Dick Pics: A Solution to Unsolicited Salami

Hey Dudes, stop sending us pics of your tube steak — or else…game on

Nope, I don’t want that in my mouth. Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Have you ever watched one of those old-timey movies or shows and saw a door (probably to a white-picket-fenced house) that had a mail slot in it? Or maybe you’re like me and just old-timey enough to remember seeing them. Well, imagine if the mailman instead of inserting mail into it stuck his dick in it.

That’s what getting an unsolicited dick pic is like.

I can only imagine when smartphone cameras first came out that a bunch of dudes, probably all named Chad, did that ‘bro giggle’ and immediately took a picture of their beef whistles. They then decided that women absolutely needed to see their masterful penis puppetry photography.

But here’s one of the things about one-eyed wonder weasel pics, men tend to send them late at night. While you’re probably sleeping. So what do we do ladies? We wake up in the morning, stretch, smile at the day ahead of us and grab our phones to see what wonderful news greets us on this beautiful new day.

Boom, meat scepter.

Wonderful.

Instead of checking your mail, you get a digital mutton dagger through the slot.

Chads, question for you — what do you expect us to do with this digital brogurt-weiner photograph? Drool? Swoon? Tell you how veinously glorious it is? Well, that’s definitely not what happens. I’m not sure what all women do, but my friends and I trade them like baseball cards.

I can promise you (unless we ask) — we don’t want to see your prickle pickle. Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Oodles of women looking at your custard-launcher pic — well, that’s living the dream right? You hit a long, hard one into left field. But let’s face it, you’re not all a Mickey Mantle rookie card. My friends and I are rarely even looking at your turkey baster. It’s more comments like “eww, those towels in the background look filthy”, or “A size comparison with a remote control — ya, ok there buddy.”

Put Yo Dick Away

As much as you love to hang out with your wang out, we’d rather you kept that trouser snake…in your trousers. Fuck, at this point we’d at least prefer if you got creative. Instead of the dick, send a ball pic. Both, full scrotum or just an avant-garde singular testicle. If you really want to impress her, do some sort of origami with those wrinkly meat folds.

Here’s another idea — instead of sending them to a lady who you want to touch it (who in reality will simply mock it amongst their friends), send them to other dudes. Start a trend. Send it to dudes you want to fight, like it’s a digital glove slap challenging them dueling swords at dawn.

Other men really are your target market — ain’t nobody as obsessed with pump-action DNA rifles as men themselves. But perhaps you’re using us ladies as a decoy to get yo dick out there to other men, since we don’t just show the ladies. We’ll show them to other dudes too.

Lawd knows why but for some reason, about half of them want to see them. But have to phrase it in a way that they really don’t want to, ‘but…like…for science n shit’. The other half don’t want to see it, but neither do we — so boom, piss weasle pic.

We’re back to the food analogies — and we still don’t want your baby banana. Photo by Scott Sanker on Unsplash

Ladies — I Found the Solution

After you’re done laughing, or picking up your phone you threw halfway across the room in shock, your first response might be to ridicule — in hopes that will scare them away from doing it again. ‘Aww, what happened to it?’.

That’s a trap.

Some men like that. And they’ll pay for it, so don’t do it for free.

I’ve got a better solution to unsolicited salami photography…send a dick pic back. Hear me out. Quickly google the veiniest motherfucker you can find— and hit send. For a sick twist, find one that has hotspots or is oozing something gross. I can guarantee you that this is not the response he was looking for.

There are multiple benefits to this:

• The element of surprise.

• Shock and awe.

• He’ll be more confused than a fart in a fan factory.

• His erection will (probably) go away.

Here’s the thing, in war and life — turnabout is fair play. He waged the dick war by firing his tuna torpedo but it’s your job to end it. And this does end it. I’ve never gotten a second dick pic from a dude I sent a revenge dick pic back.

Gentlemen, keep the baloney pony in the stable.

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