It can cut both ways! When I met my wife she said she was an educator and artist. Naturally, to me, I asked to see her art. Kinda reverse to a man inviting a woman to his place to see his “etchings”, but it was important to me. I’ve met really nice ladies before, but collections of dolls or elephants are a deal killer, let alone shamrocks.
Needless to say her art blew me away, she’s a fiber artist, a unique art form.
With that out of the way I invited her to my house. I have a bit of OCD so it wasn’t much preparation. Also I had a maid come by every 2 weeks.
Things almost ended before they began, we met at a coffee shop, I pulled out into traffic and she immediately followed me, without looking for oncoming traffic and almost got creamed by an oncoming car.
We successfully made it to my house and her first comment was that I lived like a communist, I do like the minimalist look. Her comment later changed to I lived like a college student. Fearing her loss I enticed her with a promise of use of the bonus room upstairs for a studio space were she to spend time with me. She took the hook, line and sinker and has progressed to 2 bedrooms and the dining room for studios.
Your wife sounds incredible Jerry. Although that communist line had me cackling. Perhaps to the artist mind it did look a little barren. I like minimalist looks myself, but to each their own. I'm glad you guys figured out the happy medium though! And congrats on 14 years :)
I agree that having a place that’s a massive shrine to “The Wizard of Oz” is weird. Everyone KNOWS, as my house demonstrates, that the only movie worthy of that level of obsession is “Alien.” Most other goths I know have at least one coffin-shaped piece of furniture (usually a bookcase) at all times: I want a hypersleep chamber, preferably operational.
It could be a lot worse: I very shortly dated someone who made her apartment a shrine to "Showgirls." (My fear when that movie came out was that Elizabeth Berkeley and Jerry Seinfeld would marry and produce children that could gnaw through a mature redwood.)
When I mentioned to one of his room mates that he had dropped some ketchup on the floor, he smooshed it around with his foot, which was in a very dirty, grey sock
The bathtub hadn’t been cleaned in 4 months. 7 guys lived there.
His sheets were crunchy. His towels were worse.
There was a piece of tomato stuck to the wall where someone had thrown it in the general direction of the garbage.
And yet, I married him, and entered into 23+ years of cleaning up after him.
At weddings my mother liked to deliver a singing toast with advice to the newlyweds. One of her favorite lines was "There is one thing with which I cannot cope, it's pubic hair upon the soap." Great advice! Errant pubic hair is a deal killer.
My mother, long since passed, was a very clever and witty person with many memorable "bon mots." One was an "MFO" which on a good day referred to a Mandatory Family Obligation, but on a bad day it could turn into a Mother Fucking Ordeal. The link below is a post describing her efforts to steady an MFO into "My Favorite Occasion." (BTW it was my first post on Substack just over a year ago!)
When I think back to my husband’s abode before we took up residence together, I’d describe it as clean minimalist. He was tidy for sure, but not obsessively so. No extra pillows extra one a piece and we still fight about all the ones I want EVERYWHERE. No collections. Maybe he cleaned up before I ever showed up but he’s still pretty minimalist to this day. He has to tolerate a lot from this “creative type” he’s married to!
But no Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I swear that company is trying to give women lung cancer, or at minimum, asthma.
Exactly. Every soapy product in the house is unscented, because I can't tolerate them. Err on the side of caution, menfolk, unless/until your lady friend mentions a scent she likes, and then get it in something mild. Definitely use unscented air freshener. It costs more, but having a woman not wrinkle her nose, sneeze, or wheeze is worth it.
I can't tell you how many times over the decades that I've had to hold my breath going past a Bath and Body Works.
I will also admit to having two drawers full of giant wads of wearables. Only grandmothers fold undies anymore. Wait..I am a grandma....but not THAT grandma.
Now that you've introduced Mike to us a couple of times I picture him reading all your posts containing the work Mike and wondering WTH he just got himself into.
wads of wearables are the go-to move for writers maybe? We seem to be a chaotic bunch, or at least some of us. Maybe just the wild ones.
Mike does read these, and thankfully he laughs. Albeit if he didn't like my writing, that might be a dealbreaker, cuz this sense of humour ain't changing.
Fostering men huh? Interesting. I could get into that. But I already have a foster fail at home...so there's that 😆. Off to read piece now.
Ladiefying is hoifying to most dudes, isn't it? But you nailed it. I think also food in the fridge that has no mold, and something to drink, besides beer, would be good.
It isn't feminine to be clean and tidy and organized. I know enough women to attest to that haha. But I'd say, speaking in generalities, males and females can have different aesthetics for their places.
When I met my husband, his place was a big time. I don’t think he cleaned his toilet in a year. Had to dump an entire bottle of bleach in it just so I could use it. And yet, I married him. He’s gotten much better.😁💕
Awesome article, Robin, you are hilarious. Congrats on the 2000 subscribers as you totally deserve it. Wishing you a very happy new year and all the best in 2025.
I once dated a woman who was suspicious I was a player just looking to use her to fill out my roster until she saw how unladyfied my pad was. Apparently the abundant evidence there was no other woman in my life made me all the more endearing. Much later, it somehow didn’t make the breakup any easier knowing I wasn’t leaving her for another woman though.
😆😆 You make a good point about the obvious bachelor pad showing singlehood. Breakups are rarely easy I guess, not sure your apartment would have changed that one way or another.
“Ideally, have a bottle of poo-pourri in your bathroom.” I need to disagree on this one. Poo-pourri does nothing to disperse the smell of dude (or lady, for that matter) poop. Giant, economy size spray bottle of Lysol. Preferably sitting on the tank of a clean toilet.
I love how contentious this comment ended up being 😆😆. I'd agree that poo-purri doesn't fully cure the problem, but it helps a little and is better than nothing. Cleaning certainly works better, but I'm not anal enough to clean it every day either.
Lysol will drive me out of a place faster than poop smell. A guy ex-biker friend of mine has a colostomy bag, and poo-pourri works when emptying that. Which has a smell that makes regular dude poop seem like a spring meadow, says he.
If the lady in question has any allergies or sensitivities, everything better be unscented or hypoallergenic. And there's scents that people don't like even if they're tasteful -- I had a pal who hated lavender.
I get it. With the people in my house, including myself, potpourri just doesn’t cut it. Unscented Lysol works best for us. Or lighting a match. But matches and a nine-year-old grandchild don’t mix well.
Good that it works for you. My experience with potpourri says differently. But, hey, apparently you know better than my lived experience, total stranger.
Oh for fucks’ sake, calm down. You’re the one who responded with a snarky “you’re totally wrong”. Now all pissy because you got a response back and super projecting. Blow out of proportion much?
It can cut both ways! When I met my wife she said she was an educator and artist. Naturally, to me, I asked to see her art. Kinda reverse to a man inviting a woman to his place to see his “etchings”, but it was important to me. I’ve met really nice ladies before, but collections of dolls or elephants are a deal killer, let alone shamrocks.
Needless to say her art blew me away, she’s a fiber artist, a unique art form.
With that out of the way I invited her to my house. I have a bit of OCD so it wasn’t much preparation. Also I had a maid come by every 2 weeks.
Things almost ended before they began, we met at a coffee shop, I pulled out into traffic and she immediately followed me, without looking for oncoming traffic and almost got creamed by an oncoming car.
We successfully made it to my house and her first comment was that I lived like a communist, I do like the minimalist look. Her comment later changed to I lived like a college student. Fearing her loss I enticed her with a promise of use of the bonus room upstairs for a studio space were she to spend time with me. She took the hook, line and sinker and has progressed to 2 bedrooms and the dining room for studios.
We’ve been together 14 years now
Your wife sounds incredible Jerry. Although that communist line had me cackling. Perhaps to the artist mind it did look a little barren. I like minimalist looks myself, but to each their own. I'm glad you guys figured out the happy medium though! And congrats on 14 years :)
I agree that having a place that’s a massive shrine to “The Wizard of Oz” is weird. Everyone KNOWS, as my house demonstrates, that the only movie worthy of that level of obsession is “Alien.” Most other goths I know have at least one coffin-shaped piece of furniture (usually a bookcase) at all times: I want a hypersleep chamber, preferably operational.
😆😆 Alien? Remind me never to go to your house, that movie creeped me out for years haha.
Although the coffin-shaped furniture does sound pretty awesome. And a coffin sleep chamber sounds cozy as fuck.
It could be a lot worse: I very shortly dated someone who made her apartment a shrine to "Showgirls." (My fear when that movie came out was that Elizabeth Berkeley and Jerry Seinfeld would marry and produce children that could gnaw through a mature redwood.)
I should have known!
We were students when we met.
When I mentioned to one of his room mates that he had dropped some ketchup on the floor, he smooshed it around with his foot, which was in a very dirty, grey sock
The bathtub hadn’t been cleaned in 4 months. 7 guys lived there.
His sheets were crunchy. His towels were worse.
There was a piece of tomato stuck to the wall where someone had thrown it in the general direction of the garbage.
And yet, I married him, and entered into 23+ years of cleaning up after him.
I live alone now. Happily.
Eek! Yeah you probably should've run at the floor ketchup being cleaned up by his dirty sock.
Congrats on being able to keep your place as clean as you like it though! There's a happy-ish ending at least :)
At weddings my mother liked to deliver a singing toast with advice to the newlyweds. One of her favorite lines was "There is one thing with which I cannot cope, it's pubic hair upon the soap." Great advice! Errant pubic hair is a deal killer.
😆😆😆 Your mother sounds incredible--what a line!! And agreed, errant pubic hair would be a deal breaker.
My mother, long since passed, was a very clever and witty person with many memorable "bon mots." One was an "MFO" which on a good day referred to a Mandatory Family Obligation, but on a bad day it could turn into a Mother Fucking Ordeal. The link below is a post describing her efforts to steady an MFO into "My Favorite Occasion." (BTW it was my first post on Substack just over a year ago!)
https://lizabluehumorist.substack.com/p/mandatory-family-obligations-holiday
When I think back to my husband’s abode before we took up residence together, I’d describe it as clean minimalist. He was tidy for sure, but not obsessively so. No extra pillows extra one a piece and we still fight about all the ones I want EVERYWHERE. No collections. Maybe he cleaned up before I ever showed up but he’s still pretty minimalist to this day. He has to tolerate a lot from this “creative type” he’s married to!
But no Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I swear that company is trying to give women lung cancer, or at minimum, asthma.
The minimalist vs writer's mind must require quite the delicate balance. But I'm glad you made it work!
The fragrances may be a little choking at times yeah.
Exactly. Every soapy product in the house is unscented, because I can't tolerate them. Err on the side of caution, menfolk, unless/until your lady friend mentions a scent she likes, and then get it in something mild. Definitely use unscented air freshener. It costs more, but having a woman not wrinkle her nose, sneeze, or wheeze is worth it.
I can't tell you how many times over the decades that I've had to hold my breath going past a Bath and Body Works.
And see if he keeps the toilet seat down for you..... yeah?
That's never bothered me. I'm fine putting it down, they have to lift it up. My dealbreaker is more the toilet paper mullet hang 😆
I'm with you there as well! I am compelled to change the direction whenever I encounter such nonsense. Ah, the simple things.
Um, I wasn't stereotyping, I was writing about her newbie and only her newbie.
LMFAO @ ammunition scented candles.
I will also admit to having two drawers full of giant wads of wearables. Only grandmothers fold undies anymore. Wait..I am a grandma....but not THAT grandma.
Now that you've introduced Mike to us a couple of times I picture him reading all your posts containing the work Mike and wondering WTH he just got himself into.
PS: What you've written here reinforced the fact that I could only ever foster men until they find forever homes. If you missed that story, here it is: https://wildhoodwanted.substack.com/p/fostering-men-until-finding-forever-homes
Me again, this time from the future. Read the piece. Amazing 😆
I didn't 'miss it', I wasn't on Substack when you wrote it. And somehow we never found each other on Medium...which still amazes me.
wads of wearables are the go-to move for writers maybe? We seem to be a chaotic bunch, or at least some of us. Maybe just the wild ones.
Mike does read these, and thankfully he laughs. Albeit if he didn't like my writing, that might be a dealbreaker, cuz this sense of humour ain't changing.
Fostering men huh? Interesting. I could get into that. But I already have a foster fail at home...so there's that 😆. Off to read piece now.
Ladiefying is hoifying to most dudes, isn't it? But you nailed it. I think also food in the fridge that has no mold, and something to drink, besides beer, would be good.
Thanks Linda. Something to eat in the fridge is definitely vital. Especially for me, in case I forget to eat and risk turning into a gremlin.
Um, forget to eat? I have never experienced that.
NOTHING can make me forget to eat.
😆😆 That's probably normal. I forget to eat all the time, then I make up for it by eating 2.5lbs of food in one sitting...like a savage.
That makes sense.
That hockey smell is a special kind of reek 🤢
Also, why are these things not just normal human things??! They're not inherently feminine, are they? 😩
um, yes.
It truly is a special brand of putrid!
It isn't feminine to be clean and tidy and organized. I know enough women to attest to that haha. But I'd say, speaking in generalities, males and females can have different aesthetics for their places.
When I met my husband, his place was a big time. I don’t think he cleaned his toilet in a year. Had to dump an entire bottle of bleach in it just so I could use it. And yet, I married him. He’s gotten much better.😁💕
Awesome article, Robin, you are hilarious. Congrats on the 2000 subscribers as you totally deserve it. Wishing you a very happy new year and all the best in 2025.
I'm glad he's gotten better Sheila 😆.
And thanks. Happy new year and all the best to you too!
We pay for a cleaning service! Worth every penny.💕
I think dudes abodes should smell like fresh lumber, with a hint of leather. Standing in a lumber store, best smell ever!
Ooh I agree, that would be fantastic. Somebody make that a room spray!
You KNOW you’re going to walk into a scented pillow fort, right?
And yeah, the TP roll is a definite deal breaker. But if there’s decent soap and towel, I’d give him a pass on it.
If I walked into a scented pillow fort I'd never leave 😆
Decent soap and towel I'd be happy :)
Poo-pourri is an step too far, by God!
😆😆
Believe it or not, scents like that give some of us headaches. In my own case, they actually are one of the triggers for my migraines...
I once dated a woman who was suspicious I was a player just looking to use her to fill out my roster until she saw how unladyfied my pad was. Apparently the abundant evidence there was no other woman in my life made me all the more endearing. Much later, it somehow didn’t make the breakup any easier knowing I wasn’t leaving her for another woman though.
😆😆 You make a good point about the obvious bachelor pad showing singlehood. Breakups are rarely easy I guess, not sure your apartment would have changed that one way or another.
True, I guess “I haven’t been cheating on you, I’m rejecting you because of you and nobody else” doesn’t really lessen the sting.
Damn, this is even funnier than your normal supremely high standards, Sis! Comedy gold up in this bitch! Loved it. &:^)
Thanks Jason!! I'm glad you liked it...not that you don't like all my shiznit hehe
“Ideally, have a bottle of poo-pourri in your bathroom.” I need to disagree on this one. Poo-pourri does nothing to disperse the smell of dude (or lady, for that matter) poop. Giant, economy size spray bottle of Lysol. Preferably sitting on the tank of a clean toilet.
I love how contentious this comment ended up being 😆😆. I'd agree that poo-purri doesn't fully cure the problem, but it helps a little and is better than nothing. Cleaning certainly works better, but I'm not anal enough to clean it every day either.
Right? Who knew someone would get so offended over offering a different opinion?! What?! On the Internets? Say it isn’t so! 🙈
Lysol will drive me out of a place faster than poop smell. A guy ex-biker friend of mine has a colostomy bag, and poo-pourri works when emptying that. Which has a smell that makes regular dude poop seem like a spring meadow, says he.
If the lady in question has any allergies or sensitivities, everything better be unscented or hypoallergenic. And there's scents that people don't like even if they're tasteful -- I had a pal who hated lavender.
I get it. With the people in my house, including myself, potpourri just doesn’t cut it. Unscented Lysol works best for us. Or lighting a match. But matches and a nine-year-old grandchild don’t mix well.
Good that it works for you. My experience with potpourri says differently. But, hey, apparently you know better than my lived experience, total stranger.
Oh for fucks’ sake, calm down. You’re the one who responded with a snarky “you’re totally wrong”. Now all pissy because you got a response back and super projecting. Blow out of proportion much?