The 50-Year Whiskey War's Lesson in Peace
And how the 50-year Whiskey War inspired peace
Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, there was a fierce territorial war raging on for over 50 years, in the Arctic. This epic five-decade battle was fought between Canada and Denmark, over a sub-zero speck of land, in a place nobody has heard of.
That speck is called Hans Island.
Hans and Gretel Island is just over one kilometer squared. It’s uninhabited, barren, and is in the high Arctic. Clearly, it’s a prized jewel worth breaking NATO alliances and declaring war for.
This tree-less, grass-less speck happens to be smack in the middle of the Kennedy Channel, a body of water between Greenland and Canada’s Ellesmere Island. It is exactly in the middle of the imaginary line (that’s what The Incontinental Divider, Humpty Trumpty calls them anyway) drawn between the two countries.
So, naturally, we spent 50 years fighting over it.
If you’re asking yourself, “Err…why?” The same reason anyone fights over any land. Because each side feels they have a claim to it (even if neither has anything particular they even want to do with it).
“The Canadian claim to the island arose from the 1880 purchase of Hudson’s Bay Company land to Canadian Government territory. The Danish argument was that Hans Island was vital to their indigenous populations for fishing, creating an integral part of the nearby Greenlandic area.” Wikipedia.
All over a rock with nothing on it.
Enter, The Whiskey War
In 1973, Canada and Denmark signed an agreement at the UN to mark the official line between Nunavut and Greenland in the middle of the Kennedy Channel. They disagreed, however, on Hans Island, and quibbled occasionally about it’s ownership.
The epic battle of stubborn wills began the year after I was born, in 1984. That was when Canada threw down the first gauntlet.
We like to say in Canada that we’ve never started a war (nor do we lose them). But we did, in fact, start this one. We threw the first proverbial punch, na-na na-na boo-boo style at Denmark.
In 1984, Canadian soldiers who were visiting Hans Island planted a Canadian flag and left behind a bottle of Canadian whiskey. The flag was a territorial claim to the island; the whiskey was for the Danish to drown their sorrows in, over losing this island that nobody really gives a flying fuck about.
Later that same year, the Danish Minister of Greenland Affairs visited the island and replaced the maple-leafed flag with the flag of Denmark. He also left a message for the Canucks that said, “Velkommen til den danske ø” — translated as “Welcome to the Danish Island” with a ø, because they call the island “Hans Ø” (although it’s Tartupaluk in Inuktitut and Greenlandic).
He also left a bottle of Danish alcohol, snaps.
And the war had begun.
The two countries would spend the next five decades continually replacing each other’s flag (and booze) in a battle that was less of a bloody war and more of a drunken dust-up.
In 2005, Denmark upped the ante by erecting a thicker, more solid flag pole. But not to be outdone by their massive erect pole, Canada left behind a stone inukshuk.
Inukshuks are landmarks made of stone used by the Inuit as navigational aids, or warning markers. Assumedly, Canada wanted the Danish to be able to find their way home, after this strong warning about being kicked off the island.
The End of an Era — With an Important Lesson
In 2022, the 50-year dispute between nations was finally resolved, and the longest war in modern history was settled. The two nations amicably drew a line down the middle of the almost non-existent island. Each nation got about a half of a square kilometre.
The peace agreement wasn’t installed because both countries were wasting money on flag, gas, and booze in this ‘war’ though (although they were).
It was because Russia had invaded Ukraine.
Denmark and Canada, drew up a peaceful agreement, as a symbolic gesture — to demonstrate how land disputes can be solved cogently. Peacefully.
Leaders from each country signed the agreement, and at the meeting, Canada’s Mélanie Joly imparted this nugget of wisdom:
“What we’re saying to President Putin today is that we have the best way to settle disputes.
You don’t redraw boundaries through the barrel of a gun.”
At that meeting, Joly also stressed the importance that, “We cannot fall into the trap of militarizing the Arctic. This is important for Canadians and for the world.” She’s right. Geopolitical tensions have been building in the Arctic, and that’s a type of cold war that nobody wants.
Perhaps I clickbaited the title a little, and this wasn’t an ‘epic war’ of any magnitude. But it is one of the funniest wars in history. Well, this one and Australia’s Emu War — where they fought the emus, and lost. Twice.
What this funny war is though — is a lesson. A lesson in diplomacy, and a lesson in how to be a good neighbour.
The most polite war in history,
was fought with a jar of whiskey,
no shots fired,
just shots drunk.
A Fun Side Effect
Neither country ‘won’ this war, but both countries won something special. By splitting the island down the middle, Canada and Denmark now share a border. Previously, Denmark only shared a land border with Germany, and Canada only shared one with America.
Both sides — got a new neighbour. Amicable ones.
But Canada, oh Canada, we got something extra special. We got a land border with a European country. I’m not sure of the precise legalities around this — but I think this means we have an ‘in’ at the European Union.
So, Denmark…can we pack our North American bags and come live with you? Things are a bit dicey with our other neighbour at the moment.
Don’t worry Denmark, we’re cool. Unlike our megalomaniacal neighbour, we believe…
In whiskey, not war.
Buy This Canuck a Shot of Whiskey
I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…
$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)
$2 per month (equal love here)
$3 per month (ditto)
$4 per month (you rebel)
$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
Every war should be like this one. :D
The shot drunk around the world!
Awesome but don’t let Donald know that Canada and Denmark were holding hands. 🇩🇰🇨🇦🧑🤝🧑👍🏻