both sides of the 49th parallel.
Do you want to support me but those $5+ per month subscriptions add up? Fair.
I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…
$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)
$2 per month (equal love here)
$3 per month (ditto)
$4 per month (you rebel)
$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
Oh my gosh - absolutely freaking love your nicknames…from your Sultan spray tan detesting American fan
I’m going to have to make a list of all the names for the Orange One you have in this post! Just so I never have to utter his horrible name again.
Unfortunately, we have some of your Alberta MAGA snowbirds here in the California desert for the winter. I just love how they scurry here when it gets cold and spend all their time bitching about how liberal and tax-happy CA is. No one asked their stupid asses to be here.