My Friend Manifested Herself a Boat

And she did it in record time

*Hey peeps, I’m all settled into Maine after a crazy long day. I didn’t finish the piece I was writing but figured it was a great time to revive this piece I posted when I first joined Substack. It’s one of my fav’s and I only had 41 subscribers at the time it went out (and I’m pretty sure at least 20 of those were my friends).

So my apologies for the repeat for the 21 people who saw this on its original run over a year ago. But I think this piece is hilarious and wanted more of you to read it.

I’ll be back with new original work for my next post, I pinky swear :)

Image by diana.grytsku on Freepik

I had this friend years ago; we’ll call her Trashley. Yes, ‘years’ is my old-arsed code for decades ago. She was wild. She was into all the girl voodoo, including crystals, astrology, and manifesting. One day, she said she was going to manifest herself a boat.

The crazy thing is, she did.

She clearly had big-boat energy. A month after her manifestation began, she was on a boat. A big one. I think rich people call them yachts.

She somehow also manifested my ass onto that boat, which at the time, I thought was pretty impressive. That boat came with unlimited free champagne. We sunbathed on the lido deck for hours and drank champagne until we were shitting caviar.

How to Manifest a Boat

You might be wondering by now how Trashley cosmically conjured up a schooner. The steps are easier than you think:

1. She put a Ferretti 780 on her vision board.

2. She started journaling about her deep desires for the open ocean.

3. She set herself up for said yacht life by buying an expensive new bikini, a bikini she did end up wearing on the boat. It was surprisingly expensive for three tiny triangles, but you have to live in abundance to receive it.

4. She included boating terms in her positive affirmations. ‘Create the cut of your own jib,’ and ‘I can control my happiness…and groundswells’. She even channeled her inner Zoolander, positively affirming “Moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty".

5. For her final manifestation step, she talked about boats openly to everyone who listened.

One such listener was Yannis Graburassopoulos (*name changed due to the NDA he had us sign). Trashley had manifested him and his sexagenarian entourage of yacht collectors.

The Realities of Boat Manifestation

The octuplet group of sexagenarians invited us and a couple of friends onto their boat. Being dumb 24-year-olds, our hineys boarded their boat, and we followed them into the abyss. I can feel every parent’s butthole puckering.

Image by cookie_studio on Freepik

They showered us in champagne and talked about…well, I don’t remember. It was some business nonsense like how to ‘holistically disseminate resource-maximizing benefits’ or ‘monotonectally mesh functional scrums’.

They also assuredly watched our assorted body parts bob and weave with the waves. Not that you could notice the ocean action; their boat was huge. But that was the job of the boat manifesters. It’s even in the name B.O.A.TS — Bring Out Ass & Titties.

We had fun that day. So I’m not mad about Trashley manifesting a boat with her big ole tiddies. It made for a fun story of my misspent youth in days that are long past. Manifesting ocean vessels is a young girl’s game. I don’t envision that our now 40-year-old keesters could so easily materialize yachts.

So here’s the point where I’m supposed to wrap this affair up with some deep metaphysical life lesson. OK, the lesson here is — be careful what you wish for. And if you believe in manifesting destiny, be specific.

Otherwise, you’ll just get groped on a boat.