Be a Hero, Adopt an Introvert Today
Introverts need our extroverted help
I’m an ambivert. Or maybe I’m just an undercover introvert who’s bad at it. I can talk to people, sometimes, and often get along well with strangers. But also immediately after I go out, I’ll wish I were home. I’m having a great time, but also…let’s wrap this up.
We ambiverts are doing a-ok, probably. But introverts need your help. A recent study by Fictitious Facts Quarterly found that only 10% of introverts found their friends by going outside and talking to people. The other 90% were found by extroverts who adopted them.
Extroverts, the innies need your help — adopt a local introvert today.
Queue the Sarah McLachlan music. *In the arms of an angel*.
For only pennies a day, you can make a difference in the life of a borderline shut-in. These socially-orphaned humans need a loving companion to rescue them from the confines of the cages they’ve stuck themselves in for years at a time. They need your friendship, occasionally (but call first).
Make a difference, adopt an introvert today.
Where to Find Your Introvert
Ready to make a difference in the life of an introvert? Let’s go over the available adoption centers in your area. Common introvert hiding spots include: libraries, bookstores, anywhere else with books, the park, the internet, and their homes/basements.
Occasionally, you may see an introvert running feral in the wild. If an introvert somehow made it to a party, they’re relatively easy to spot. They’ll be the one in the corner playing with the dog.
Acclimatizing Your Introvert
You can’t simply drop your introvert into the chaos of your life; the shock alone might kill them. Think of them like a goldish, you’re moving from a bag to a tank. Introverts' brains are stimulated more easily than their extroverted counterparts, which requires acclimatization to your life.
Pay special attention to their social queues and allow ample preparation time and recharging time—before and after—leaving the house with your introvert.
When introducing them to your group of friends, do so slowly — ideally, one at a time. They may not take to the group and become your single-serving friend outside of a group dynamic. If they do take to your social group, they’ll penetrate it via osmosis.
The Benefits of Introvert Adoption
If adopting and acclimatizing an introvert sounds like a lot of work, it isn’t. It will likely happen slowly, in small doses, as they suss you out and overanalyze you.
Your new introvert will come with numerous fantastic perks, including:
You’ll receive the dankest memes in your inbox — with the added benefit of there being no need to respond with anything other than an emoji.
If you ever need to cancel plans, don’t stress! They’ll be super happy about it.
If you’re out doing something, wondering if you’ve been doing it long enough that you can leave now? If you’re with your introvert, you can. They’re probably pondering the same thing (since they arrived).
You might have to design the going-out plans, but they’ll make the conversation. Ahead of time. In their head. Please follow the script accurately.
They’re exceptional listeners. You don’t have to ask or wonder if they’re listening to you and other people…they are.
They’re a built-in cool-o-meter for assessing new people. They’ll spend ample time sussing out the people you come across. If they let their weirdness out, that person is decidedly cool and worth your time. This perk is an excellent time-saver for extroverts.
For a final added perk, each introvert will come complete with a set of unique hobbies. Extroverts, are you too busy people-ing to have hobbies? Your new introvert will have you covered with a wide array of interesting and weird hobbies.
Hobbies may include: puppetry, entomology (a pre-requisite for extreme introverting), ghost hunting, LARPing, fictional languages, yodeling, extreme ironing, ant farming, miniature taxidermy, knife-making, beetle-fighting, tape art, yarn-bombing, and competitive duck herding.
Get Started
To inquire about, or begin the process of, adopting an introvert — please text 1–800-AVOIDME. You’ll receive our free, no-pressure Friend a ‘Vert info package.
*No introverts were harmed in the writing of this post.
Support this ambivert in her quest to pretend to be an online extrovert
I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…
$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)
$2 per month (equal love here)
$3 per month (ditto)
$4 per month (you rebel)
$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
Please don’t find us.
I don't have to look far to find an introvert, as I'm married to one. The rewards are rich, but it does require some knowledge and skill. Kind of like adopting a rescue greyhound.