Trump , Watch Out--Carney's Coming For You…

America's Trump vs Canada's Carney

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Photos by Daniel Torok and the Canadian Government

In case you live under a rock, or in America (in which case you’re too busy being consumed by your government’s hostile takeover) — Canada recently got a new Prime Minister, Mark Carney.

A ‘prime minister’ is CanuckSpeak for ‘president’. They’re the primest of ministers, the numerological top political dawg. Consider them the Optimus Prime of ministers.

And Canada has a new one.

Well, sort of.

When former PM, Justin Trudeau, stepped down, the Liberal Party of Canada had to elect a replacement. They recently picked Mark Carney. But he was only voted in by the party, not by little Joe-Blow voters like me — so they still need to have an official election by October.

(By the way, I’ll get to the point of comparing Trumpicles and Carney soon, pinky promise.)

But Marky Mark in his ultimate Funky Bunch wisdom has called a snap election early. It will happen on April 28th, 2025.

He called it early because he thinks he has a good chance of winning right now. His opponent, Pierre Poilievre, ran a smear campaign against Canada’s pretty boy Justin — and that’ll bite him in the ass now that he’s been replaced.

It’s funny, when you’re entire campaign is attacking the character of your opponent, you need to pivot quickly. Sound familiar Americans? PP, is the right-wing candidate, and in my opinion, is greasier than a Jersey Shore cast member.

I hope Carney wipes the floor with him.

And since Carney called an early election, he clearly thinks he will.

This is important to Canadians right now, because we need someone to wipe the floor, or their ass, with Donald Rump. We need a strong leader that will stand up to the bully below so that we don’t become the 51st state. Lest we become as embarrassed as the rest of you by our newfound non-optional leader, McDonald’s J Chump.

Mark Carney however is just the guy to do it. He’s every bit the man that Tyrannosaurus Rump isn’t.

One of Marky’s first moves as PM was to snake a $6-billion radar system for Canada, from our mates in Australia — that America was going to buy. Sorry All Caps-Tain Kangaroo, you can’t have it. You should’ve been nicer to Australia, or the rest of the world for that matter.

Anyhoozy, let’s compare the two…

Trump vs Carney — the Showdown of Ass vs Class

Most of this list is going to be comparing apples to the rusted-out bumper of a ’67 Chevy. Except for the first point, political experience…of lackthereof. So we’ll start this political rodeo there.

(Lack of) Political Experience

The Liberal Party of Canada has tried multiple times to recruit Carney into their ranks. But he was too busy. First, he was busy leading the federal Bank of Canada, to avoid the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis that crippled the US.

Then Carney was poached by the Bank of England, the first foreigner ever offered the position, to guide them through Brexit. He was regularly a consultant to Canadian prime ministers, but his being the prime minister now marks his first official foray into federal politics.

Trump also lacked political experience. He was too busy bankrupting casinos, bankrupting himself, and fraudulently inflating property values for economic leverage.

So, you know…samesies.

Wives and Baby Mamas

The illustrious Diana Fox Carney is an economist and climate policy expert. She’s worked with non-profits and think tanks, specializing in environmental and social justice causes in developing nations.

Mark and Diana met at Oxford when they both played on the school’s hockey teams — making it the most Canadian-Commonwealth meet-cute in history.

Melania Grump, met her manchild husband-to-be at a glitterati party during fashion week in 1998, which she attended as a model. Don’t do the mattress-mambo math here, but he only divorced his wife Marla Maples in 1999. Don’t feel too bad for her though, since he was cheating on his first wife, Ivana, with Marla.

All three women together comprise his pyramid scheme of baby mamas.

Questionable Net Worth’s

Trump, well — we don’t know exactly what his net worth is. When you declare your net worth the government is pesky about you paying taxes on it. And Trump, like his rich-as-sin oligarch compadres, isn’t a fan of paying taxes. Guesstimates put it between $4-$6 billion though.

As for Canada’s Carney, the finance guy and banker — technically he hasn’t declared it yet as he was just made prime minister. But he pre-emptively put his small fortune into a blind trust (not one run by his family) even before he had to.

Guestimates put it at about $7 million, which isn’t much for a career finance bro. But when you work at federal banks fixing countries' finances — you don’t get paid the vast sums you would if you were oligarching Wall Street.

A Short Education

In the shortest category on this list, is education. Mark Carney got his bachelor’s degree (with high honours) in economics at Harvard, which he attended thanks to scholarships and financial aid. Then he received his masters and doctoral degrees in economics from Oxford.

Trump got a bachelor’s degree in economics from the University of Pennsylvania. Not that he needed it, since just a couple of years later he became the president of his family’s real estate empire.

The Early Lives of a King and Pauper

Carney was born in Fort Smith, Northwest Territories, a village of about 2,000 people. He was born into a family with a stay-at-home mom (later turned educator), and a father who was a high school principal.

Trump was born into a dynasty family in New York. It’s reported that Fred Trump paid his children $20,000 annually, which today would be about $265,000. At today's standards, he was a millionaire by age eight. He inherited his father’s real estate empire at age 25.

Who Wins?

They’re both winners. One is, unfortunately, the leader of the free world. The other is a Canadian saviour who turned politician to fight a petulant manchild goliath from fee-fie-foe-fumming all over his home and native land.

Next month, I hope Canada will opt for the solid choice — Mark Carney. And not the greaseball attack-ad running alternative. Otherwise, I’ll be eating a lot of crow in April.

And America will continue to have the reality-tv-show president that too many of their compatriots elected — who turned the country into a season of Survivor.

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Here’s hoping that Carney’s Canuck compassion will rub off on the orange barnacle. If not, his ruthless never-back-down-ness will hopefully keep Trumpsicle out of the north.

And, if nothing else—Carney’s doggedness will irritate the hell out of The Donvict and his yeehawdist militia.

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