RoboCock: Will AI Vibrators Be The Next Big Thing?
Futuristic, intelligent robo-dong to bring hand-to-gland combat to the next level
Before we get to the RoboCock…
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Ok, onto the cybercocks…
Bluetooth eat your [heart] out — the next big thing in panty hamster entertainment has arrived, AI. Artificial intelligence will be the biggest new trend shaking up the shimmying-severed-penis market. And the market, and our clams, are quivering in anticipation for it.
Does this exist yet? No. Well, maybe. Am I making this up? Yes, clearly. Should a vibrator company hire me? Absofuckinlutely. Why? I know what we ladies are looking for. And it’s an algorithm for our cooters.
When it comes to doing the one-handed hanky panky, we’re supposed to know what we like. And we do, sometimes. Much like with sex itself, with masturbation we can inadvertently get ourselves stuck in a bean-flicking rut. We keep repeating the same bedroom party tricks, not knowing what else is out there. Maybe there’s a shimmy-shimmy-shake-shake we’d like better.
We need our vibrators to know us as well as our algorithms do.
Google, Netflix, YouTube and TikTok all know what we like. Our vibrators should too. They should be algorithm-based and learn as they go. You know, like the men that real penises are attached to do.
Mark my words, AI vibrators will be the latest thing in cüm couture.
The Notorious V.A.G Gets an Assist(ant)
AI vibrators would be like a personal assistant for our pink truffle if you will. But instead of ‘Hey Alexa’ it would be ‘Hey Alex’. Alex will of course be voice-activated. Our hands are busy.
“Hey Alex, do that thing you did last Thursday.’
AI vibes will learn from sensor-based feedback. The more your vagina contracts, clamps, shakes, moistens and quivers — the more data it learns about what you like. On top of learning just from your vagina, the AI will be internet-connected, to use larger bearded-clam data pools for learning.
These tech-savvy tuna torpedos will also listen to voice-based feedback, and voice commands, like “Alex, don’t stop!” They’ll be able to talk too. Mine will have an Aussie accent, because *swoon*. But you can customize and train yours how you like, “Alex, talk dirty to me in French”. Ooh la la — think of the language-learning possibilities!
My Alex will learn the rhythms I like, probably while calling me a sexy bitch, or good girl.
If you’re thinking, ‘Wouldn’t Alex’s voice get muffled by the muff?’ I’ve gotchu boo boo — the speaker will be at the end of the base.
Gone will be the days of adjusting the buttons from setting four, then three, then seven.
Alex will know exactly what you like, anticipate moves and come up with new ones to keep your dittle-the-skittle time fresh and spicy.
No more procrasturbating ladies, you’ll be gasm spasming in record time. You’ll save so much time you’ll be able to do it thrice. But be warned, this thing will leave you both cross-eyed and walking funny.
Would You Like a ‘Man’ Attached To That AI Dick?
While a talking, vibrating severed penis might sound a little out of this world, AI is a new dawn. They’re already coming up with AI-empowered male sex robots, which brings a whole new meaning to the term Battery-Operated Boyfriend.
Realbotix, the sister company to RealDoll (that’s the doll maker of comedian Whitney Cummings’ sex robot), is finally coming out with something for the sisters. Although I have a suspicion it may see greater success in the gay market.
Realbotix’s upcoming male sex doll is called Henry. He’s British.
As The Daily Mail reported, “He’s 6ft tall with a rippling six-pack, brooding dark looks and speaks only when spoken to.” He can also tell jokes and recite poetry. The company plans to equip him with a bionic penis, that they claim can outperform vibrators. And yes, you get to pick the size of its tickle pickle, I’m hoping using some sort of ‘just say when…’ approach.
As for whether it will outperform vibrators…I’ll be the judge of that, hopefully.
In reality, I probably won’t. Henry will cost between $10,000 to $14,000, depending on the bells and whistles, including the balls and pickles. So sadly, most of us won’t be able to afford a Henry, not that we would all want a full sex robot. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have to look it in the eye after the things I’d make it do to me.
So for the rest of us, there are simply AI-infused vibrators. Or as I call them, the Attitude Adjuster 3000s.
AI vibrators are certainly the bigger market, since over 50% of women, and 45% of men, have used a downstairs ‘selfie’ stick. Their popularity has certainly increased over the years, from the hush-hush secrecy of the Magic Wand ‘neck massager’ in the 70s to the increasing buzz of the rabbit vibes of the 80s and 90s. I still remember when Samantha broke the airwaves when she tried to return her vibrator on Sex and the City (and then got Charlotte addicted to one). Now the majority of women have at least one in their drawer.
Their evolution not just into the cultural buzzeitgeist but technologically speaking has been moderately impressive. Changing from plug-in to battery-operated to the more eco-friendly rechargeable. Then by adding technology like Bluetooth, remote controls and even the ability to synchronize to music.
Next stop, AI.
The sky is the limit; the world is your pink oyster.
Before we know it we’ll be getting off to Aussie-voiced, learning vibrators that connect to the cloud to learn new and exciting ways to buff the muff. Soon, Alex will be saying things like, “Oh you like that? I learned it from your bestie, Jenny.” I’m assuming the closer in proximity the different units are to one another, the more they’ll sync up. So when it comes to our besties, our orgasms will be as synced up as our periods.
If you’re a man reading this thinking, damn — that’s not only a lot of competition, but where’s ours? Don’t worry, the AI revolution will be coming to the pocket pussies too. No longer will you need to manually squeeze out those knuckle babies. And yes, you too will be able to be jacked off exactly how your bestie Steve likes it.
Now let’s just hope the Russians don’t hack them like they did the wifi-enabled hot tubs.
Does It Exist?
Oh, the research rabbit holes I fall into from writing. All jokes aside (for now), as it turns out — there actually is a ‘smart’ vibrator out there, the Lioness vibrator. You can see it in action on YouTube, in an age-restricted video that I can’t include here. It has body-heat and pelvic-floor sensors that measure your orgasms and chart them over time. You can then use it to increase your pleasure based on its digital feedback.
Lioness is already on Generation 2 of their drilldo. Their buzzcock 2.0 has upped the ante to over 30,000 climactic data points, and uses AI to offer custom-tailored tips. While it’s still pretty sweet, it does seem like it takes some work to benefit from as it doesn’t apply the ‘gasm knowledge itself. So it’s for super serious stimulation users looking to up their nerdy orgasm game.
But there’s another side to Lioness as well, users can opt-in to have their data used by sexual health researchers around the world. Researchers are using the data for things like groundbreaking pelvic floor research and other female health issues:
That’s right ladies, we need to masturbate for science — they need us (cumming).
Sadly, the Lioness doesn’t sync up with Jenny, or talk like Alex. And it doesn’t learn how to please us better using data from others in some sort of vibrator digital-data gangbang.
So I guess I’ll still have to continue designing my line of AI-infused Buzz Nightgears after all.
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Should not have opened this on a bus in a conservative area of my city lol
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