I’m Peacefully Ugly at Home and Freelance my 'Hotness'

Maybe you do too?

Sexy, I know. I took this pic the other day to make my friend Rikki laugh (it worked).

When I’m at home, I’m a hot mess. And I don’t mean that ‘cute’ mess that they portray in movies with an off-the-shoulder sweater that magically stays in place and a ‘messy bun’ that took a stylist 3 hours. I’m a mess mess. A real-life mess.

I’m in yoga pants that I probably haven’t washed after 4–5 uses. Ok, at least 7+ uses, but I also don’t do yoga in them. My hair isn’t the cute TV ‘messy bun’ —it’s an actually messy bun; it looks like some semblance of a bird’s nest. Like a nest, I could probably find an errant bobby pin and a random button in there.

And my bra isn’t on. It’s on the floor. And if I’m lying down, I’m not magical like the off-the-shoulder TV sweaters — one of my chest apples is rolling out of the bag

So, I identify as a hot.

…a hot mess.

Some days, I look like a model. A Sears catalogue model, circa 1992, but still. Other days, I look like I just got released on bail after a weekend-long meth bender. I’d say the split is 90% of the time I’m ‘hobo chic’ and 10% of the time I’m an Idaho 8.2.

I’m a part-time hot person. The other part-time is spent as a hot mess human.

(For the sake of the piece, I’m referring to ‘hot’ as in bathed, brushed, dressed, and overall put-together and looking my best, or close to it. I don’t think I’m actually Gal Gadot hot. But then again, none of us are.)

I can look ‘hot’ when I want to look more human, but most of the time I’ll happily toil away in Oscar-the-Grouch-like trash-can obscurity. I pick and choose when to freelance my hotness. Uncoincidentally, it’s usually self-serving. But that’s not my fault or yours; that’s because the world treats more put-together people better.

Some days, I just don’t want to be the main character in my life. So I put myself in look-like-a-bum NPC mode (Non-Player Character).

My NPC fashion mode means clothes that function but nobody would ever call an ‘outfit’, hair pulled back in a quick ponytail so that my hair doesn’t look like I just escaped from a mental hospital, and whatever comfy shoes were next to the door. I don’t stand out in either direction.

I just blend, NPC style.

That’s at least 90% of my existence. Somehow though, that’s 100% of when I meet attractive men. If you’re thinking those numbers don’t seem plausible…sigh, they aren’t, and yet it’s still accurate.

The difference of brushing your hair and teeth (OK, and a little BB cream and lip gloss) is startling

If I can be ‘hot’ sometimes, you might be asking why not give up the feral freelancing and be hot full-time? My answer is multi-fold:

1. That takes a lot of effort, and I’m tired,

2. It takes a surprising amount of money,

3. And possibly most importantly, I don’t want to.

I prefer to be a shape-shifting independent contractor of hotness. Not just because it confuses people, although it does. I like both the attention of hot mode, and the anonymity of uggo mode; although, let’s face it, I skew more towards the latter. So, I prefer Easter Bunny-type hotness, it rarely shows up, the preparation takes forever, it costs too much, and it’s gone before you know it.

Both my low budget and energy level means that I can only allocate my hotness based on the project at hand. Project-based is how I describe and manage my attractive level. Wielding your hotness like the over-priced and over-branded company Supreme, when it drops its limited edition harmonica, it’s an effective use of time and resources.

Marilyn Monroe did this.

I know, I know, she’s stunning — but hear me out. She is said to have really turned on the va-va-va-voom when necessary, like when singing Happy Birthday to a sitting president. She used wardrobe, hair, and makeup to zshush-up her star quality — but she wasn’t a full-time president-seducer and starlet. Sometimes she was Marilyn Monroe, sometimes she was just Norma Jeane Mortenson.

Celebs do this regularly. When their team of hotness professionals is on hand to transform them from normie to A-list, they’re hot. But the rest of the time, they look like us mere mortals.

It’s the reason ‘celebrities with no makeup’ photos used to go so viral. It’s our perverse sense of curiosity to see them in their natural habitat, when they are normie-uggo like the rest of us. We want to justify our own freelanced hotness and day-to-day slothy appearance.

Here’s me when I’m trying to turn on the Monroe sparkle.

At the end of the day, I think we’re all freelancing our hotness. We can shine up like a brand-new doorknob when we want to, then at the end of the day, we take off the hotness and look like the well-used knob we truly are.

So the next time you look like a worn-in slob, know that you’re just resting and charging your va va-va-voom that day.

Keep people guessing by turning up your chic to full throttle sometimes, then shock the fucksicles out of them by showing up like an ogre the next time. That way, when you turn your shine on — it’s that much more impressive.

Contribute to my Hot-mess-to-Hotness Fund?

Do you want to support my writing because I make you spit coffee out of your nose regularly—but those $5+ per month subscriptions add up? Fair. I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…

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Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.

I also have a Ko-fi for one-off tips (although doing it through Substack tickles the algorithm’s balls for me)