I’m Becoming a Financial Dominatrix

I knew being a bitch would pay off someday

Photo by Ronin on Pexels

I love writing, I do. But some days, phew, I get tired of pimping out my words for cash. Having people pay me for that thing I can do with my fingers. Also, being a word whore, a prompted prostitute isn’t the most lucrative career.

It’s time for a change.

And I’ve found my new side hustle baby — financial dominatrix, or ‘findom’. That’s right, there’s a job in the world of kink where you force submissive men to give you their money. Simply because you told them to. You make them your financial bitch.

My biggest worry is that I won’t be able to pull off the wild world of fiscal fiefdom. Am I too nice (I’m Canadian after all) to make some random rich dude my banking bitch? I can admit it, oftentimes — I’m so nice I’d make Negative Nancy change her name to Positive Patricia. So do I have it in me to get my bread-and-butter bitch on?

A good place to start is to look into what the pecuniary-prepotency game entails…

What in the Financial Fuckery is Findom?

Findom is a capitalistic masochistic kink. As Kinkopedia…*Ahem, Wikipedia puts it, “Financial domination (also known as findom) is a fetish lifestyle activity in which a submissive is required to give gifts or money to a dominant.”

While that explanation is pretty straightforward, I rarely look up a definition without seeing what Urban Dictionary has to say about it. Urban Dictionary just speaks my language.

“A financial dominatrix. In the olden days, these women earned their money and provided something for the submissive in return. Nowadays, it’s a get-rich-quick scheme used by hopeless 20-something loser brats who like to treat everyone like dirt because they’re generally trash.”

Yup. I knew they wouldn’t let me down.

I’m definitely not a ‘20-something’, but I am a 20-something with double the experience so that might make me overqualified for the gig. If there’s any term that properly describes me though it’s ‘generally trash’.

Qualifications aside, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how one becomes a dough-hoarding dominatrix.

Women (mainly) use sites like iFans, OnlyFans, and Loyalfans to find their moneygrubs. *Ahem, I mean money subs. These suppressed sellout subs are called moneyslaves, paypigs, moneypigs, cashcows, ATMs, and walletslaves. Don’t look at me — they picked these names.

Photo by Wettworker Official on Unsplash

I said it’s mainly women as I found in my research (oh the things I’ll do for writing), there isn’t a big market of women looking to be paypigs for men. Which is something I don’t think many of us will find shocking. There is however a market in the gay male space — so men, you’re not completely locked out of this lucrative side hustle.

There’s another type of money subs known as silent pigs. They are ones who sexually enjoy the shame of sending you money so much they’re too embarassed to talk (or just prefer it that way). So all I’d have to do is shut up? I can do that. Well, maybe. Or is it that they’re the ones shutting up?

The silent pig realm might not be up my kink alley since I talk a lot, and write even more. Is anybody looking for a sultry synonym seductress?

Alas, I have a lot to learn still in my process of becoming a finbitch. Including, how does the payment system work?

As it turns out much of it is done through Venmo. Because, of course it is. This is problematic for my Canadian ass, because un-fun fact — Venmo doesn’t work in Canada. Do pigs do PayPal?

It turns out, no. PayPal is against being used to pay for sex work. Pfft, finprudes.

There’s always crypto, which I just feel like would be something findom guys would be into (CuckCoin?). Apart from that, part of the tender tyranny world is them buying you gifts too. I can work with that.

My new finbitch job also includes making financial decisions for them. My pay pig will definitely be joining a bacon-of-the-month club. Oh, and one of those hipster typewriters to match my mustache. And I’ll make him buy an ultra-exotic pickle for me to send to my friend Victor Cardenas (known pickle-hater), because I’m sure it’s embarassing to send other men pickles.

Did I just invent a new subgenre kink of findom with my finbitch pickle cuck crossover?

The Finances of Findom

According to findominatrix Valentina, this career can be a lucrative one. She knows models who makes over $35,000 a month with their bitchy side hustle. Albeit the average is lower, as usual:

“The average Financial Dominatrix is making $5000 per month. This amount is based on working consistently 80–100 hours per month and having a large library of pictures and video content. It takes just one or two whales 🐳 to find you and start spending on you like crazy.””

Wait, whales? I thought they were pigs. I guess the size of your wallet can upgrade you from pig to whale.

Photo by Pars Sahin on Unsplash

She also knows some wannabe finbitches (that’s me) who make nothing from it. Which is apparently what happens when you beg for money. The key to the career is to act like you don’t need it. Piggybanks want to fund lavish and glamorous lifestyles.

There are a lot of rules to being a finshrew. To market yourself, Valentina recommends filling your slutty socials with phrases like “Morning losers, I’m excited for a day of wallet-draining” and “I’m off to get a pedicure done. Which good foot bitch is picking up the tab?”

Other rules include things you’re not supposed to say, like “thank you”. Even though my inner Canadian is cringing at that, I suppose that’s too polite for the piggies. Instead, you’re supposed to say “good boy” or “nice work piggy”.

Can I at least say “sorry”? That’s a Canadian non-negotiable.

There are other finfloozy specifics too, like levying the cum tax. Valentina described that one pretty flacidly:

“A big thing in Findom is charging “cum tax” when one of your guys cums. This is usually a $20+ fee that you can demand they pay you because they’ve had the luxury of cumming for you. There is also a loser tax, stroking tax and small dick tax.”

I clearly still have a lot to learn in my finspirational new career if I’m going to make bank from cashcucks.

The world of dollar dictatorship seems fairly complex. Perhaps I’ll need to hire one of the many findom coaches out there. After all, giving them money to learn how to make other people give you money sounds legit.

Anyhoo — wish me luck! May my piggies be fruitful and my bacon plenty.

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