Reader’s Dickgest — Answering Your Burning (And Itchy) Sex Questions
Satirically-sexy answers from a dickologist
Reading sex advice columns is surprisingly dull these days. Where’s the joie de vivre, the sassy pants — and most importantly, the dick jokes? They say if you want something right you’ve got to do it yourself, so I’m here to answer your burning (there’s a pill for that) sex questions.
‘Robin, what gives — since when are you a sex expert?’
Well, this is the internet — also, my mom said I could be anything I want to be. So I decided to be a bona fide Dickologist, with a minor in Vaginomics.
Now that I’m officially a sexpert, I will answer your most-asked sex questions in this edition of Reader’s Dickgest (the column will also be syndicated in Good Dickkeeping).
How do I make my girlfriend orgasm?
Great question. No two tuna tacos are the same. But the most agreed upon methodology is to find a troll under a bridge, answer him ‘these riddles three’, then fulfill his various side quests of increasing difficulty. This will get you in the right mindset for the female orgasm, the equation for which is ‘the square root of what women want, divided by Pi’.
Your newfound sidequest training will prepare you for the real battle, diving into the closet from Narnia until you find a talking lion who tells you where to locate the clitoris (spoilers: it’s behind the beef curtains). From there you either rub it gently or absolutely floor it — again, every panty hamster’s pink oyster is unique.
How much sex is too much sex?
Nobody knows. How much pizza is too much pizza? Pizza is a good analogy for sex and penises — since baloney ponies and pizza can both can be measured in inches. When it comes to how much playing hide the sausage is too much, everyone is unique.
The easiest equation is somewhere between how many times you want to toss the hot dog down the hallway and how much your partner wants a hot beef injection. But the hard line about when to stop is when your south mouths are beginning to chafe.
‘But, uhh — I don’t have a partner’
For those of us doing the two-finger tango or man-handling the ham candle — the sky’s the limit. Just stop if you go cross-eyed, and stop before you get fired for missing too many consecutive days of work. If your hand-to-gland combat begins to interfere with your life duties then it’s time to ease up on itching the ditch.
How much porn is too much porn?
That’s hard to say as I don’t watch porn anymore. I’m not a prude, I just finished it all. Stop before you finish it all.
According to Data Journalist Katharina Buchholz, “Only 4 percent of websites are estimated to be porn, but web and mobile searches clock in higher at 13 and 20 percent respectively”. Well, that’s good news for me. It means I’ve only finished 4% of the internet.
Will my vibrator desensitize me?
I know I’m not the only lady who has wondered if my Drilldo 2000 will desensitize me. After time will we become immune to the jackrabbit hammering of our pink truffle while a dolphin does spinning backflips in our hot pocket?
Thankfully, the answer is no.
It can however make it more difficult for other methods of stimulation to help you orbit Venus. If you set your Buzz Nightgear to stun on a regular basis, you can become accustomed to it, which can make it harder to orgasm using other methods. Like with a partner.
After all, how are men supposed to compare with Bluetooth-powered endlessly rechargeable devices, when they can’t plug themselves into a wall to recharge? Not to mention being unable to compete with your ever-increasing range of toys that went from battery-powered to Bluetooth to diesel-powered and kick-started.
Is it ok to stick things up my butt?
Sure, why not? Just be cool about it, don’t turn it into a hiney house of horrors. Remember the rule of thumb for up the bum — a flared base leaves a removable trace.
If you fail to remember that rule then you’ll have to explain, to the crowd of medical professionals that gathers in the ER, how you sat on that live eel and ‘whoopsy’. Or how you slipped and fell on that Happy Meal toy at precisely the right angle.
Thank you for coming to my dirty TED Talk. This boner bulletin was inspired by my finding out that sexpert Sue Johanson, of the acclaimed Sex with Sue show, died last year. I’m hoping she passed on, with a smile on her face, while playing the pink violin. A fine ending for a phenomenal lady, who taught me the ins and outs of bumping uglies.
A shout out and thank you to
(your writing consistently makes me laugh out loud) for coming up with “Good Dickkeeping”, “peen pages” and “boner bulletin”.If this gets 100+ likes, I’ll write another edition of Reader’s Dickgest—put your questions in the comments and I’ll add some to the next one.
My mother worked for years as an ER nurse. I can guarantee you that no matter what you think ER nurses find in orifices for which those items weren’t designed, the reality is so, so much worse. (He says, his sister nearly aspirating the half-dozen rhinestones she shoved up her nose so she could sneeze glitter.) This is doubly true for any ER in a city that is a major political or economic hub, because those freaks have the free time to contemplate possibilities and the money to make it happen. (Hence, why I no longer make jokes about power drywall saws being fitted with attachments never approved by the manufacturer. I’ve seen things that I still don’t want to believe.)
I loved Sue Johanson-she was the best! I learned more about sex from her than in the previous 15 years. 💕
Just hilarious! I picture you with a Rolodex of sex and body part names. “Ah, yes, Beef Curtains will do nicely.” Recognized “hot beef injection” from The Breakfast Club.