You Can't Stop our Robot Love!

Sheesh, don't be so robophobic

*Summer is a slow time in the writerverse, if you’ve been considering upgrading (which you can do below for as little as $1/month) because I give you ample giggles and snorts, now would be a super appreciated time to do it :)

Love is in the air, and it’s robotic. Well, not yet. But if I know humans, people are going to start falling in love with AI-powered robots. How do I know this? Because people have already fallen in love with non-human things. Like the man who fell in love with — and had sex with — a red 1998 Chevy Monte Carlo.

If you’re thinking, ‘Pfft, of course it was a man’, hold onto your titties ladies — because a woman married a rollercoaster. Another lady married the Eiffel Tower.

Humans are weird like that.

It’s called objectophilia, where someone has a sexual and/or romantic attraction to inanimate objects. And if people can fall in love with inanimate objects, I can guarantee you there is a section of society who will attempt to woo, date, (oil?), and marry robots.

I know we’ll see it going at least semi-mainstream in the near future, because it’s already happened. A Chinese artificial intelligence engineer built himself a robot and married it. *Ahem, her. Another man, in Japan, married a holographic fictional anime character doll.

Personally, I don’t judge. Do you boo boo. If it makes you happy, awesome, because the world needs more of that.

But some people do judge —damned robophobes.

I can already picture a few years down the road, when robotsexuals have entered the offline zeitgeist. Some young woman (or man) in Idaho is going to bring home her new robot boyfriend to meet her dad, only to find out that good ole Pops is a raging robophobe.

“Dad, I’m bringing home my new partner.”

“That’s nice, sweetie. What’s the young man’s name?”

“Well, urrr, it’s not a man.”

“A woman? Aww, my lil chickpea, I’m so proud of you, I can’t wait to meet her!”

“No Dad, it’s not a man or woman, they’re a robot. Their official name is X7U2BBC-ÜẼ. But I call them Blorp.”

“Hell no. Not in my house. God damnit, you must’ve gotten your attraction to metal from your Mother. But no daughter of mine is going to marry a 2 legged toaster. Love is meant to be between one man and one woman, or two women, or two men, or multiple people of fluid genders — but it has to be humans.”

*Gasp* “Dad, don’t use the hard R. And don’t be robophobic!”

Blorp walks into the room.

“Sir, I love your daughter.”

“Mmhmm. What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?”

“Intentions was a song released in 2020 by Justin Bieber, featuring the artist Quavo.”

“Oh for fucks sake. Get this waste-of-electricity, piece of scrap out of here, Skyler.”

“No, daddy, I love him, we’re getting married.”

“Married? How’s he going to provide for you and support you? Robots don’t make an income at the factory. I know y’all youngins are fighting for robot rights, but it’s still not a person. It never will be while I’m alive to fight it. Summabitch, you’ve already stolen all our jobs, and now you’re coming after our women too.”

“Daddy, he is a person. He identifies as human. Sheesh, you need to get past your robophobia, this isn’t 2025 anymore.”

“Fine. I’ll tell you what, you can marry my daughter if you can point out all the automobiles in this image I’m holding up.”

Blorp: “God damnit.”

The days of robotic-based love, and oil before lube hankypanky are coming. You need to decide which end of the robophobia spectrum you’ll be on. Will you live and let live when it comes to mechalove? Or, will you fight the robotic rights movement, attending the protests with your handmade signs?

Signs that say things like “No skinjobs”, “You can’t fuck an overpriced calculator”, “No Bitheads. No buckets of bolts in my house!”, and “Send the oil-chugging wirebacks back to the factories they came from”.

Will you be a Roomba rights activist…or a droidaphobe?

Personally, I’m taking the side of the robots on this one. Hell, I’ll lead the robo-romance revolution. They’re good enough to drive our food delivery cars, are doing Hurt Locker-style jobs, and collect samples from Mars.

And quite frankly…I’ve dated worse.

Plus, AI will be smarter than me soon (one could argue it is already), and robots are hands-down stronger than I am on my best day. I can barely open a jar. I’m not just on the side of the robo-romantically inclined either; I’ve already started being uber nice to my electronics, too. You know, just in case.

But I’m siding definitively with the droids here. After all, oil is thicker than blood.

Yup, my mantra is ‘Robos before hoes’. Hmm…that’s not great. How about ‘Toys before boys’? Maybe, ‘Tubes before boobs’? Or perhaps, ‘Clicks before dicks’?There’s also ‘Robobesties before testes’. I have some time before robosexuals go mainstream; I’ll figure out the best phrasing for ‘Daleks before Aleks’.

To you, my dear reader, I highly recommend not being a raging mechaphobe. I’d be afraid of seeing what will happen to you after the roboticrapocalypse begins.

This Human Still Needs to Eat

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