No, You Can’t Move to Canada If Trump is Elected

I’m sorry if you elect Cheeto Mussolini— but we’re full.

We didn’t think through the decision to add copper roofs to our parliament buildings, which turns green over time. (Image by TravelScape on Freepik)

Oh America, you’re about to do it again. More veiled promises about moving to Canada once Old Whack Donald is elected. It’s a trope as old as our countries, ‘If X happens, I swear — I’m moving to Canada!’

The first time you elected the Dicktator Tot, throngs of your celebrities said they were moving to Canada. The list includes Lena Dunham, George Lopez, Samuel ‘Motherfucker’ Jackson, Jon Stewart, and Snoop Dogg. We waited and waited. Sadly, no Dunham. No Dogg.

You get our hopes higher than Snoop.

We all politely queue up at the border in our parkas, keeping ourselves warm with Tim Horton’s coffee while dreaming of our new American friendships.

Commercials ring across our public advertisement campaigns saying “For only the cost of a plasma TV per day — you can save an American. Sponsor your gringo today, and make a difference.” The soft dulcet tones of Canada’s Sarah McLachlan playing in the background. Our angel arms outstretched, to welcome our new American refugees.

We have ‘fugee-filled visions dancing in our heads of you laying down your AR-15s, and crossing the border of the 49th parallel. We immediately take you to our free hospitals, knowing that you likely haven’t had adequate medical care in quite some time.

Once settled, you don your best Canadian tuxedos, raise your right hand, and swear your oath to being all ‘aboot’ Canada. Your left hand, on a bottle of maple syrup, as you repeat our swearing-in phrase:

“Do you swear to protect the mighty and noble beaver, and promise to make ice skating and polar-bear riding your sole forms of transportation — so help you Nickelback?”

Then you live happily ever after in the land of hockey and healthcare, free from the persecutions of the tyrant you left behind.

But back to reality. And, well — you can’t.

I’m ‘sorrey’ to burst your Bubba Gump bubble, but you can’t just move to Canada. We’re not your bailout backup plan — and you can’t just ‘Blame Canada’ and our hockey hullabaloo this time.

You made your gun-toting, heart-attack-laden, human-Cheeto-electing bed. You broke America, you fix it.

You can’t just drive your car up here and plant a flag. A car that might have one of those popular “Fuck off, we’re full” bumper stickers — which in Canada say, “Sorrey, we’re full eh”.

Also, you can’t just claim a new place as your home. We have silly rules about those things, like immigration.

It’s almost like we’re a real country. Even if we do use Monopoly money.

Ryan Reynolds can move back to Canada after Trump — there is plenty of room, in my bed. (Photo by Sasha Prasastika on Pexels)

B̶l̶a̶m̶e̶ Move to Canada, Eh

I may have stretched the syrupy truth, we’re not actually full.

In 2023 alone we took in 471,771 permanent immigrants, with about 140,000 of them being refugees. Recent numbers for how many people applied aren’t available because we were too busy grooming our beavers, but in 2021, 1.8 million people applied.

The number of applications for 2025 may go up if Dolt45 is re-elected, or stages a Scooby Coup and permanently becomes Emperor Trumpigula or Sultan Spraytan. Although they didn’t last time you elected Trump:

“In 2016, Canada received 7,745 applications for permanent residency from Americans, a 13% increase over 2015. As Trump took office in 2017, the number remained stable, with 7,446 applications received in the first 11 months of the year,” reports The Guardian

There is one piece of good news though, Trump isn’t welcome since he’s officially a felon. America, by re-electing the 34-time felon, Super-callous-fragilistic-excon-is-the-POTUS, you’re really living up to the term Europeans have for you — “A third-world country with a Gucci belt”.

Canada can, and often does, deny entry to Americans with a felony. We also don’t allow you to bring drugs, like marijuana, into the country; we want you to proudly buy locally (from our dispensaries that are conveniently located on every corner).

It’s not as easy as Americans think to move to Canada. Welcome to the Bureaucratic Republic of Canada. We have long queues for most things, but unlike our British forefathers, we’re not as happy about it. We do however have extremely functional public portals, which in my opinion are leaps and bounds better than many of their US counterparts.

We do try to make it as streamlined and polite as possible though.

How Long Until You’re A Canucklehead?

We know, with The Big Lie-bowski presidency looming over your heads like a dark Republican cloud— you’re in a hurry to defect to the syrupy dark side. The bad news is that it takes 3–5 years to become a Canadian citizen, which will also be about as long as the Trump presidency lasts. Unless he turns it into a dictatortotship.

The good news is we’ve put in a fast pass.

With only 39 million Canadians, we need the bodies. As the second largest country in the world, that’s only 3.89 people per square kilometer by the way. I don’t know what that is in Freedom units. Something like 12 bald eagles per square Chick-fil-A.

With the Express Entry program, you can become a resident in as little as 180 days, for $1,500 Canadian dollars (which is probably about $17 USD). That’s if you fall into one of our preferential-as-all-hell categories for our Federal Skilled Worker Program, Canadian Experience Class Program, or Federal Skilled Trades Program.

We like proficient-in-polite people, with shiny skills.

Canada is looking for a Liam Neeson-esque special set of skills, like technology nerds, beaver hunters, accountants, poutine food truck owners, healthcare professionals, polar bear cops, pilots, heavy-duty mechanics, snow plow and Zamboni drivers, and other trades.

You’re Welcome Eh?

Let the post-Trump Canadian immigration Hunger Games begin. Those of you with enough Canucklehead-ish skills will be welcome to join us, after an elaborate audition process that we broadcast on Canada’s national public broadcaster, the CBC. You may have to bare-knuckle box a polar bear or seduce a moose. Then you’ll be tested with a Sourtoe shot and kissing the cod.

That is if you actually follow through on your promise-like threat of moving to Canada this time should the Mansplainian Candidate get a second term.

Your celebrities will of course be welcome since you’ve given refuge to almost all of ours over the years. We look forward to Snoop finally arriving, and hosting a new show about beaver hunting. And George Lopez’s new standup skit about Snow Mexicans.

Sorrey, but you can’t all come.

Our maple syrup reserves are at a 16-year low. We only have 3.1 million kgs left and we can’t share it with every asylum-asking American.

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