Am I Sexier than a Sex Robot?
And, which does better things with their mouth?
Sex dolls are nothing new, they’ve been lying around since the 1980s. Probably in a closet or basement; hidden away from the prying eyes of judgemental people. But let’s face it, those 80s relics weren’t exactly human-like.
They had bizarre open mouths, were made of cheap blow-up plastic, and definitely not mistakable for a real woman. The chance of re-enacting a pornographic Weekend at Bernie's was slim.
There is little to no chance that I would feel threatened by those airhead (literally) plastic bimbos.
But those days are gone. They are getting creepily lifelike. With human-like designs that include facial movements and AI chatting (that seems to be learning…quickly). They definitely have bigger boobs. You can even pick the nipples you like — and there are over 100 customizable options. My nipples are more of a ‘take it or leave it’ scenario.
Now where do I stand? Am I sexier than today’s sex robots? They are truly stunning looking, in a way that the average real woman can’t compete with. But they still aren’t people. They can’t listen to your day or make you laugh, right?
Turns out the answer is no. Now we’re giving it a mouth, like me. We’re even making them talk. Where does that leave me if they can talk — and, *clutches pearls*, what if that bitch was funnier than me?
Women have been making jokes about their BOBs (battery-operated boyfriends) replacing their real boyfriends for decades now. It seems to be actually happening now though — except that we’re the ones being replaced. Currently, there are about 150 sex robots sold each day, an overwhelming majority of those being male buyers.
I initially wasn’t worried, because you can have sex with a robot doll but it doesn’t have what I have to offer. Errr — right? I personally consider my sense of humor to be one of my best features (alongside my compassion). And sex robots aren’t funny. Right?
Well as I learned down this perverse Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole, that standup comedian Whitney Cummings made a sex robot version of herself a few years ago. And it is off-the-cuff funny.
This clip where she introduced her robot to fellow comedian and close friend Chris D’Elia honestly, rocked my faith in my comedic redemption:
While this unscripted conversation with the robot had its awkward parts — robot Whitney, or ‘Bearclaw’ as she calls it, was better conversation than I’ve had on some first dates.
These seemingly sentient sex robots can now hold a conversation. They are also a lot better at shutting the hell up sometimes than I am. That probably makes them better listeners. And if the men get tired of them they can put them in a closet, legally.
I won’t even ask at what point we have to start asking AI sex robots for consent.
So now I am wondering how real women like me, with all our flaws and endless chatter, will fare in the romantic-partner market in the future. Am I more entertaining than a sexy robot? Am I even sexier than a sexy robot?
I’m cheaper…I think?
The price of sex robots has dropped by 85% over the last decade though. While prices can still be upwards of $15,000 — the average price is just over $3,500. That’s a lot of dinner dates and birthday presents. But I suppose I’d have to look at upkeep and maintenance costs to find out if the robots or I would be cheaper in the long term. For numerous mental-health reasons that’s a spreadsheet I’ll avoid making though.
Another question is, I’m happily single, so do I even care if I am replaced by sexy, funny robots? And should I? Or should I just get myself a male sex robot?
Hmm.
A male sex robot would last as long as I want in bed, so no more ‘damnit, already?’. If it can have the conversation that Whitney’s robot did it can even tell me jokes. It can’t take out the trash but I’ve never understood why that was a big deal to begin with.
And how human would I want my robot man to be? Would I program it to have deep feelings-based conversations — or would I make it like my real-life ex-partners and have it say things like “Man, the 69ers quarterback McStuffinDicker really covered the spread in the 5th quarter” (or…whatever).
Would I want the whole robot — or just keep my BOB? The latter funnily enough is the less of ‘the boyfriend experience’ of the two. Do I want a sex toy, or do I want a man attached to the vibrating penis? And if I want a real man attached to a penis — do I stand a chance?
In the end, I don’t think I’ll get a sex robot boyfriend…because I’m 100% sure I wouldn’t be able to lift it.
When you have your next MRI, could you possibly get them to look at your brain? I really want to see how different it is. I mean I know it’s different, and awesome.
Peace and love
“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation.”
– Audrey Hepburn