How to Not Be a Racist Asshat or Bigoted Bunghole

It’s surprisingly easy to realign your hatred chakras with target-other-assholes therapy

These days, there’s a lot of hatred and anger being hurled around. And before panties get twisted across the political spectrum — both sides hurl it out. Granted one side does tend to skew more towards the racist and bigoted fuckery.

But we’re a bunch of angry wankers these days.

‘Did you just call us wankers?’

Yes. We’re all a bunch of self-fornicating feral fuckers. Humans are just masturbating monkeys with mortgages and day jobs. Despite being at the top of the food chain (something that doesn’t bode well for our planet), our species is still often reduced to our most base instincts.

Like anger.

I don’t picture human anger fading peacefully into the ether anytime soon, as idyllic as that Kumbaya idea sounds. So instead of trying to ameliorate that anger by joining hands and doing a giant Care Bear stare, I have another idea.

Do what I do, and realize there are way better ways to fuel and expel rage. No, not masturbation. Although…that can work too, as long as you don’t choke the chicken too hard. But no, instead, we need to figure out better ways to target our collective anger.

This is especially true for people who categorize and judge people based on utterly meaningless things in the grand scheme of things, like skin color or sexual orientation.

Are you judging people and assigning value to something as inconsequential as skin color?

Pft, boring.

It doesn’t tell you anything about the human in the skin. There are ample personality-based reasons to get your hate-on. Like the fact that they could be vegan. Vegan trumps skin color every time. One of my good friends is a vegan; she hates other vegans too, and we bond over it.

Why fight over a little melanin when you could be quarreling over how many times someone has called you a murderer, or how they tried to trick you with tofu jerky? The horror.

Hate someone for being gay?

Pfft, that’s amateur shit.

Have you tried hating someone for being a loud chewer? Or for taking their socks off on airplanes? Now that’s some hatred you can really sink your teeth into. Your proverbial teeth; don’t bite loud chewers. And stay away from barefoot people because they might shove their socks in your agape mouth.

How about anti-semitism?

Nah, that’s some basic-bitch hatred. But oooh, have you tried hating someone for wielding the bible wrong to suit whatever they’re unironically bitching about despite them doing the same behaviour themselves? Now that’s the filet-mignon of collective battling someone into oblivion.

Misogyny? Bitch, please.

Why hate women when you could band together with your brothers to hate parents who let their feral, errant, human sex trophies run around a restaurant screaming at the top of their lungs? Or parents who let their child kick your seat for four hours straight on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Hatred for trans people? Meh, what’s a little gender swapping between friends? Gender bending is fun for the whole family. Try it sometime, it’s pretty freeing.

Why get mad at who’s using which washroom (when we all share them in our homes relatively easily) when we could band together and gang up on the people who don’t flush after using public toilets?

Let’s fuel this rage into a Tuesday-night meetup of haters who form a militia against people (of any, or no, gender) who pee on the seat?

Instead of donning gay pointy white hats and chanting about expelling Mexicans and other immigrants from your white backyard — have you tried hating on the douchebags who drive lifted trucks and use those especially bright headlines that could blind a mole from a mile away?

Or anyone with truck nuts.

There’s a reason testes are hidden in layers of underwear and pants, nobody wants to see those wrinkly bastards swaying around in public. Truck nuts are so testacularly awful that Idaho banned them. Idaho, a red state of ‘don’t tread on me’ trucking motherfuckers.

In case you need even more things to collectively hate, together:

• Drivers who overtake you on the road, and then slow down once they’re in front of you. I’ll curse your lineage for generations.

• People who go 10 under the speed limit in the fast lane. In the words of the illustrious bard, Ludacris, “Move, bitch, get out the way”.

• People who try to win arguments by being louder and dumber. This tends to be accompanied by an especially punchable face.

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We puny humans can be a hateful species sometimes. And even the slightly more Mother Theresa-askew of us have our moments of being colossal asshats. Why not target that angsty rage, to expel the hatred in our hearts at the people who deserve it most? Like close-talkers, who feel the need to invade your face’s personal airspace so that their saliva moistens the hair we all have on our upper lip.

Initially, I wasn’t going to target the Americans specifically, but I will. Your country has never been more divided. It’s the DisUnited States of America. I think over the coming months, you’re going to see that people across the political spectrum have more in common than they differ.

Both Democrats and Republicans are going to be feeling the squeeze of tariffs, focus on affording to feed their families, and ensuring their businesses, careers, and 401Ks stay solvent. Use this time to reunify.

Y’all have more in common than you think.

And you’re hating the wrong things.

Why direct your anger at each other, when you could Care Bear stare it into the belly of the oligarchal beast. Or, people who walk in the middle of a grocery aisle, perfectly positioned so that no one can get by them, even though they’re moving at the pace of a stoned sloth.

If we’re going to hate, let’s do it constructively. Use it against society’s biggest asshats, like people who cut in lines, influencers who ask ‘Do you know who I am?’ (we don’t, and nobody cares), and oligarchs bankrupting the American people.

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