14 Weird (Possibly Superhuman) Things All Moms Do
Shit gets weird after the mom gene activates
Moms have a lot of jobs. They’re somehow simultaneously official butt and booger wipers, the CEO of Chaos, and the director of operations, all at once. These positions are not only unpaid, but it’s an internship that costs them about as much as a new Ferrari (even though they do the job in a minivan).
They’re a pack donkey and a sherpa rolled into one, that has to drop everything and make it up to the speeds and strength of an Olympic runner in the event of an emergency.
How do they do all this?
It certainly isn’t that they’re powered by food, since the bulk of their diet consists of whatever food their kids didn’t eat.
Nope — it’s superpowers. They aren’t bitten by a radioactive spider though; their superpowers are activated by the human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) hormone. But much like the spider, the powers are permanent because the kiddo crime-fighting job never ends.
And here are the odd things (or superpowers) that all our moms seem to have developed after becoming a Mamasaurus Rex:
1. Shitty Conversations
A mom’s job is never done, so they’ll just leave the bathroom door open so you can still talk to them. They’ll have a full conversation with you while they’re popping because their multitasking skills apparently know no bound(arie)s.
I guess after having 27 people in the delivery room while you’re pregnantly spread-eagled and pooping on the table (nobody talks about that part, but almost every woman does it), privacy has gone out the window. Especially after you’ve done it multiple times, because the only thing a mom ever forgets is how wild childbirth is.
2. Cleaning Before Company
Before company comes over, moms want their house to look like nobody lives there. By the time they’re done (which is usually in record speed), the house will look like an IKEA showroom. Until then, it’s just a flurried blur of Vishnu-like hands speed cleaning like she’s trying to win an Olympic medal in tidiness.
She cleans the house like there’s a wizard on his way over, and if he sees a normal family-induced, pandemonium-esque slight mess — he’ll put a curse on the family bloodline.
3. Magically Know Where Everything Is
I don’t know what type of operating systems moms run on, but it’s from the future. I call it the Momtrix. Their brain is one giant catalogue of their entire house, and they know where everything is down to the last sock.
This is exceedingly difficult, seeing as some items are moved regularly, but they somehow magically update their home rolodex. The Tooth Fairy ain’t got nothing on The Finding Fairy.
Despite being Momnipotent, they forget the name of which kid they’re talking to at any given moment. This is because all their mental RAM is being used by the stuff rolodex.
4. Booger Removal
Sometimes they’ll do it with their bare hands. Sometimes they’ll pull a little suction device out of their Mary Poppins purse. Sometimes they’ll just suck the baby booger out with their mouth instead because they don’t have an afternoon to go swimming in said purse.
5. The Ther-mom-meter
Moms know when you’re getting sick before you do. They’ll just instantly spot that your skin tone has changed by the tiniest shade or that your voice got the teensiest bit nasal.
They’ve wiped so many boogers that they know instantaneously your boogers are suddenly less basil green and more pickle green, even though this shade change should be indistinguishable to the human eye.
6. Forget Her Own Age
When it comes to the kids, she remembers their ages, their birthdays, their blood type, their social security number, and what songs played on the radio at your third birthday party. But ask her how old she is, and she’ll buffer like 90s internet. It’s not that she’s ashamed of her age; she just forgot. Again, her brain RAM was occupied by other things.
7. A Lick and a Promise
Mom saliva is practically an endless fountain of Mr. Clean. Despite it theoretically being the same mouth spit that we all have, hers works better at cleaning up our whoopsies than the purple colored Fabuloso.
Yes, she’ll have wet wipes everywhere and be a true Wizard of Wipes, but who has time for that when her mouth is an endless source of Lysol.
8. Talking to Herself
Everyone talks to themselves, but moms have a particular brand of it. It’s a personal narrator that’s 60% sass, 30% Disney princess and 10% exasperation.
9. Butt Sniffing
Moms sniff butts. It’s just the easiest way to tell if a diaper has been dookied in. Although that’s only if their dookie mental telepathy hasn’t kicked in by the time the child’s bowels start moving.
10. Have Snacks in Weird Places
Moms are practically human vending machines. They’re the family’s Chief Snack Officer. She’ll have Goldfish in her purse, a grilled cheese in her pocket, and a full skid of Lunchables in her trunk. Moms have a cornucopia of snackology.
And yet she forgets to eat herself.
When she remembers, she eats that three-day-old Cheerio stuck in her hair, and somehow that powers the Mom-a-tron for the next few hours.
11. Can Turn Anything Into a Song
Moms are like Mary Poppins; they can turn anything into a song. This might be because she can’t remember the words to all the nursery rhymes. Or it might be because she’d stab somebody with a rattle that she carved into a shiv if she have to hear ‘the wheels on the bus’ one more time.
12. Monkey Feet
Momagers are constantly juggling so many things that their hands are generally full. So they need to activate their toe power and turn it into a functional third hand.
Oh, she can’t reach that dropped baby blanket because she has a child on each arm and the third (probably feral one) hanging off one leg? No problem, monkey feet the summabitch up to where it’s needed.
13. Ultrasonic Hearing
You know the old adage, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”
It does. I know, because my mom heard it.
The ultrasonic hearing of moms everywhere means they can hear everything. She can hear you creeping out of your room after bedtime, she can hear a look that you shoot to your friend, and a feather falling on a leaf in the yard.
It’s tunable too; they can tune out the 1017th repetition of the Baby Shark song while keeping their hearing open for any disturbances in the child force.
14. Human Lie Detector
Moms can scan you like they’re The Terminator and determine if you’re lying. They’re the Mominator. I’m assuming they use their super-human vision and hearing to detect changes in pulse and any expansion of your retina.
That’s the only thing that can explain how they know immediately that you did something weird, like slip a raw potato into your bed for a midnight snack because you assume your body heat and friction will turn it into french fries.
Thank goodness for the superpowers of moms. The world would be weird if quirky moms didn’t exist. Dads are fun and responsible and all, but the world would be more feral, and there would definitely be fewer snacks (apart from pocket jerky).
But don’t worry, dads — you have your own eccentric set of dadly superpowers, and it’s coming up next.
Back to moms. Moms, if your kid hasn’t told you every day (the least they can do after turning your cervix into a hula hoop) that you’re awesome, allow me.
The mom-umental effort you put into raising us, despite being half feral-raccoon and half mombie due to the energy that requires (while running on fumes), is deeply appreciated.
Moms, this world is a brighter place because of you. Your made-up sing songs, your computer-like memory, your total lack of shame, and your surprisingly deep bathroom conversations make all our lives more sparkling.
Join Robin’s Hood…
Writing is my only income. Bad life decisions aside, I’d love for you to become a paid supporter of Robin’s Hood and join our band of merry mofos. We’d be happy to have you at any level that’s comfortable…
$1 per month ($10/year) ~ $2 per month ~ $3 per month ~ $4 per month ~ $5 per month
Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.
LOVE. Would it be overreach if I sent this to my adult sons and demanded that they read it in front of me?
Love the raw potato midnight snack. Dang why didn’t I think of that! Every Mom Matters