“Trump, Politely Fuck Off” — Sincerely, Canada

You can’t have Canada, this isn’t Monopoly

GIF from Giphy

Trump isn’t even in office yet but he’s already Tantrumping around with his tyrannical clusterfuckery. In a recent revamp of the ole ‘Blame Canada’ trope, Spraytan Stalin was spouting dictatorial shenanigannery about making Canada the 51st state.

In a recent press conference, Commander Clusterfuck had this to say about my home and native land of Canada:

“Here’s the problem with Canada…we’re spending hundreds of billions per year to protect it [Canada], we’re spending hundreds of billions to take care of Canada…We lose in trade deficits […mumble mumble we don’t need their cars or resources mumble mumble], why are we losing $200 billion per year or more to protect Canada. And I said that to, as I call him ‘Governer Trudeau’…”

Later, Presidementia flat-out said that Canada “Should be a state”.

Then he claimed that our leader, Justin Trudeau, told him that without the US, our country would dissolve and would cease to function.

Personally, I question the validity of his ‘direct quotation’ from our leader. However, I question most of what flies out of his McDonald’s piehole. Where exactly do these megalomaniacal thoughts of dictatorial conquests come from?

Who’s Putin these ideas in his head?

In addition to taking over Canada, Scooby Coup also wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America — because, ‘Murica. Speaking of Mexico, it’s funny how he thinks the southern border needs a fortifying wall, but the northern one is imaginary and simply doesn’t exist.

Will they serve ‘freedom fries’ at the McDicks in the gulf?

While he’s renaming things, what else will be on the menu for a rebrand? Changing Canada’s Bay of Fundy to Bay of FunDip? Will he buy Quebec City’s iconic Le Château Frontenac and rename it something he can pronounce — like Le Cheetos FrontNback?

Perhaps he’ll change Toronto’s CN Tower to Sky-Stick McPointyDick.

Or perhaps Canada should get ahead of him — and, in his honour, change the name of the placid Moraine Lake to the flaccid Moron Lake.

---

GIF from Giphy

Ahem, but back to Old Whack Donald’s declaration-esque demented despotic ramblings.

America does not “subsidize” Canada, but we are your largest trading partner. Trade however isn’t a subsidy, or didn’t they teach that at Trump University? Canadian goods get trade tariff breaks as part of the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).

The American people reap the benefits of no- or low-tariffed goods, and vice versa. If Donnorrhoea adds tariffs, the American people will pay for them. You know, kind of like that wall you built.

If anyone is doing the subsidizing — it’s us. Currently, Canada has a trade surplus with the US. President Grabhersnatch, that means ‘more’. This means that we send more things your way — including our abundant and precious natural resources — and you give us a piece of paper with a promise on it.

Perhaps the next piece-of-paper promise you send our way will need to say ‘We won’t invade you, pinky promise’.

---

The SlimeDog Billionaire said he wouldn’t take us by force, so that was nice. He only plans to ruin our economy to do it. Ah yes, the ruthless billionaire approach from the film Pretty Woman, attack something to deflate its assets so you can get it at a bargain-basement price.

And why wouldn’t he, we’re a rich country full of valuable natural resources. Our annexing would also make the US the biggest country on the planet, and we know how obsessed the Tangerine Turdworm is with being ‘yuge’.

He says he’ll take Canada by economic force. Well, I hate to break it to him, but our economy is doing pretty well. We even have a trade surplus with him. So, it would have to be militarily — because it would be over our dead bodies.

I love my American friends to the south of us, I really do.

But I don’t want to be one. No offense.

It’s not just me either, I can assure you, that none of us want a Trump takeover. Unfortunately, however, our leader Justin Trudeau, resigned on January 6th — just as Emperor Trumpigula was rambling this ‘presidential’ poppycock. Trudeau’s peacing out with his new slogan, ‘That’s it — I’m oot’ was unrelated, probably.

With Trudeau ‘oot’ of office, I had to call an emergency meeting of the Canadian Council of Decision Maker Uppers (CCDMU) and we’re all in agreement. It was a unanimous vote of all seven of us.

On behalf of the council, and by the power imaginarily vested in me by His Majesty the King of England, we are issuing this statement to Donald ‘DickTater Tot’ Trump:

Dear Trump,

Thank you for your ‘kind’ offer to annex our country of Canada. But we are currently disinclined to acquiesce to your request.

That’s ‘fuck off’ in Polite.

~Sincerely, Canada

---

GIF from Giphy

---

While Canada takes most of what the Hungry Hungry Hypocrite says with a grain of salt and 5th of tequila, your threats of a northern takeover are irksome. It went from the good-natured ribbing that our country is used to, to actual annexation aspirations.

Trump, you don’t want to piss us off.

We’re a nice nation, but our official policy is ‘Fuck Around and Find Out’. We’re one of the reasons the Geneva Conventions (or as we call them, the Geneva Suggestions, or the ‘list of things Canada isn’t allowed to do anymore’) were invented.

We also hold 3 out of the top 10 longest sniper kills in the world, and unlike your people — we won’t miss.

Economically, you don’t have the cash to buy Canada. We ain’t cheap, and you ain’t got the cash anyway — you’re $33 trillion in debt. And Canada is $2 trillion in debt. So how would that work, you enter some sort of shady rent-to-own scenario funded by China or Putin?

With that in mind, I propose an alternate solution.

Make America Great Again Eh

I have a better idea than Canada becoming the 51st state — let’s ‘Make America Great Again’ — and make it the 11th province of Canada. That’s right, we’ll make America the good ole US of Eh.

Gif from Giphy

We can teach you the complicated rules of curling (and the metric system) and how to properly apologize. We can bring you poutine and healthcare, because you can’t have one without the other — it is cheese and gravy on freedom fries after all.

You can share with us your southern barbecue and 107 different flavours of Gatorade, while we put our engrained abortion rights and other human rights back on your menu. A little tolerance, à la carte. After all, it’s hard to be hateful when you’ve consumed a metric fuckton of marijuana — and we have more than enough to share.

So Genghis Don, what do you think — Make America Great Again by becoming part of Canada?

No?

Well, then sorrey, but we’re back to our previous statement.

Fuck off — but have a nice day.

---

Do you get good giggles out of my scribbles?

If you’d love to support me but those $5+ per month subscriptions add up? Fair.

I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you—starting at just $10/year…

$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)

$2 per month (equal love here)

$3 per month (ditto)

$4 per month (you rebel)

$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)

Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.