Ball Sweat and Booby Sludge

A sweatalicious ode to summer’s dubious grandeur

Jun 23, 2025

Heat Hack: put a Freezie in your bra. (Gif from Run the Burbs on Giphy)

Ah, summer, the time when those of us in cold climates have finished cursing away the winter. We shed off our pale skin, air out our stale houses, and then…immediately close them and crank the AC.

As we go from our air-conditioned houses to our air-conditioned cars, let’s not forget how long we waited for this summer weather. Summer weather that, here in Canada at least, lasts approximately 12.7 days. For my friends in warmer climates — feel free to complain that it’s so hot that Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing and Optimus Prime morphed into an air conditioner.

Summer, (or as I call it, 50 Shades of Red), despite having the longest days of the year, is all too short. In celebration of this glorious, hedonistic time, I wrote a little ditty about the high tides and b-sides of summer…

*Ahem.

There are wonderful and joyous things about summer
But then there’s also things that are a bit of a bummer

A Choco Taco from the ice cream trucks
Which now cost twenty friggin bucks

Picnics with some deviled eggs
Testicles that stick to your legs

Hot dogs in the baseball stadium
Clogging up my left-sided atrium

Fresh cottage-country fudge
Ball sweat and boob sludge

Watermelon, perfectly chilled, as a snack
A Slip N Slide ‘o sweat right down my back

Thirst quenched with fresh mojitos
And endless bites from mosquitoes

Bronzing until my skin is nicely tanned?
Burning everywhere, save for my wristband

Nature blooming in synchronicity
AC is eating up all my electricity

Swaying in the breeze at a music fest
But no place for my lazy ass to rest

Sand between my toes while on the beach
Sand stuck in places the sun can’t reach

Fun road trips with friends full of laughs, songs, and chants
Leather seats that make you look like you peed your pants

Jumping in the pool to cool yourself down
Then, having to work, making you frown

Sunblock is everywhere, including in your eyes
Save for the small red blotches on your thighs

A beautiful yard to entertain all your best friends
A spine that hurts from gardening’s back bends

A BBQ for that tasty flame-broiled kiss
Oops, now it’s ‘Cajun’, a meat-timing miss

Hiking through the woods with your best friends for a kick
Then getting Lyme disease from an infernal blacklegged tick

In the heat, both you and your ice cream melt down
You—and everyone else—getting out of downtown

If you’re not barefoot, then you’re overdressed
Frizzy post-pool hair tied up in a bird’s nest

Girls just wanna have sun, because life’s a beach
But lakeside having fun might turn into a leech

Everyone’s running on island time
Being late, our new, habitual crime

But don’t worry, beach happy
Get tired? Take a nappy

Summer is truly the best, blurst, and worst
But before you go thinking you’re heat-cursed
Remember that summer lasts a mere 93.6 days
In winter, you’ll miss the sun’s ball-sweaty rays