Holy Fuckballs--Substack Is Amazing

Some gratitude for a major milestone, and how y'all rock harder than a headbanger at a Metallica concert

From Giphy

I wanted to take a quick break from your regularly scheduled comedic programming to do another quick gushy post about Substack. Hot diggity dang do I love it here.

There are some absolutely amazing people, and I’ll overlook the fact that sometimes your comments on my notes and articles are funnier than mine. You peeps are all my personal Yoda’s.

When I first heard of Substack, and that you had to get people to cough up their extremely hard-earned cash I thought—pfft, never going to happen. Definitely not for my silly little jokes. But I’ve never been happier to be proved wrong.

I was going through a comedic existential crisis before coming here.

For two years I’d been writing my silly shenanigannery on Medium.com, and developed a small cult following. Then I stopped growing and figured all the freaks and geeks had found me, and that’s how many people would like my writing until the end of time.

I did ok, but generally my pieces got a hundred to two hundred reads then vanished into digital oblivion. Medium themselves generally didn’t think I was worth curating, and for a while—I believed them.

I wish I’d known that Substack is the place to really let your freak flag fly.

Y’all incredibly humans have shown me that it is though.

And guess what—today I just cracked the Top 100 humor Substacks on the ‘Leaderboard’!!! Sorry for the exclamation points, but honestly that made me happier than a unicorn with a lollypop.

I look at that as an incredible accomplishment. Even more so when I remember that I haven’t even been here 6 months yet (it will be 6 months on the 21st of this month).

Even crazier is that—holy fuckballs Batman—I’m about to become a Substack bestseller!

Only four more paid subscribers and I’ll have my fancy schmancy checkmark.

Should a leaderboard and checkmark matter? Well, no. But I don’t think any of us would be unhappy about it.

But it happened at a time when I’ve been going downhill on Medium. Steadily for the last 6 months, I have had fewer views, fewer readers and rarely get curated. Honestly, I was questioning my comedy after that. I know I gathered a cool crowd, but algorithmically I was flatlining. Actually that’s a lie, views were going down.

Maybe I sucked donkey balls.

From Giphy

Then I came here and you all showed me how wrong I was. Color me enlightened.

So a massive, tear-filled thank you to all of you supporters—you’re the reason all this happened.

Every single person who supported me helped me make the leaderboard and will help me get that bestseller checkmark. But more than making those goals my bitch—you showed me that my silly jokes are worthwhile. Whenever someone says ‘Thank you for starting my day with laughter’, my heart smiles.

So does my face.

I’ve been a professional writer for closing in on two decades, but I only focused on humor writing in the last few years. I could make a metric fuckton more money writing about other things—but my stubborn ass refused to give up on the giggles.

There’s more to life than money, but since my landlord continually refuses to be paid in chuckles I did come close to giving up my humor writing.

But there’s too much darkness in the world. And anxiety, hate, sadness, and pain. Laughter won’t change the world, but it can help us get through the clusterfucks that life throws at us. Or, if you watched the movie Dodgeball—wrenches.

And this is why I’m happier than a corgi on stilts.

I am more shit-grinningly happy than a seagull with a stolen french fry—to try and bring light and laughter to the world. And your support of me, by becoming paid subscribers or liking and commenting to make posts go further algorithmically—is the best feeling in the world.

From Giphy

So, thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart for encouraging me not to give up on my goals of making people laugh until they forget their problems…or pee their pantaloons and now have another problem.

You all shine brighter than a disco ball and I want to orbit y’alls splendor like a disco-powered satellite.

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Tomorrow I’ll return to the funnies—I pinky promise.

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If anyone wants to help me over the hump to get my checkmark…

I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you:

$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)

$2 per month (equal love here)

$3 per month (ditto)

$4 per month (you rebel)

$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)

Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you and you’re a sparkly diamond in a pewter world.