Nearly two decades back, my then-wife’s family planned a big extended holiday in Alberta, and it started by trudging up a mountain face in Nordic Provincial Park in Canmore. Halfway up, my ex spotted the top half of a former gate attached to the side of a pine tree and asked “Why is there a spigot there?” I quickly explained “That’s for gathering pine syrup. Maple syrup is the crap we foist off on Americans who don’t know better, but real Canadians always have pine syrup with their waffles.” Apparently my sister-in-law, who could be convinced on a regular basis that her picture was in the dictionary next to the word “credulous” (absolutely true story: she wallpapered a bathroom in her house with torn-out dictionary pages to prove everyone wrong), was listening too well, and she’d ask for pine syrup at breakfast when I was out of earshot. On our last day, she had a meltdown in a restaurant in Banff because she had been asking for pine syrup all week, and the fact that the waitstaff “pretended” not to know what that was proved that they hated Americans.
😆😆😆 This story is amazing. I've gotta try that pine syrup thing on people. It reminds me of when I visited Australia and they had me convinced about drop bears.
The difference is that Australia used to have drop bears: go look up “Thylacoleo” one of these days. (My former SiL got even angrier when I explained that pine syrup was available in the States, under the brand name “Turpentine.”)
You know the jokes about Alberta being Canada’s Texas? I live in Dallas, so I can verify. Get out around Edmonton or Drumheller, and the only way you can tell the difference between that area and North Texas is that the highway signs are in French. Very seriously, the only difference between Calgary during Stampede and Fort Worth during the Stockyard Show is that one has Mounties on display instead of cactus.
I was born in Calgary and still live here and I'll be the first to say that I HATE the stampede 🤣🤣 I remember trying to explain it to newcomers from Africa. I said, "It's when they plop hay bales and horse shit all over the city and you can get free pancakes on any downtown street."
I died when you denounced Bieber 🤣🤣🤣 I am Canadian and I support this message!
I'm all for making America our 11th province. One big ass province that we can migrate to at will. 😁
I have our flag tattooed on my arm, no questions even need to be asked when I traveled. Mind you, I also have the Jamaican flag tattooed beside it so.....they'll never truly figure me out.
I do one weirder: I have an Anomalocaris tattooed on my right shoulder, mostly so I can break into a lecture on the Burgess Shale when anybody asks “What the hell is THAT?”
And the easiest way to spot Canadian spies? Just say “So remember: if the Sontarans don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” Anybody who corrects you is an American.
this was fun, thanks. I'm the best of both. I can flip back & forth between Canadian & American without even thinking abt it (20 years in the states, 50 in Canada). Where do I sign up to be a spy? 🇨🇦🇺🇲
Thanks. I think we have become programmed by your "spies" to call them "Canada Geese" and not "Canadian Geese." Calling them "cobra chickens" certainly takes the nationality bias out of it. (We apparently choose to add nationality bias to everything we hate, or don't understand.)
Once again, thanks for enlightening us in a light-hearted way.
I’m from the Fingerlakes region of NYS. I 💕💕💕💕the house hippo psas. I want house hippos. I will emigrate to Canada if you promise I can have some. I like hockey, am familiar with Tim Horton’s (but prefer Dunkin’s), poutine (you had me at hot melty cheese), and maple syrup is a basic staple to be kept in stock at all times.
Proud British Columbian here. Felt a little left out with all the maple syrup stuff - that’s strictly a “back east” phenomenon. I must’ve missed the Tim Horton’s reference but enjoyed your essay nonetheless. What about moose tracks and beaver butt ice cream, those have got to be a Canuck invention?
When I travel in the states, I am spotted right quick, what with my ehs and sorrys. Would make a crap spy, no doubt. Anyhoo, great job Robin, ya hoser!
Nearly two decades back, my then-wife’s family planned a big extended holiday in Alberta, and it started by trudging up a mountain face in Nordic Provincial Park in Canmore. Halfway up, my ex spotted the top half of a former gate attached to the side of a pine tree and asked “Why is there a spigot there?” I quickly explained “That’s for gathering pine syrup. Maple syrup is the crap we foist off on Americans who don’t know better, but real Canadians always have pine syrup with their waffles.” Apparently my sister-in-law, who could be convinced on a regular basis that her picture was in the dictionary next to the word “credulous” (absolutely true story: she wallpapered a bathroom in her house with torn-out dictionary pages to prove everyone wrong), was listening too well, and she’d ask for pine syrup at breakfast when I was out of earshot. On our last day, she had a meltdown in a restaurant in Banff because she had been asking for pine syrup all week, and the fact that the waitstaff “pretended” not to know what that was proved that they hated Americans.
😆😆😆 This story is amazing. I've gotta try that pine syrup thing on people. It reminds me of when I visited Australia and they had me convinced about drop bears.
The difference is that Australia used to have drop bears: go look up “Thylacoleo” one of these days. (My former SiL got even angrier when I explained that pine syrup was available in the States, under the brand name “Turpentine.”)
🤣🤣 As a native Albertan, I totally appreciated reading this comment lol. I live about an hour from Banff.
You know the jokes about Alberta being Canada’s Texas? I live in Dallas, so I can verify. Get out around Edmonton or Drumheller, and the only way you can tell the difference between that area and North Texas is that the highway signs are in French. Very seriously, the only difference between Calgary during Stampede and Fort Worth during the Stockyard Show is that one has Mounties on display instead of cactus.
I was born in Calgary and still live here and I'll be the first to say that I HATE the stampede 🤣🤣 I remember trying to explain it to newcomers from Africa. I said, "It's when they plop hay bales and horse shit all over the city and you can get free pancakes on any downtown street."
Weirdest theme for a world fair ever!!
Oh, wait until you visit Dallas in late November. Our city motto should be “Aside from THAT, Mrs. Kennedy, what do you think of Dallas?”
I died when you denounced Bieber 🤣🤣🤣 I am Canadian and I support this message!
I'm all for making America our 11th province. One big ass province that we can migrate to at will. 😁
I have our flag tattooed on my arm, no questions even need to be asked when I traveled. Mind you, I also have the Jamaican flag tattooed beside it so.....they'll never truly figure me out.
Kristi, you'd make an absolutely shite spy. 😆😆
LMAOOOO and proud of it!!!
I do one weirder: I have an Anomalocaris tattooed on my right shoulder, mostly so I can break into a lecture on the Burgess Shale when anybody asks “What the hell is THAT?”
Soooo...what IS it? 🤣
Behold the power of the Internets: https://www.shapeoflife.org/news/featured-creature/2018/02/26/anomalocaris
I was too lazy to Google 🤣 I was even too lazy to tell you I'm too lazy to Google. That's quite the critter!
I LIKE you!!!
You say that, and then you’ll read my Substack…
And I’ll like you even more!!! Mammoths 🦣 are my thing, but house hippos could win me over
“ What on earth is a sophomore? You weirdos.”
I’ve always wondered. It’s a word that makes no sense. Is it some kind of furniture?
🤣🤣 Furniture lol! It's the biggest sofa available.
Right, of course
And the easiest way to spot Canadian spies? Just say “So remember: if the Sontarans don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” Anybody who corrects you is an American.
I've been saying this kind of shit for years. Finally I have discovered a collaborator. I published this in 2017. https://kieranhumor.com/2017/08/10/fucking-canadians/
😆😆😆 That is absolutely incredible. I laughed out loud the whole time. I knew someone out there had to be onto our evil plot.
Your post had me laughing my Canadian ass off 🤣🤣
Thanks. Nice to know I used to be funny. Americans no longer appreciate satire.
I'll never stop appreciating it 😁
lol love it!!! I still want house hippos!!!!
Me too!!!
this was fun, thanks. I'm the best of both. I can flip back & forth between Canadian & American without even thinking abt it (20 years in the states, 50 in Canada). Where do I sign up to be a spy? 🇨🇦🇺🇲
The spy school is in Nunavut, that's how they make sure Americans don't sneak in.
Listen we are getting worried up here. 🇨🇦Time for the mango Mussolini to go to the rainbow in the sky.
Let's hope Kamala can get 'er done!
Thanks. I think we have become programmed by your "spies" to call them "Canada Geese" and not "Canadian Geese." Calling them "cobra chickens" certainly takes the nationality bias out of it. (We apparently choose to add nationality bias to everything we hate, or don't understand.)
Once again, thanks for enlightening us in a light-hearted way.
Cobra chickens really does make them an equal-opportunity menace.
Yeah, I was told as they don’t hold citizenship they weren’t Canadian geese. I had no idea I was talking to infiltrators…
lol I’ve always said Canadian geese. There sure are a lot of infiltrators!!
After 70 years in California using a kettle, I find out that I am actually Canadian 😳???
😆😆 Welcome to the team, my newfound Canucklehead!
I’m from the Fingerlakes region of NYS. I 💕💕💕💕the house hippo psas. I want house hippos. I will emigrate to Canada if you promise I can have some. I like hockey, am familiar with Tim Horton’s (but prefer Dunkin’s), poutine (you had me at hot melty cheese), and maple syrup is a basic staple to be kept in stock at all times.
You're in! Your house hippos shall be delivered in a fortnight.
Yay!!!!!!!!
Very clever tips for us US…ers
I don't worry about the spies, eh. It's the thieves that I watch for:
https://kenbarber.substack.com/p/camp-robbers
We don’t apologize. We throw ourselves at the mercy of the other wailing I’m sorry a thousand times.
Proud British Columbian here. Felt a little left out with all the maple syrup stuff - that’s strictly a “back east” phenomenon. I must’ve missed the Tim Horton’s reference but enjoyed your essay nonetheless. What about moose tracks and beaver butt ice cream, those have got to be a Canuck invention?
When I travel in the states, I am spotted right quick, what with my ehs and sorrys. Would make a crap spy, no doubt. Anyhoo, great job Robin, ya hoser!
I love this post! I didn't know about the house hippo thing and got a kick out of the video
I'm American!!! Woot woot!
I love our Canadian neighbors.