If WW3 Breaks Out — These Are the Safest Countries

From Bhutanese Bunkers to Pacific Pacifistland

Jun 29, 2025

*Quick update, I’ll be doing a live video with fellow humorists

Peter William Murphy

and
Philip Ogley
on Monday, June 30th at 9:40 am. Those two whackadoodles have been doing hilarious live satires every Monday. I have no idea what to expect; it may be weird, but hopefully hilarious

There are those who think that WW3 could break out at any time now. Like WWII, but this time Nuclear Bugaloo. It may have something to do with having egomaniacal leaders and billionaires running a quagmire on Earth while building space arks to get the hell out of terrestrial dodge.

And what a clusterfucky pickledilly Earth is at the moment. Look no further than the current political landscape….shit’s popping off in Palestine, terror on the airlines, Ayatollah’s in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan.

Oh, wait, that last part was a Billy Joel song from 1989.

The Russians are in Ukraine now, and that’s totally different. Probably.

Meh, close enough.

As the song goes, “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning, since the world’s been turning. We didn’t start the fire. No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it”. Although, to be honest, I’m not sure we collectively did try to fight it. And some of us are pyros (you know who you are).

Anyhoozy, let’s time travel back from Billy Joel’s late 80s to current day, with America bombing Iran, Russians in Ukraine, America wanting to hostily takeover Greenland and Canada, and China eyefucking the shit out of Taiwan.

Should shit break loose, and you haven’t secured your seat on Bezos’ giant sky penis-turned ark — where does one go that will be the safest?

If you’re expecting my Canadian arse to wax patriotic about my peaceful homeland — BZZZZZTT, wrong.

The safest spot isn’t Canada. Largely due to our close proximity to one of the world’s biggest shit-disturbers. One that is currently being led by a narcissistic plunderer who could get dementia any day now. To top it off, Commander Clusterfuck has his baby hands the nuclear football.

Thankfully, he is too busy to carry through on his hard-on for Canucklandia. But we’re still in the splash zone. Heading up to Nunavut or something might work, but it’s cold as hell (if there is a hell, mine is definitely cold) up there for most of the year.

Here are your sexiest geographic options to ride out WW3:

Antarctica

Speaking of freezing, Antarctica is a super chill spot to ride out the apocalypse. Food will be challenging, and you may have to fight a penguin for a fish, but other than that, it’s a pretty chill spot. It doesn’t have an army, or a population for that matter — so the great news is that nobody is interested in colonizing or bombing it.

Switzerland

As you’ll notice will become a trend on this list, Switzerland is surrounded by a rugged mountainscape that makes it difficult to invade. They’re stunningly neutral and have the banks with all the money. The drawback to an Alps-based vacation from WW3 is that countries around it might be blowing each other up.

Ok, the Sound of Music was in Austria, but you can still have your apocalyptic Julie Andrews moment. (Gif by Robert E Blackmon on Giphy)

They have an elaborate and impressive system of bunkers designed to protect all 9 million citizens. But your ass wouldn’t be one of them. And you won’t get in, the bastards are armed to the teeth militarily, and Swiss citizens are some of the gunniest on the planet. They do have tons of Cold War bunkers that they Marie Kondo’s into wine cellars — which to me sounds like a decent place to ride out the cataclysm.

Iceland

This is an island country with no army and no enemies. It’s location smack dab in the middle of buttfuck nowhere is idyllic to wait out atomic bomb blasts. Plus, it’s the third-happiest place to live on the planet.

Ireland

Ireland largely stays the fuck out of global politics and its island location makes it a prime spot. It’s slightly warmer than Iceland, and will have plenty of beer and whiskey to help you drunkenly stumble through WW3.

New Zealand

Pretty much ditto to Iceland. Except with a more hospitable climate for those of us who are nice-weather inclined. Its climate is extremely livable, it has vast land, and it can produce enough food to feed all of its citizens. We’re not one of those citizens, but let’s face it, that never stopped humans before.

Australia

Ditto for Australia, albeit it's more high-profile. The island state of Tasmania, at the southern tip, could be a nice option. Especially for any treehuggers, as it has the cleanest air and some of the oldest trees on the planet. But they’re massive, so you can’t literally hug them, unless you form some sort of hand-to-hand hippy ring.

Watch out for your new neighbours — deer that have been to prison. (Gif by the BBC on Giphy)

Pacifists only though; gun-toting Muricans need not apply. After the massacre at Port Arthur, they enacted some of the strictest gun laws on the planet. The government told the people, ‘Look what you did, dumbasses. No more guns!’ And the citizens said, ‘Yeah, that’s fair dinkum’.

Bhutan

Where? Exactly. This rugged country, buried in the Himalayas, isn’t on anyone’s radar, except maybe the Chinese. But they’re busy. This mountainous country is difficult to invade, and many have tried as it’s stunningly beautiful. They grow all their own food, which is always an apocalyptic plus.

And if you’re not quite billionaire-space-boy rich but have some skrill to burn, you could build one helluva mountain-burrowed bunker.

Patagonia, Argentina.

It’s at the southern tip of the planet, so it will be far from any nuclear radiation should atomic shiznit pop off. It’s a solid spot because you can spend the apocalypse eating scrumdiddlyumptious Argentine food (like choripán, empanadas, and world-class steak) while sipping their wine.

You can ignore armageddon while surfing, climbing, kayaking, and watching glaciers float by. War criminals from the last world war thought it was a nice enough destination to settle in after all. Although these days, the Argentines may be a little suspicious of new neighbors moving in during wartime.

Or really, just pick any remote island far away from America, Russia, China, Europe, and the Middle East. Hmm…it’s almost as if superpowers are natural danger zones and a bad idea.

Personally, I don’t think WW3 is about to bust on the scene like the nuclear Kool-Aid Man. Trump is too busy with his own problems, Putin can’t even beat Ukraine, and China is just chilling since they have near-endless control and intel. So they’re just sitting back, eating popcorn, watching the other superpowers lose their minds.

Also, I think the aliens will stop us from blowing ourselves up. It’s why they’ve been doing intergalactic drive-bys of our nuclear sites for decades.

But just in case the aliens are sick of our shit and don’t stop us, I wish you the bon-est of voyages in getting the hell out of Dodge to the remote-as-fuck options above. And if you have an extra ticket on the intergalactic dick ark, just think of all the space giggles you’d get if you brought me.