Flat Earthers Are(n’t) Edgy

I have some questions for the tabletop planeteers…

Gif from Trolli on Giphy

If you listen to conspiracy theories, Paul McCartney is dead, the moon isn’t real, King Charles is a vampire, dinosaurs built the pyramids, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, and Finland doesn’t exist. Also, Australia doesn’t exist…but more on that later.

I love a good conspiracy theory. What can I say, they’re mindbogglingly entertaining to read. I read the news, sciencey and smart people things too, but conspiracy theories is like the dessert of reading; it has frosting, in the form of batshit crazy people, saying batshit crazy things.

There’s one theory that says birds aren’t real. They’ve all been replaced by the government with drones.

Another that says the US government is run by lizard people. Although at this point, I honestly might vote for them since a gecko could do a better job at running America than the current administration. The reptilian-alien illuminati theory isn’t the most fringe group either; 12 million Americans believe it.

…That’s almost 4% of the population.

While the lizard overlorders are a head-shakingly large population that walk amongst us — they pale in size comparison to flat-earthers:

“A YouGov survey of more than 8,000 American adults suggested last year that as many as one in six Americans are not entirely certain the world is round, while a 2019 Datafolha Institute survey of more than 2,000 Brazilian adults indicated that 7% of people in that country reject that concept, according to local media,” reports CNN

That’s almost 17% of Americans who have clearly never been on a plane and looked at the curve of the earth. Or who has talked to a pilot? Unless they think pilots are also reptilian aliens, pimping their globe theory to maintain their hegemonic, ectothermic, amniotic reign.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m not in the almost 17% of Americans who believe the Earth is a pancake. Despite the fact that I love pancakes and a global maple syrup jacuzzi has just been added to my roster of upcoming dreams. Yup, I’m a Round’er.

Also, I’ve been to Australia, a country continent that flat earthers think is a globetard hoax.

I guess the only thing I have to fear is sphere itself.

I guess these mental gymnastics of sun and moon movement explain it? (Gif by PrettyDamnGreat on Giphy)

It’s wild that such a large percentage of humans (and lizard-people) believe the Earth is flat, with their roundabout way of thinking. And they have members, ironically, ‘around the globe’. I guess their worldwide numbers help broaden their horizons.

I think I love flat-earthers the most out of all of the conspiracy whackadoodles because disproving it only takes grade-two science. But roll with me on this, there’s a beauty in their dogged insistence despite everything telling them otherwise. Like watching a ship disappear hull first over the horizon, or watching a sunset, then quickly running to a high elevation and watching more sunset — and then still believing the earth is flatter than Kansas.

We’ve known the Earth is round for millennia. Back in 240 CE, Eratosthenes, a Greek mathematician, geographer, and astronomer, calculated the size of the Earth’s sphere pretty accurately using the sun's rays in different locations. No plane ticket is even required for that little experiment.

I adore that flat-earthers are a global phenomenon who communicate with each other via satellite technologies that disprove their own theory.

American rapper B.o.B tried to crowdfund $200,000 (later upped to $1 million) to buy a satellite to prove that his flat-earth model is correct. He did it recently, in 2017. Did he think the satellite would just hover, instead of orbit?

There are so many simple ways to see that the Earth is the shape of a giant eyeball. You could just look up at the moon and see that it’s a sphere. Along with all of the other planets in the universe. Or ask a scientist. Although they may have been replaced with lizards too.

Sigh, they won’t listen to physicists, so perhaps a psychiatrist would be a smarter approach to them.

But just to definitively answer the question, ‘Is the Earth in the shape of a Christmas bulb or a pizza box?’, I went to the ends of the earth to find the answer. I called NASA.

They said, “It’s a sphere, don’t worry — we checked!”

Gif from Star Talk on Giphy

I Have Some Questions for Globe-aphobes

If you encounter a flat-earther out there in the wild, ask them about their theories; lore has it that they’ll go on for hours about how their facts are on the level. If you want to really up the ante, tell them you don’t believe in the globe or flat earth — you think the earth is a donut.

I, however, have never run into a flat-earther in the flesh. This leads me to my own conspiracy theory, that flat-earthers aren’t real. But if they were, I’d have some questions for them…

Have you never seen a photograph from space? Did you just think that we really just nailed the angle every time in some sort of mass-delusional camera optics?

The flat-earthing lifestyle is a recent phenomenon. Well, it had a bit of time in the sun before Aristotle and Eratosthenes. Then there was probably a brief stint for Ferdinand Magellan haters. Flat-earthing is a recent phenomenon based on modern-day idiocracy, so how did that get started?

Did one dude from the navy, one time, make a joke about sailing around the earth and going through a big rollercoaster-like looopty-loo, and a bunch of people took him seriously?

Is this how it started? (Gif from Guatier Sans H on Giphy)

Where do they think the oxygen comes from, the atmosflat?

What word do flat earthers use instead of “global”, antipodal? So do they believe in antipodal warming, or if you believe in one conspiracy theory, you’re peer pressured to believe them all, and there is no antipodal warming?

If the world is so flat, then how is your life going so downhill?

I also think it’s funny that flat-earthers make a big deal out of the shape of the planet. You know what would change in my life if all of a sudden NASA and the 76 other space agencies around the globe *ahem*, space agencies over the vast flatness, said the earth is flat?

Nothing.

Same with flat-earthers. Stop protesting, get back to Walmart and finish your shift, there are pallets to unpack, cashiers to man and robots to check to make sure they’re washing the floor right.

I Challenge Flat Earthers to Duel (of Sorts)

Now that I’ve poked fun at the globe-aphobes, I’m aware that they might come after me. I’m assuming by land, since sea and air seem like suss ways to travel for them.

So, flat-earthers — if you’d like to exact revenge on my snarky arse, please start a crowdfunding campaign to buy me a cruise to the edge of the universe. If I see it, I promise I’ll jump off it, with a mai tai in hand, from the lido deck.

Anyhoozy, at the end of the Earth is neither flat nor globular. It’s fucked.

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