Being Nocturnal Like a Sloth Is Better Than Waking Up Early
Science says so, sort of.
If I read one more person espousing waking up at 3:47 am, or whatever insane new time the hustle gurus are pushing today — I’ll carve an alarm clock into a shiv and throw it at them. I’m not an 83-year-old monk, or Mark Wahlberg. I don’t have a monastery to tend to, and I don’t need three workouts before I head off to film a blockbuster movie.
I’m just a normie.
Even worse, I’m a writer.
Being a writer skews my reality in many ways. I can live in Cheeto-covered yoga pants, make shiznit up for a living, and work at 3 pm or 3 am. Creativity doesn’t have a schedule, so neither do I. So the only thing I rise and grind is coffee. Probably at 9 am, or later. Ok, 10 am, or later.
Of course, we’re not all writers, and some of us have to punch a clock, in the face. Even back in my clock-punching days (as opposed to my current clock-throwing days) I’d wake up as late as possible. I’d eat my breakfast hoagie on the commute so that I could sleep in ten glorious minutes later.
Is my bat-like lifestyle so bad though?
Sloths don’t think so.
I spent years feeling like a guilty human armadillo (which is a distant relative to the sloth) because I couldn’t crack the code for early rising. I’d be a grumpy koala until I had my third cup of coffee, and be relatively unproductive until almost noon.
Interestingly, there is a surprisingly long list of lazy animals that somehow survived survival of the fittest.
If they can thrive, so can I.
But why are sloths and eucalyptus-eating, permanently-stoned koalas beloved by humans? While their human night owl counterparts are looked down upon by the 3:17 am early-rising arseholes. We love owls. But owl-like humans, not so much.
Nocturnal humans are treated more like trash pandas, which is what I call raccoons. We’re treated like the human equivalent of feral dumpster-diving, mask-wearing, rabid procyonids.
But life as a human trash panda isn’t really so bad. Here are a few reasons to embrace your inner Batman sleep tendencies:
1. You’re Not a Farmer — And We Have Electricity Now
While we’re at it, can we do away with the archaic practice of daylight savings time? That doesn’t save anyone any time, or sanity.
Before the times of alarm clocks, we rose and set with the sun. But most of us aren’t troglodytes anymore, we’re modern citizens with 24-hour everything to cater to our every whim. Timing our schedules to the sun gods is no longer a requirement. We’ve evolved over many revolutions of the sun.
2. You’ll Go To Bed at 8 PM
It’s funny how childhood punishments become adult rewards. As tempting as early to bed sounds as an adult, it’s impractical. It’s harder to fall asleep while it's still daylight outside because you’re not a vampire (probably). Also, your friends likely won’t invite you over for dinner unless they’re octogenarians who eat at 4 pm.
3. You Won’t Get Your 7–9 Hours Sleep
If you wake at 4 am, or whatever time the hustle crowd is pushing these days, but don’t go to bed at 8 pm — you won’t get enough sleep. Unless you’re in your 20s and can still pull consecutive all-nighters like a meth addict, you need your sleep.
Humans need 7–9 hours of sleep per night on average.
Not me though, if I get less than 8 hours I turn into a bear — I’ll either hibernate for the rest of the day or turn feral and maul you. More accurately I’d be a buzzed bear since sleep deprivation has similar effects to alcohol. A study found that being awake for 17–19 hours equates performance-wise to a BAC (blood alcohol content) of 0.05%.
At 0.08% BAC you’re legally drunk. So if your waking up early detracts from getting enough Z’s — you’re playing life in moonshine mode.
4. Because…Science
If the above was too soft of answers for your analytical mind, then here’s some science for your brainsicle. According to smarty pants scientists, every body has a natural circadian rhythm that it’s born with.
Circadian rhythms, like sleep patterns, can be engrained at the cellular level, although external stimuli can affect and train them. But your body has a natural set point for sleep. One study from 23andMe, of over 85,000 people, found that about 400 genetic markers dictate whether you’ll be a night owl or a morning lark.
Morning people account for about 40% of the population, night owls for 30% and the remaining 30% are somewhere in between.
I haven’t had my genes sequenced, but I’d bet you dollars to doughnuts that my barn-owl booty has the late riser genes.
I just wish teenage me had that study to send to my morning-lark mom as she tried to drag me out of the teenage cocoon I’d made for myself in my dark cave of emo-itude.
5. Because The Sleep Doctor Says So
Dr. Michael Breus, aka “The Sleep Doctor”, and author of The Power of When believes we all have biological sleep clocks. He divides them into four chronotypes using animals (look ma! I was onto something), the dolphin, lion, bear and wolf.
Lions are morning people who naturally rise with the sun.
Bears, the most common sleep schedule, is more general — you’re diurnal (opposite of nocturnal) and sleep at night and are awake during the day.
Dolphins are people who can’t turn their brainsicle off and rarely if ever sleep well. It got its name because dolphins rotate which side of their brain is sleeping at one given time. Famous dolphins include: Margaret Thatcher, Martha Stewart, Thomas Edison, and Barack Obama.
Wolves are the nocturnal pack members and are most productive at night. Famous wolves include: Fran Lebowitz, Bob Dylan, Carl Jung, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Prince.
In terms of my immediate familial pack, my dad and I are wolves and my never-stop mom and sister are dolphins through and through. Both of them could do backflips in their sleep, whereas I sleep like a drunk baby.
6. Operational Efficiency
The idea of late risers being sleepier and less productive than the early-morning-worm-getters is an outdated one. Not only do we score a little higher on IQ tests (although can perform poorer in school due to the early hours), the nocturnally-skewed brain can focus for longer periods of time — especially later in the day.
According to a study of morning vs night people by Entrepreneur.com:
“In the morning test, the early birds and the night owls performed nearly the same in their responsiveness. But there was a gap 10.5 hours later: the night owls showed faster reaction times and were more awake than the early birds.”
Or to put it in analogy format, the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese (or Cheetos).
Morning people, if you’re feeling hard done by with this, know this — society was made for you. Night owls die younger, have higher rates of depression, drink more, smoke more, and have more sexual partners. Although that last one sounds more fun in my books.
So if you’re a semi-nocturnal trash panda like me, and you’d sooner step on a Lego while listening to nails-on-a-chalkboard on repeat than wake up early — don’t worry. Society might not be made for us, but there are upsides to being a human sloth.
Plus, who doesn’t love the cute, dazed smile of sloths?
thank heavens i didn't wake up at 03:47 -
that would mean i fell asleep on the job!
i used to work the graveyard shift & loved being awake while others were sleeping.
If we could only have night school for high school, my kid would have a chance. As it is, he stumbles around and walks into walls while trying to catch the bus.