Today is The Rapture...Apparently

The rapture, the heathenesque afterparty and apocalyptic pranks

For those heathens who aren’t on TikTok’s RaptureTok, you might not even be aware that today, September 23rd, is the rapture. Well, some say it’s the 24th, some say it’s both. I guess it's hard to nail down the Christianpocalypse.

After a South African pastor announced the newest rapture date, some Christians have been Christianing, and preparing for the end times. Some are even selling their cars, and Facebook Marketplace has seen a surge in sales. Although I’m not sure of the point, are they bringing their bank account to heaven?

The elysian date has been set, and it’s happening September 23rd, and possibly the 24th. I suppose it’s last names A-M going first, then N-Z get rapturified one the second day. I suppose it’ll take them a while to fit all those peeps through the transcendant turnstiles.

My first thought was, ‘Tuesday?!’ Who schedules a rapture on a Tuesday? Do we still have to go to work on Monday? And if we do, do we get paid time and a half?

I’m not sure who’s happier about this all, the atheists, at the thought of the Christians being zapped off this mortal coil, or whichever of the 37 flavors of JesusPeeps that believe they’re about to be floated up to the pearly gates. It might be the latter, as they’re celebrating us heathens being left to burn pretty hard, because that’s what Jesus would do.

So far, I haven’t found any rapturites willing to leave me their house or bitcoin though. But if you’re reading this, for something to do while you wait around for the rapture, know that I received a religious telegram from Yahweh this morning, saying that all pre-rapture funds should be deposited directly into my kofi.

*I call dibs on Joel Osteen’s 15,700-square-foot, $14 million dollar mansion in Houston.

Details are being speculated about how best to be raptured-up. I pictured some sort of celestial Uber situation, but it looks like they’re going with a more beam-me-up-Scotty approach. They’re claiming that you need to be outside and not be touching anything that can tether you to earth — because you could be help back in Jesus’ plan by getting snagged on a lawn chair.

Perhaps you can help the rapture along by building yourself some sort of rapturian catapult.

If you’ll be sitting a Pabst while waiting to be teleported to Shangrila and unsure of what the sign will be when it begins, heavenly trumpets will signify that the rapture has begun. Personally, I would picture more of a Tesla ‘hovering’ sound. But they went with the smooth jazz of trumpets.

The next detail to sort out is what to wear. What does one wear to the end of times? Is it a business casual type affair, or are some sort of robes required? Will there be surge pricing on robes and Roman sandals? Will you be penalized for wearing holey jeans and Crocs?

Do you get rapturian bonus points for making a halo out of glowsticks?

Having been to church and seen the unwashed masses at the DMV, I hope it isn’t a birthday-suit type of event.

Heathen Afterparty

It’s rapture o’clock, but let’s face it, you’re a god-damned heretic. The Christians have officially ghosted us after getting sucked off to heaven. So, what are the rest of us to do? We mere mortals who are more likely to be beamed to Beelzebub than Jebus.

Well, after we’ve all changed our Facebook statuses to ‘Marked Safe from Religious Delusions’, I propose we have — a paganesque afterparty.

I’ll bring the deviled eggs to the potluck. You bring the devil’s food cupcakes. Someone needs to make up a vat of heathenaritas.

We’ll need someone with a large pool who is willing to host the afterlife affair at, you know, to keep the burning at bay. With the gates of hell open, we’ll be able to use that as one giant barbecue, so we’re also going to need some hot dogs (the devil enjoys all phallic-shaped foods) and s'mores.

Sadly, by Thursday, we’ll all need to get back to work.

Rapturian Prankapalooza

This rapture gives us infidels an incredible opportunities for some shits-n-giggles pranks. After all, any good apocalypse needs at least a few giggles, and since we’re the heathens in this scenario — it’s up to us to bring the fun.

Here are a few ideas to spice up the rapture:

• Everyone calls out of work and stay inside your house. The more hedenous you are, the better it is. It’ll leave the rapturites bewildered, ‘Dave got zapped up and I didn’t?! Dave!?! Summabitch.’

• If you own a trumpet…start playing their rapturiffic theme song.

• Lay out clothes and shoes in the shape of human bodies around your neighbourhood, making it look like they’ve all been zapped up to the heavens…naked.

• Fill up some old blow-up sex dolls with helium and float them into the stratosphere.

If the rapture does happen, I suppose I’ll be posting on here shortly, ‘Well, I’ll be damned.’

But if it does — I just hope they take Emperor Turdicus with them.

It’s the Rapture Anyway, Why Not Support This Writer On Your Way Out?

$1 per month ~ $2 per month ~ $3 per month ~ $4 per month ~ $5 per month

*I promise I’ll refund all donations made above if I am bequeathed Joel Osteen’s mansion.