Orgasms Make Us Do Weird Things

And it’s not just the contorted faces we make…

*If you get a good giggle and want to throw a dollar at me, check out the options below

Porn, as per usual, lies to us. Men don’t cum like magnificent beasts, and women don’t look majestic when we flip our sexual lid. Both genders have faces that contort like we’re in the sexual Cirque du Soleil. It’s awkward at best, feral at worst.

But ‘O faces’ are only the tip of the orgasmic iceberg.

Humans do weirder things than that when we have a fungasm.

There are fairly normal and common reactions that people have after a sexplosion, like getting flushed, leg quivering, fatigue, and hunger. But, for some, it triggers some much weirder reactions.

Me, I’m ‘some’.

I break out into uncontrollable giggling. I have a shit-eating grin on my face (that I normally hide with a pillow at that point) and just start laughing hysterically. A roflgasm, if you will. It only happens rarely, and it isn’t even necessarily linked to the intensity of the orgasm. Although it’s never happened after shitty sex, and I’ve never lolsterbated.

In French, orgasms are called ‘la petite mort’, or ‘little death’. What a poetic bunch of fuckers the French are.

It isn’t just my weird ass that has weird post-orgasm effects either.

I dated one guy who would almost always, without fail, get a big leg cramp after he came. I felt bad for the poor dude, but we tried different positions and nothing helped. That’s just his lot in life when he gets a load off. In an admission of schadenfreude, I used to personally get a kick out of it. He’d try to ‘walk it off’, all limpy, and I’d crack jokes about me fucking him so hard it made him walk funny. But I suppose that wasn’t very cumsiderate of me.

There’s another dude from my past that I always regret not putting my hoebaggy moves on. Well, I’m kidding about the hoebaggy moves, I my be a hoebag but have no moves, and no ‘game’. But I do wish I’d hopped on that fuckportunity.

His name was Matt, and we worked at a tech sales company together. I sat across from him for a year, and barely a month into that, I found out he had dated one of my friends previously, Suzy. Suzy said that she came so hard from his muff snorkeling that she blacked out.

I still regret not making a move on muff-magical Matt. I missed my opportunity to become cumatose.

Another odd orgasmic example comes from one of my besties from back in the day. She was a bit of a hoebag (but weren’t most of us back then?) and had more sex than a rabbit on ecstasy. When she had a particularly spectacular spontaneous cumbustion, her eye would start to twitch.

She swore she could rate the orgasm based on how many twitches per minute her eye got. I don’t know if that was true, but it was funny at least. Even funnier to picture the dudes, wondering why she was winking at them.

People are weird. Wonderful, but weird.

I never knew why I have a gigglegasm sometimes, until just now. I just assumed that the human body is as fucked up as I am, I guess.

But, as it turns out, it’s a scientificky thing.

And I only learned that while researching this article, when I found a study with a title that spoke to me on an orgasmic level: “Did You Climax or Are You Just Laughing at Me?”. In that study, they looked at rare peri-orgasmic phenomena, like uncontrollable laughter. Or as I call it, gigglefucks.

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Another peri-orgasmic phenomenon (POP) is headaches. Roughly 1 in 100 people get a piercing headache from an orgasm, which — blows. Those poor fuckers. For many, a love ‘splosion can relieve headaches, as it functions as nature’s ibuprofen. So technically, the ‘Not tonight, hunny, I have a headache’ line should be used to initiate coitus.

That’s me, I do that. I use orgasms as natural pain relief…albeit it’s rarely with a partner.

Some people hallucinate when they orgasm.

Sexual hallucinations occur more in women than men, at a ratio of 1.4 to 1. Lucky us, I guess? Thankfully, these aren’t too common, and most commonly occur in those with pre-existing conditions like schizophrenia and epilepsy, those who experience the incubus phenomenon, and in people who take sedatives. Hmm, I wonder if they envision themselves turning into a Cumosaurus Rex.

Others may have a post-nut sneezegasm. Not me though, after sex, I’m more Dopey than Sneezy. I’m more of a snoregasm kind of gal.

Another POP from the study that I found odd was foot stuff. Not sexual foot stuff, you foot-fucking pervert, just foot sensations post orgasm. Some people can get a pain in their foot — while others can experience orgasmic tingling in it, after they’ve cum brulée’d.

We’ve come to possibly my favorite on this list, the inability to speak. Some, after having a hole-in-two party, lose their ability to speak, as in make sounds, it’s called aphonia. Others can get aphasia, an inability to speak understandably and understand what your partner is saying.

It wasn’t on the POP list, but I bet there’s someone out there who, after a spasmgasm, starts speaking in tongues. This is not the proper use of tongues in sexual situations. If that happened to someone I slept with — I’d be out like saurkraut. Quickly.

Other POPs described in the gigglefucks study above include: cataplexy (weakness), crying, dysorgasmia, dysphoria, facial and/or ear pain, pruritus, panic attack, post-orgasm illness syndrome, and seizures.

If you can’t breathe after busting a nut, would that make you orgasthmatic?

Humans are a weird bunch of feral fuckers in normal circumstances, but post clitty slicker, we really throw the rulebook out the window. Anyhoozy, you’re welcome for this information that I came across. I now know it, so you had to, too.

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