Is Canada Just a Bizarro-World America?
The subtle differences between The US and Canada
Every time I go to the US, it feels like a bizarro world. It's like I’m in a Canadian parallel universe where things are the same but with slight but noticeable differences. It’s like they were coding The Matrix but got a few things wrong — cats say moo, there are blimps instead of airplanes, and milk is sold in bags.
I’ve spent some time hanging out in both countries, and honestly, if you were teleportedly zapped from one to the other, they’d feel pretty similar. Long desolate highways (or murder-inspiring traffic), chain-laden strip malls, and expansive national parks.
If you were zapped from Toronto to Seattle, you could easily mistake the CN Tower for the Space Needle on a hazy day.
These similarities are why many American TV shows and movies are filmed in Canada. Our countries look the same, but filming in Canada is cheaper due to tax breaks and a weaker dollar — making it ‘Hollywood North’.
Our countries are naturally similar, sharing familiar landscapes along our 8,891 km long border, the longest (unprotected) border on the planet. Some people call Canada ‘America’s hat’ due to our northern proximity. We’re right above them on the map, and it looks like Canada is playing big spoon to the US.
If this were a dick-measuring competition, America wins by a mile. Canada is technically bigger, but only geographically. We’re the second biggest country by landmass, and America is fourth. But America dwarfs us population-wise, having 10X the amount of us poutine-eaters (weird fact, Canada only has 4 people per square kilometer — making us the 9th least-populated country in the world).
Also, 90% of our population lives within 100 miles of the US border, so I guess technically we’re the ones with the chubby for them. Canada looks like we’re big-spooning America and are really excited about it. But America seems to like it since it clearly gave Florida a peninsular chubby.
You’re welcome for never being able to look at a map of Canada and America the same way again.
Major Differences
Not all differences between our two countries are subtle — some are gun-toting, hootenannying, rah-rah differences.
Like the majority of the planet, Canada uses the metric system. The US uses the confusing imperial system — and is one of only three countries to do so. Along with Myanmar and Liberia (the UK is officially metric, but unsurprisingly, dabbles in imperialism). American scientists and US drug lords decided that imperial is nonsense though and went metric.
Another massive difference is guns. Canada has about 12 million civilian boomsticks, so about 35 per 100 people, the majority being long guns for hunting. America has 393 million pew-pews, so about 120 blunderbusses per 100 people. America has significantly more firearm-related homicides, which makes sense if you understand basic math.
Politically we’re different. Canada is more moderate in general, and left-leaning. We elected Trudeau, a too-woke pretty boy — while the US is currently deciding if they want to re-elect 34-time felon, Cheeto Mussolini. Our politics are incredibly boring in juxtaposition to America’s reality TV-style elections.
We’re cooler than them. And not just because we’re a frigid bitch for half the year temperature-wise. Canada legalized gay marriage 10 years before the US, we nationally legalized weed before them, and our drinking age is 2–3 years younger. Oh, and we don’t play ping-pong with women’s reproductive rights; up here, they aren’t a political bargaining chip.
Another major difference is healthcare, where Canada has socialized medicine and a strongly held belief that healthcare is a human right. Although as someone who lives with a chronic illness and uses our healthcare system regularly — I can tell you, it has its problems. America leverages a for-profit system of privatized healthcare.
Subtle Differences
Here is where the bizarro world materializes, the subtle differences. There are cultural nuances that aren’t as immediately noticeable but will tingle your spidey senses if you were to teleport from one country to the other.
Canadians rank happier, in a survey that’s probably wildly problematic. Canada ranks as the 10th happiest, and America is 20th. Maybe it’s because we’re healthier and not worried about crippling medical debt. Perhaps it has something to do with having more relaxation time as Canada legally requires two weeks of paid vacation per year whereas the US has no legal minimum. Europe kicks our both our asses in vacay time though.
We also get paid maternity for anywhere from 15 to 61 weeks (depending on the government program you opt for). The US doesn’t have paid legal maternity leave. But then again, you probably need to work since childbirth can cost $18,000 on average.
Or maybe Canadian happiness is just due to the legal, and uber-prevalent, weed.
We’re wilder too. About 80% of Canada is uninhabited wilderness, which shouldn’t be shocking since 50% of the country is under permafrost. But global warming is going to turn us into a jacuzzi soon. America is only 18% wilderness and only has permafrost in Alaska. Side note, it’s weird that Alaska isn’t part of Canada.
America’s most iconic national animal is the regal bald eagle. Canada’s is the bumbling cornerstone creature, the beaver. To me, this describes our differences surprisingly well.
There’s a subtle difference I notice every time I teleport between Canada and the US — paper straws. In Canada, we have to use paper straws, something about trying to be eco-friendly. California also uses paper straws though. So, basically, we’re California. Either way, damned hippies.
Canada is more culturally diverse and has 23% higher immigration than the US. Weird factoid, Canada has only 4% black people. The US has more, at 12% of the population (but the reason for it isn’t exactly a point of national pride).
I personally think Canada’s money is prettier with its bright colours and landscapes. But our dollar is worth less than the greenback. America’s bills are green baseball cards with slave owners on them. Not that this matters much anymore as both countries are largely cashless.
Canadians live 6 years longer than Americans (albeit some sources say 3 years). This could be a side effect of considering healthcare a human right.
This is a really subtle difference, but Canadians are about an inch taller than Americans on average.
Canadians are also less religious. According to a Pew Research survey, “U.S. respondents (53%) are about twice as likely as Canadians (27%) to say that religion is very important.” Approximately 1/3 of Canadians are atheist compared to 1/5th of Americans. Maybe it’s the weed again?
We’re both ‘free’ countries, but with notable differences. Americans place high priority on ‘freedom of speech’ as it's their very first amendment. In Canada however, we have ‘freedom of expression’ which is free speech but with “reasonable limits”. It’s free speech, but you can’t be a dick about it.
For tips on how to tell an American from a Canadian, I wrote a piece previously about how to spot Canadian spies.
‘Hey Robin, err — you’re list seems a little skewed towards Canada eh?’
Yeah, that’s true. But it’s not as fun to point out how much bigger and cooler they are than us. America, arguably, has more innovation, more people, more Mountain Dew flavours, and an army that could crush us. So I take my shots where I can.
Canadians love to poke fun at America, it’s our cultural pastime. But we also like to make fun of ourselves. I guess we politely rib the US because we don’t consider it punching down, since at any moment they could perform a hostile manifest-destiny takeover with one arm tied behind their colonial back.
Or maybe it’s because we’re obsessed with the US. We act like a giggly schoolgirl whenever America mentions Canada, like it’s the quarterback acknowledging the flute-playing band geek. And I can say that — I was a flute-playing band geek.
In reality, both countries are cool, but Canada is colder.
If Canada is America's hat, America is definitely Canada's pants, as the Florida chubbo demonstrates. I'd rather live in the hat! The pants haven't been washed in 500 years, so they kinda stink.
"Weird factoid, Canada has only 4% black people." The way the media carries on during Black History Month and on Juneteenth, you would think there were more than that.
The biggest difference is that America's Blacks are primarily derived by familial lineage from slaves, whereas Canada's come from a portion of escaped slaves that came north via the Underground Railroad, plus a large amount of contemporary emigration from the Caribbean and Africa.