English is Utter Nonsensical Nincompoopery

A perplexing ode to English’s oxymorons

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite? (I made this with my poppycock design skills.)

Of all the things I have to be happy about in life, having English as my native language is near the top of the list. It’s the cat’s pyjamas. Well, if you’re American it’s the cat’s pajamas.

And that there is the first reason I’m thrilled that I never had to learn English as a second language. It’s hard.

As a Canadian my English spellings are time-shared in my brain bucket by mom and dad, England and America. If I’m traveling to the US, I use one ‘L’ but travelling in England requires two.

English is ridonkulous.

In fact, it’s such balderdasherous poppycock that I wrote a lil ditty about it.

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*Ahem.

English is illogically ludicrous
womb is pronounced “woom”
and tomb is “toom”
but bombs go boom

English is ostensibly oxymoronic
it’s seriously funny to be almost ready
you can be all alone and yet act normally
but you’d be clearly confused to be called pretty ugly

The term crash landing sounds deceptively honest
and negative growth sounds overbearingly modest
a genuine imitation sounds like an impossible solution
in the way loyal opposition sounds like true fiction

There is controlled chaos in constant variables
and freezer burn is clearly understandable
there’s a joyful sadness in your boss’ conspicuous absence
and an idiot savant’s silent scream brings deafening silence

English is incongruously inane
but understandable through tough thorough thought
but why can a bough can be both bought or brought
but then a rough cough ruins that thorough thought

There’s no egg in eggplant
and there’s an aunt and ant
there’s no ham in hamburger
but a burgle’s done by a burglar

English is asininely absurd
because they’re over there with their heirs
but you can’t pare your pair of pears
and for some pears rhymes with ayres

Man becomes men
pan doesn’t become pen
leaf becomes leaves
but beef isn’t beaves
minx becomes minxe
sbut sphinx becomes sphinges

English is nonsensically ridiculous
because few means very little but a few means some
because plum is pronounced the same as plumb
and for whatever reason some rhymes with numb

English is farcically futile
will peace cease in Greece?
is your niece Denise feeling caprice?
do geese ever crease or grease?

Foul fowls of goose become geese
and yet moose are never meese
multiple mouse are mice
but house are never hice

There are homographs, homophones, and homonyms
but then there’s sonographs, saxophones, and synonyms
there’s onomatopoeia and anthropomorphism
and still prosopopoeia and anachronism

Do infants enjoy infancy,
as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If horrific means horrible,
does terrific make terrible?
If a piano player becomes a pianist
,why isn’t a race car driver a racist?

English is
preposterously impenetrable
unvenerably untenable
unpenetrably irreparable
immeasurably babbleable
and thankfully — editable

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This poem goes out to all the people who have wondered why the hell English has silent letter k’s.

I’ll knife whoever invented that.

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