I Need More Timey-Wimey Hours in my Day
Something goes here…
Before I get started with my silly ranty brain vomit, I just wanted to make a quick note about something I’ve got going on. Later today, I’m going to test out Substack’s new(ish) LIVE feature with my writer-brother-from-another-mother
Jason Provencio
. Tune in today at 6 pm EST to catch us live.
It’s my first one, so I hope that you get a notification when it happens—and I hope it goes well. I also hope dumb shiznit doesn’t fly out of my mouth accidentally. Or maybe I do.
While I’ve got you here, someone pointed out that they didn’t know that I had subscriptions for as little as $10/year. I get it, I go blind to ‘call to actions’ too. So if you’ve wanted to support my demented ramblings but those $5 subscriptions add up, check the options at the bottom of this post.
Anyhoo, on to my silly story…
I was scrolling through TV channels, clicking through inane reality shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and The Real Housewives of Compton — and it hit me. What I really needed is an ultra reality show. Uber real, not highly-edited clips of rich (or broke) people’s shenanigans.
I want one that shows me how a moderately functional adult gets through life.
As hard as I try, I’m consistently behind on life. Either I’m doing something wrong, my day has fewer hours than others — or my life gets more lifey than theirs. But the problem is, we don’t have a yardstick to measure our productivity against others.
That’s why I want the world’s most boring reality show. Something to turn on in the background and set my life’s pace to.
But it has to be real. Like, really real. I’m talking booger-picking real.
I want to see a hot mess of a human, just humaning.
I’d be able to see how much screen time is normal. And what weird things I’d never admit to are normal. Like is throwing out a cake because you don’t want to eat it all, but then picking it out of the trash because ‘it was still covered in there, and only in there for 5 minutes’ normal? Asking for a friend, probably.
Oh, and I never feel like more of a failure at adulting than in tax season.
Do other people do things that I do, like pre-waiting for appointments? You know, that time before a doctor’s appointment or Zoom where you just sit there waiting for the time to start. Are other people really fitting in work in the 15 minutes free they have between appointments?
Other, ‘normal’, people have hobbies. But I’m not even done with my work for the day, I just finished making dinner and doing the dishes—and still need to finish a load of laundry. Then I need to crawl into a ball for an hour before I start getting ready for bed and setting my to-do list for tomorrow.
To-do lists are bullshit. Helpful bullshit, but still bunkum hogwash.
I write ‘make to-do list’ at the top of my list, just so I’m positive I’ll have something to cross off. And I never seem to get everything crossed off. The never-ending list taunts me as it rolls over to the next day.
And then the day after that.
Before I know it I’m still working on Tuesday's list on Friday, and throwing my jumbled laundry into the machine without sorting colors because who has time for that shiznit?
Meanwhile, there are people out there making their own pickles.
On the ‘reality’ tv shows people are learning how to turn an old tire into a Michelin-star class meal, but I’m freezing pasta I made yesterday so I don’t have to cook a meal next Tuesday.
Of course, many of those ‘reality’ people have chefs and trainers and assistants. Something we poverty plebs will never have.
‘Robin, maybe you should try getting an AI assistant’
Why? It can’t even make a to-do list for me, because I don’t even know all the things I’m missing doing, because I’m still working on my to-do list from December 27th. It certainly can’t check off most of them for me, like
And it can’t help me with the ‘life getting lifey’ things — like this morning when I had to clean my dog’s barf off the carpet. Or when the same dog slept upside down on top of the vacuum hose in a Superman position, and I laughed so hard I snorted and pee’d my pants just a little.
None of the ladies on reality TV ever seem to laugh hard enough that their lady bits let out a dribble. But we all know it happens. If you’re over 40 and sneeze too hard, you gotta go change your panties. Which is hard to do because that sneeze also threw your back out.
‘I’m a woman over 40 and haven’t pee’d my pants’
That’s adorable. You will.
AI assistants are bullshit at actually saving you time in the day. You can’t even tell it to order you more panties because you just tossed yours in the garbage because you refuse to do more laundry.
‘AI assistance can generate your content for you though?’
How dare you.
It can’t replace my sarcastic ass. Not even the ones programmed to speak like a drag queen can create my specific brand of off-the-cuff nincompoopery. Plus, who wants to have AI create our art so that we can have more time to focus on laundry?
What I need is Rosey the freaking Robot.
That robotic bitch got shit done with sass and class.
Sigh, alas — Rosey isn’t on the digital horizon anytime soon. So back to the really-real reality TV show. I just want to see how other people get all their shit done and still have time for hobbies. It would also serve as a reminder to do all those things that I forget to put on my list — like changing my furnace filter when the seasons change. So I don’t pull it out and it looks like Chewbacca got stuck in it.
Neurospicy people might be onto something with ‘body doubling’.
Autistics and ADHDers use the productivity hack of body doubling, by having someone else present with them to trick themselves into focusing. Even if it’s just having someone open in a video chat window. Perhaps that’s what I need — a normie who is only partially a hot mess (but that gets shit done), to follow along with.
Or maybe I just need to get bitten by a vampire. Those fanged mofos seem to have the right idea, staying up all night and living off the energy of others. Although with my luck I’d be bitten by a zombie and just end up groaning and meandering all day.
Oh wait, I already do that.
At least zombies don’t have to-do lists.
Do you want to support me but those $5+ per month subscriptions add up?
I’d absolutely love your support at any level that’s comfortable for you…
$1 per month (would picking the lowest option make you cheap? Nope, I’d love you)
$2 per month (equal love here)
$3 per month (ditto)
$4 per month (you rebel)
$5 per month (full price because I’d be dumb not to include it)
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
I have those unfinished, unaccomplished to do lists, too. I'll find a list from a year ago, and shit - I never did mulch the flower bed! Sigh. Maybe all of these people who claim to be on top of their tasks are just chronic liars who cram shit into closets and under the beds, like I never did as a child.
My AI keeps adding things I never even mentioned to my to-do list. Pelvic floor exercises, buy anti-aging creams, schedule an appointment with a therapist... I'm starting to think someone else has access to my computer!