13 Times Human Logic has Utterly Failed Us

Like exchanging bodily fluids to say I like you, or fighting over whose imaginary friend is cooler

Gif by NBC

If you zoom out on the collective behaviors of humanity and pretend you’re an outsider looking in — we are…well, weird. We’re at the top of the evolutionary food chain, but some of the things we do are truly mind-boggling.

We’ve sent humans to space, but we tie little nooses around our necks to look fancy. We’ve doubled our life expectancy with modern plumbing and medicine, but people die every year from tilting vending machines. We have access to all of human intelligence across all of time and space, but we also eat laundry pods because people on the smart brick in our hands told us to.

Meh, what can I say — we’re a complicated species.

So I thought I’d put together a list of some of the things that we do that have zero logic attached to them:

Playing Dress Up

None of us sit at home in a tuxedo or ball gown (but if you do, kudos on being awesome even if uncomfortable), yet when we go out we just pretend that’s how we look. When we go to work, we dress up so that other people, who are also playing dress up, will take us seriously.

Many of us dislike dressing up, so much so that we’ve defined the term ‘business casual’, where we dress up as better-dressed versions of our slobby selves. If we’re not going to be comfortable, why not just have weird dress-up traditions, like going to work in a tutu and a snorkel?

Fighting Over a Judgmental Dude on a Cloud

To me, one of the weirdest things we do is separate ourselves into weird cliques, following outdated books, written by infallible humans. Then we argue over who’s imaginary best friend is cooler.

Try to Run on Vibes and Wonder Why We’re Tired

We stay up late because we’re trying to scroll to the end of TikTok, after a day where we ate a burrito, three grapes, and a bathtub-size amount of energy drinks. The next day we wonder why we’re tired.

Then we lather, rinse, and repeat that process. Apparently, we learn nothing.

Parking Wars

Able-bodied humans will waste approximately four minutes looking for a parking spot closest to the door of where we’re going, often looping around in hopes that one car will have been sucked into hell and freed up that space. When picking a further spot and walking would’ve taken a minute and a half.

It’s funniest when we do that going to a mall we’re going to walk around. Or the gym.

Shave, Then Clothe

We’ll shave our heads, legs, armpits, faces, and backs. Then cover it up with a hat or sweater because we’re cold.

Sucking Face to Show Affection

Hi, I really like you, and I’ll prove it by licking your face hole that you shovel food into. I like the words that you form with your tongue, so let’s mash them together and exchange saliva.

And this isn’t even the weirdest place we put our mouths on to show someone we like them.

Drinking Milk

Breastfeeding is natural, but some of us never get off the teat. Instead, we move to the teat of another animal. It’s possible that aliens came here, saw us enjoying drinking milk from a cow’s teat, and decided not to talk to us.

(Also, the person to discover cow milk, well…)

We like milk so much that we’ll eat the congealed version of it that’s gone a little bit rotten and smells like dirty feet. And we pay good money for that experience. The more it smells like an armpit, the more we’ll pay.

Then, if we milkaholics realize how weird that is, we try to recreate that experience with non-dairy ‘milk’. We’ve then switched from the teat to nut juice.

Commuting to Remote Work

We worked alone for much of human existence, hunting and gathering and all that. Then we started to industrialize, and we all worked communally in one space, so that we could create more together shhtuff than we could by ourselves. Then we figured out how to create together from the comfort of our own homes — thank you, modern internet.

But now, they’re telling people to come back into the office, so that you can sit in a tiny cube-walled fort and join your coworkers on Zoom for meetings.

And you have to put pants on for this.

HR is a real stickler about the pants thing.

Candles

We’re afraid of fire, which is logical because it can kill us. But then we think it’s romantic and a vibe to set tiny fires around our house. Fairly illogical, even if it does smell like a lilac’s asshole.

Lawns

The concept of lawns is weird. We pick the particular type of grass that our eyeballs like, then we spend time watering it and fertilizing it and mowing it. In fact, roughly every week, we’ll mow it to a specific height that we deem correct, and yell at other people if their green stuff is higher than we think it should be.

We love grass so much we’ll scream at people to not touch it.

And we can’t even eat it.

Or smoke it.

Decorating Tree Corpses

Christmas is a weird holiday. We lie to children about a magical fat man breaking into their home in the middle of the night, to leave gifts that we in fact bought for them. Instead, we tell them that this home intruder had his enslaved minions make them.

And he’ll leave them under the corpse of a dying tree that we brought indoors and decorated with shiny things. We illuminate it with tiny lights so we can better watch it die.

Show Love Through Dying Flowers

I never understood why cut flowers were the ultimate gift. Why not a potted plant? It’s less temporary. Unless you have a brown thumb like I do, and then they both last about the same amount of time.

But why is it considered thoughtful or romantic to pay someone to slay beautiful flowers in your honor, so that you can watch them die?

Expressing Emotion by Leaking

We already nailed the expressing emotions thing with facial expressions and words. Ok, not all of us have nailed the words thing. So we really didn’t need to add to this process by having our eye holes leak a salty fluid to show that we’re sad.

Or happy.

It isn’t always clear what our leaky vision ports are trying to accomplish.

It’s a little weird that we do all of the above and yet we’re the pinnacle of evolution on Earth. But I guess every species has its quirks. Wombats poop in cubes, octopuses sometimes punch fish to take the edge off, and manatees hold in their farts for added buoyancy.

But they don’t have to put on pants or use Zoom.

Come to the Dark Side…

Join my merry band of Wilding Out Weirdos. Don’t be scared, we only bite on Tuesdays.

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Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.