An Ode to Hippy Voodoo Geology
A poem for wizardous, frew-frew theology
Geologists must have been so excited to hear young women were gravitating towards rocks. Then so disappointed that these ladies thought they had magical powers to shift their mercury into Gatorade.
Crystal healing is nothing new, the ancient Sumerians used them dating back 6,000 years. It’s rumored that lapis lazuli, serpentine, and bullshitalyte were their favorites (ok, only two of those are historically accurate).
Hell, crystals probably go back to the dawn of time; cavewomen probably used them as the original fidget spinners.
Rocks had a renaissance in the 14th century during The Renaissance, then died down for a while as we discovered science. But now, they’re back and I see people counting them like magical beans on TikTok.
I like a pretty shiny thing as much as the next girl, but their magical powers are about as real as Marvel’s infinity stones. So I decided to write a spectacul-ore (forewarning: that won’t be the last geology pun) poem about it…
*Ahem
Magical alchemist cryptic geology
rock-based voodoo witchcraft theology
Crystals make you feel oh so glowing and grounded?
Of course, they’re heavy, you’re literally earth-bounded
Expensive enchantment at thirty bucks a pop
They don’t ward off spirits, you should probably stop
Quartz-mined wizardry accidentology
cobblestone-lined jinxing mineralogy
They cannot heal your cancer or yeast infection
not even enchanted with the voodooist inflection
anthropomorphizing rocks should have ended in the seventies
and they won’t affect your anthro brevities or longevities
Stone-worshipping crypto jewelology
pebble-derived hocus-pocus meteorology
Crystals are shiny and pretty and nice
but have no ju-ju to make you think twice
the only way crystals can actually protect you
is to put ‘em in a sock and throw it like a shoe
Gravel-refined necromancy cryptology
crystalline-incanted abracadabra astrology
Chlamydialite, gonorrhamaline, hepatitisite rocks
syphilisalite, herpemaline, papillomaviralyte crocks
sha-la-la-lyte, noseringalyte, ukulelelyte stones
plutoniumite, poloniumite, cesiumlyte clones
Not all rocks are even safe to be around
just ask Marie Curie and her deathly frown
her magical rocks gave her aplastic anemia
even though radium was her ticket to academia
Astrological stones for metaphysical cosmology
a modern gemstones-derived bijou pseudology
Pricey stones are new-age paraphernalia
and I have a bag of magical beans to sell ya
alas, I’ll no longer continue to jibe and vamp
now off I go to my Himalayan salt-lick lamp
Let’s keep purdy geodes as decorations and handy-dandy fidget spinners, not healthcare.
Or Marie Curie may come back from the grave to haunt us.
I’m assuming those who believe in curative magical petrified potatoes also believe in the pettiness of posthumous disembodied spirits.
And don’t forget their obsession with putting those crystals on their chakras, with the most accurate definition of “chakra” coming from the 20th Century philosopher Joe Bob Briggs: “one of those places where if you hit it with a baseball bat, you die.”
You're becoming a regular Ogden Nash.