Let Your Red Freak Flag Fly on the New Dating App — Unhinged

A dating app focused on connecting red flags with their quirky soul mates and cellmates.

As with all dating apps, our cover models will definitely not be on the site. Image by haritanita on Freepik

Gentlemen, are you looking for that perfect nutbar woman who will burn your clothes in your car a la Waiting To Exhale style? Ladies, are you secretly pining for a man with not one but two secret families in Utah?

Wait no further, welcome to — Unhinged.

Have you run out of new matches on the traditional sites because instead of talking to them like a normal person, you collect them like human Pokemon cards? Or perhaps you’ve been kicked off of Bumble, JDate, and even Tinder for being off-kilter. Well then, Unhinged is for you — because, let’s face it, appealing a boot from Tinder is a humbling moment in all our lives.

Have you been on the same app for so many years that you’ve seen the same people rotate in and out? “Aww, look, Kai is back.” You’ve been swiping so long that you remember their names and watch their profiles for signs of growth. “Aww, Jordan, you’ve finally switched from ‘hookups only’ to ‘ready to settle down’.” Good for you, Jordan. Good for you.

If you’ve run out of options and have been relegated to using Uber and Grubhub as a Russian roulette a la carte dating — it’s time. You’ve run through the best, and the rest, time to try the messed. Let’s face it: it’s this or trolling prison pen pal programs.

Here at Unhinged, you can let your freak flag fly because we’re all about finding the right level of crazy for you. So, let’s chum the waters with your red flags.

We’re all just human broken shards of glass, looking for someone with the right jigsaw of jagged bits.

Dating apps are the relationship equivalent of The Hurt Locker, you’re just snaking through a field of unexploded ordnances. Here at Unhinged, we plant red flags on each human landmine so that you can at least see it coming.

Setting Your Crazy Dial

At Unhinged, we believe in offering a highly customizable dating experience, and we’ve pulled out all the stops with our fanatical features. To help you sort through the freak flags and red flags to find your particular brand of crazy in love, we’ve added an array of bizarre benefits.

Let’s kick off the kooky with our trademarked ‘flag filter’. Our Flag Filter™ lets you sort by categories such as tattoos, piercings, parole status, Scorpios, drugs, superfluous appendages, and furries. You can also search by language. Our most popular include Esperanto, cursing, Klingon, and sarcasm.

We also offer hobby matching. Why do dating apps ask for your interests and then not make them searchable? On Unhinged, you can sort your potential suitors and upcoming restraining orders by the hobbies you share, like pyromania or reptile taxidermy.

Nobody wants to match with someone only to find out that the septuagenarian bird-watching warlock wizard they fell in love with is three states away and on house arrest. So we’ve taken a queue from Grindr and set our geolocation to the foot because who’s got time to seek out the crazy? Sometimes, you need to know the craziest people in your immediate vicinity and can’t wait for them to light something on fire and send a smoke signal.

We have an entire (partitioned) section for Disney Adults. Image by haritanita on Freepik

Like Uber, Unhinged firmly believes in community feedback, which is why we offer verified user reviews. When you unmatch with your local Unhinged person, you get to leave a review for their next match! Did they want you to meet up at your local graveyard? Do they have yodeling tourettes? That could be someone’s green flag—exactly the details our Unhingers need to file away in their creepy rolodexes.

Are your fingers worn down to nubs from swiping?

Allow us to offer you our patented ‘Curation of Crazy’. Swiping is hard, we know. Don’t worry, we do a daily curation of crazy to help you find your literal partner in crime more easily. You’ll get all the top Unhinged people and their rap sheets in your inbox every day at 3 am.

Or perhaps you’d like to skip the swiping entirely and do some surreal speed dating. Well then, come to one of our live events. Have you ever wondered what happens when hundreds of truly unhinged people purposefully gather without going to Comic-Con? Well, welcome to the Unhinged live circus. Previous event happenings included an impromptu séance, a game of human Plinko, and hamster races.

If you aren’t able to make it to our mental meat meetups, consider our group chat feature. Most dating apps are one-on-one, but we know you want to see how their particular brand of crazy does in a group setting.

‘Sigh, but what about the typical dating app experience of ghosting?’

You can’t ghost Unhinged people. The only ghosting that happens on Unhinged is when you haunt their nightmares. There is no blocking the truly unhinged, and quite frankly, we have paltry data security. We’re realists; we know that crazy people will find you, no matter what. Their FBI-level scouring skills are so fine-tuned we don’t even include height filters—our users will use the height of a doorframe or background landmark to determine your altitude.

We also offer an array of premium options for our users. For just $65 a pop, we’ll run criminal background checks on your matches. For more moderately priced entertainment, ‘tazer’ tokens are available for $5. When you ‘taze’ somebody it freezes their app for 36 hours.

But wait, there’s more.

And just for our entertainment, not only do you match with someone when you both swipe right — but you also get matched if you both swipe left. Yes, we do just want to watch the world burn, and there’s no more entertaining connection than two people who both know the other person swiped left.

So, download Unhinged today to take your spin on the crazy wheel of fortune. But hurry, because the very near future of dating apps will be just AI bots in a perpetual loop of responding to and then ghosting each other.

If you’re wondering if I wrote this after an embarrassing third time reinstalling Hinge and Bumble…maybe. I’ve dubbed the experience — Humble.

Do you want to support me but those $5+ per month subscriptions add up? Fair. I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…

$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)

$2 per month (equal love here)

$3 per month (ditto)

$4 per month (you rebel)

$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)

Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.