Are Your Nipples Weird Too?

Yes, it’s another titillating boobicle, this time — NippleTalk

Image from Giphy

I made it through my entire boobicle without slipping the nip, or so it seemed. When I wrote that original breastacular titacle it was already a 6-minute read and then I had another four minutes on just the nip.

For those who were anxiously awaiting my NippleTalk — here it is.

Throughout most of my life, I was self-conscious about my small boobs. So much so that I wore padded bras, WonderWoman bras, and, for a few years, the ‘water bra’. If you’re wondering if wearing a waterbed for your boobs was heavy, it was. Oh the things I’d do for a cup size (or three).

In addition to overall boob size, I was also self-conscious about my nipples. Yes, the things a woman can be self-conscious about know no bounds.

My biggest concern was never the shape or even the size of my titty sprinkles, it was the hair.

I’m not Nipsquatch or Chest Chewbacca, but sometimes a few runaway hairs can pop up. I was always self-conscious about it, and it affected my boobsteem. Enough that I’d tweeze the haireolas. Yeah, ouch.

In my late teens and early 20s, almost all of my friends were dudes. I remember a conversation one time when one guy friend mentioned nipple hair on a chick he was hooking up with.

I shrunk down to the size of a fly and stuck to the wall.

Apparently, men do notice hair on our mammaroni. Well, shit. But then another dude said ‘Who cares, you’re still seeing boobs’. The conversation ended there, in a huzzah for boobs.

Look, it’s common enough that there’s a GIF for it! Image from Giphy

And just like that, I felt less conscious about an errant hair on my nips.

A small amount of boob pubes is normal for many women. However, it can be a sign of polycystic ovary syndrome (but you’d probably have some errant hairs in other places too). So if you have some hair on your nips — join the nipple-hair club, it happens to a lot of us.

Four Types of Chest Chupacabra

Did you know there are four types of nipples? I didn’t until I researched this; oh the things I do for writing.

1. ‘Standard’ — these ones are where the nippleometer sticks out a few millimeters from the areola.

2. ‘Flat’ — they’re flat until aroused, cold, or otherwise bothered.

3. ‘Puffy’ — these constantinipples stick out but the areola is also raised a few millimeters.

4. ‘Inverted’ — these boob berries form a slight divot and point inward, like meat-melon dimples.

There’s one bonus nip type, ‘Unilateral’. I know I said there are four types, this one is a hybrid where one is an outie and one is an innie. Boobs can be weird like that.

Which one of these is ‘normal’?

All of them.

Between 10–20% of women are born with one, or both, nipsicles inverted. It can happen with men as well, but male nips are an under-researched market it seems. Areola Borealis really span the gauntlet in color, shape and size — although the average nipple gripple is only about as thick as a ladybug.

A nippletastic study done in 2009, of 300 women’s boob sombreros, found great variances in size. But they did establish some averages. They also published a paper with phrasing that I personally find hilarious:

“To investigate the morphologic characteristics of the nipple-areola complex, the diameter of the nipple-areola complex and the height of the nipple in 300 adult women (600 breasts) were measured using micrometer calipers.”

The results of the 300 women — or 600 boobs — found that the average areola diameter is 4 cm, or roughly the size of a brussel sprout. The nipples themselves have an average diameter of 1.3 cm, about the size of a blueberry. And the nipple ‘height’ is just under 1 cm, or the size of a pea.

Just to confuse things, your notorious N.I.P’s may change in size or shape over your lifetime. During menopause, our chesticle corkscrews can flatten or invert as our milksicles dry up. The size of our boob pepperoni can change with pregnancy too, something my mom has reminded me of far too many times. I get it Mom, your dinner-plate nipples are my fault.

No matter the shape, size, or color of your human pacifiers, don’t worry — someone will be a fan of it.

Fun fact, when comedian Whitney Cummings had a robotic sex doll made of herself (she called it ‘Bear Claw’) to use in her special she looked at an entire wall of nipples. When she asked which ones were most popular, they said different people like different styles. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Image from Giphy

Speaking of odd nip shit, do you know what’s surprisingly common?

Superfluous nipples.

About 6% of people have a third nip.

Nipplitivity

Any boob-sporting person who’s tried to jog without a bra can attest to how sensitive our hooter handles are. They can rub, and chafe — and here in Canada they can even freeze. We learn early on not to touch your tongue, or nipples to a metal pole in winter. Just me? Ok.

Cold weather does have an effect on the kinky binky though. When you’re cold, your body’s autonomic system tries to conserve heat and causes a contraction in the tissue. It’s called a nipple vasospasm, and can range from ‘tingly’ to ‘ouchie’. This is avoidable through modern technology though since there are now heated bras to go with our heated mitts.

The same receptors that make vasospasm ouchie can also bring pleasure. So much so that some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone. Our brains process the stimulation in the same way that they process stimuli from our nether regions.

In what might be the most awkward and most fun experiment I’ve heard of, in 2016 one study checked the stimulation levels of the nipples of 300 undergraduates. They found that:

“Manipulation of the nipples/breasts causes or enhances sexual arousal in approximately 82% of young women and 52% of young men with only 7–8% reporting that it decreased their arousal.”

So it’s not just female booby braille that enjoy you playing a rousing round of ‘Tune in Tokyo’, half of men like it too. But for 7–8% of people, it’s a boner killer.

Image from Giphy

So, whatever size, shape, or color your tit tips are — the important thing is, that there’s someone out there who will love them. And who will tweak your sweater knobs if you ask them nicely.

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