38 Weird but Strangely Effective Tips for Life
Like, even if the restroom hand soap smells like candied bacon — don’t leave the bathroom sniffing your fingers
I’m a nerd who loves lists. And as I’ve learned recently, many of y’all are nerds who love lists. Like my list of funny Trump names and my lists of dirty synonyms for vagina, penis, sex, masturbation, vibrator, bra, boobs, etc.
I told you, I love lists.
They’re a great way to collect weird things so that you don’t forget them. I also collect people, but not in a weird way, like in my basement.
Since y’all loved some of my other lists, I thought I’d share some of the funniest but peculiarly satisfying life advice I’ve collected over the years. I write them down after I hear someone say something funny, I read it, or I think of it.
Although to be completely honest, I’m also sharing this because I’m scategorically working on multiple different pieces and none of the mofos came together in time for the publishing schedule that I made up in my head and probably nobody cares about but me.
The pieces I’m simultaneously working on include the upsides of psychopathy, why drafting Gen Z is a shit idea, the art of coffin dodging, and how my flipflops are trying to kill me.
Anyhoozy, back to the list…
But don’t worry, bullshit like ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ won’t be on it. Comfort zones are awesome for a reason, if that’s what you makes you happy — stay the fuck there.
Here’s my list of weird advice that I thought was too good not to share:
You can get into a surprising number of places by having a fake printed press pass, a hard hat with a high-visibility vest, or a janitor’s outfit. So keep all of them in your trunk.
Invest in the things that keep you off the ground — beds, chairs, shoes.
If you ever need to get out of an embarrassing or difficult situation, just pretend you’re choking on something. The topic will shift, it will give you time to think of something to say, and/or it will give you a reason to leave. Saying you have diarrhea also works.
Improve your posture by pretending your nipples shoot lasers out of them. By aiming for people’s heads, you’ll naturally cure any slouching.
If you encounter an asshole as you go about your day — they’re an asshole. If every single person you encounter is an asshole — then you’re the asshat.
Don’t do any activities that you wouldn’t want to have to explain to paramedics.
If you get gratification from helping others, be careful not to surround yourself with lazy fuckers.
This tip is from my mom — if you ever have to walk through a dangerous area, stick a lightbulb in your mouth. Or carry a fork, and anyone who tries to fuck with you just start praying, ‘Dear lord, thank you for this abundant meal’. People don’t fuck with people who they think are more batshit crazy than they themselves are.
If you ever need to make someone smile but can’t think of a compliment or joke. Just tuck in your top lip and smile, you’ll look weird and they’ll smile. If they don’t…nothing will work.
Be a good person, but don’t waste your time trying to prove it
If you’re wondering if something is 100% safe to stick your finger into, think about whether you’d put your dick in there.
There are only two ways to do things, correctly — or again.
Try to stay out of the newspaper, hospital and jail. But if you fail on the last one, try to establish dominance quickly.
Don’t be too anxious about a past bad decision. If it were truly that catastrophic, somebody would’ve time-traveled from the future to stop you.
Turn mundane or sad things into challenges. Eating a pizza alone? Cut it into one continuous spiral, like the start of the Yellow Brick Road in the Wizard of Oz. Then see if you can slurp it like a noodle.
Watch how the laziest people in your life get things done. Surprisingly, they don’t fuck around and tend to prioritize things efficiently.
Make people tell you no before you accept defeat. You’d be amazed how many opportunities come from people who can’t be bothered saying no. Obviously, this advice does not apply to sexy time.
Sometimes the last person to fuck up wins based on that alone.
If you’re the smartest one in the room, find a new room
Don’t give excuses unless people ask for them. Then make your excuse weird or funny, then at least you’re both entertained.
Learn when to shut the fuck up. It’s surprisingly helpful, much of the time.
Never forget, you can be right — or you can be happy. (←That one was also ingrained in me by Mom.)
Be like DaVinci. He pursued curiosity, not success; pursued multiple endeavours and didn’t care how long they took; he mixed physical pursuits with intellectual ones. (This one I just added to the list today — which reminded me of this list.)
If you walk like you’re wearing a cape, you’ll look more confident and have better posture.
Use the one-touch rule: if something takes less than one minute to do, just do it immediately. The amount of mental real estate this clears is wild.
Lean into the skid.
Don’t take life advice from people who only got lucky.
Live this mantra: sometimes, people suck.
Follow Homer Simpson's advice: Don’t keep beating yourself up forever about something. Beat yourself up once, then move on. And if you look back, do it to revisit the lesson — not the shame.
Don’t scream at people. Lean in and whisper it to them. That’s much more terrifying.
If you try to rob a bank, whether you fail or succeed, you won’t have to worry about rent or food for a while.
Even if the restroom handsoap smells like candied bacon — don’t leave the bathroom sniffing your fingers.
Make a friend; play the odds. Afraid of being struck by lightning? Stand near someone taller than you. Terrified of being eaten by a shark while swimming? Bring a friend (or swim over to a stranger), and your odds of being eaten by a shark immediately drop 50%.
If you accidentally fart in public, don’t be embarassed. Just yell out ‘I’m jet-powered!’ then run away.
If you don’t want to end up in someone’s viral social media video, have a song by a popular artist playing loudly, they’ll be sued/have to take it down due to copyright infringement.
Don’t listen to your fav songs while you’re sad, or make them your morning alarm. That will only make you hate the songs.
Forgive your enemies, it’ll annoy the hell out of them.
Baffing people with nonsense can have the same effect as blinding people with brilliance. One is just easier than the other.
That’s it for now. I’ll be back shortly with either something on the Gen Z draft, the highlights of psychopathy or which states are the freakiest based on their porn habits (my scatter-brained arse has been meaning to finish that summabitch for a while).
Number 4 just doesn't work at my age. My nipples have gone south for the winter and they don't appear to be ever coming back. They may be languishing in an ICE concentration camp in Florida. (Happy Canada Day!)
I, like many women (I suspect), love lists, so I loved this article! So many unusual items. “Walk like you’re wearing a cape” is one I’m going to try because I have bad posture. It just might work!
I look forward to many more lists from your wild and crazy brain!