13 Social Etiquette Rules Everyone Secretly Hates

Pinkies up motherfuckers. (Gif by Mike Tuck on Giphy)

The high-falutin’ rules of social etiquette are largely remnants of a culture long gone by. But here we are, following them, like they’re applicable in a world where we’re poking computers with sticks and eating ass.

I certainly wasn’t invited to the High Council of Social Rule Maker Uppers, since I disagree with a lot of them.

It isn’t just me; the people of Reddit, social media, and my circles of friends seem to disagree with a lot of them, too. And here are the ones that seem to irk people the most:

1. Don’t Speak ill of the Dead

Mhmm, I hear you. But what if they are a weapons-grade douchenozzle? Life is for the living, and the undead among us need closure. Sometimes, saying that the recently deceased is about as missed as a salad on all-you-can-eat ribs day is cathartic.

Sometimes saying ‘I’m glad they made like a shepherd and got the flock out of here’ is apropos.

Also, what about roasting the dead? If nobody posthumously roasts me, I’ll haunt them until they do. You’ll see a transparent apparition of me until you say something like ‘She was about as useful as a soup sandwich’, or ‘Rolling her eyes so much never helped her find her brain’.

2. Food-in-Face Fears

Society seemed to have a secret meeting to decide that we should all be afraid of telling someone if they have an entire sprig of kale stuck to their tooth. Or if their breath smells like a fart.

But I think we’d all want to be told if our mouth smells like we just finished eating ass. I’ll take a tic tac over social niceties.

3. Respect your Elders

That’s great if they’re wise and kind, when they’re the Gandalf of elders. But some are buttholes and dicks. Elderholes, if you will. Respect is a two-way street, and the respecting your elders thing is a speed bump on a one-way road.

I don’t care if someone crawled out of the primordial ooze eons ago; I’m only going to be nice and respect you if you’re a good person.

4. Calling Out Assholian Behavior

If someone is acting like a super douche wrapped in a crunchy buttmunch coating, it’s considered societally rude to call them a human fartbox. In backwardsian thinking, the assholian behavior seems more acceptable than calling them out on it.

5. Salary Secrets

Corporations aren’t Hogwarts Academy for Upwardly Mobile Wizards. But yet it feels like a faux pas to tell people how much money you make. I’m thinking Big Corp did this so that the underpaids won’t know they’re being paid less than their buddy Dave, who spends 6/7ths of the day in the bathroom.

6. Gift-Opening Drama

The culture of opening a gift in front of the giver is odd. Suddenly, we have to put on an impromptu Daniel-Day-Lewis-calibre performance about how much we like that sweater we just got, even though we can see it’s too small and its fabric looks about as comfortable as cuddling with a porcupine.

7. The No Hats For Anything Rule

The decision that it’s rude to wear hats indoors, at work, or at the dinner table is just bonkeriffic. Maybe it completes the ensemble. Maybe I’m hiding a Medusa head full of snakes. Hats are fine.

8. The Offer Thrice Declined

It’s wild having to offer someone something more than once, like a piece of cake or to pay the check, so that they can decline it the first time. Or a second time. What sort of mindfuckery game is this? We’re not psychics. If you want the double-glazed bacon donut, just take it.

9. Playing Work Dressup

This might be my millennial showing, but corporate workwear seems dumb. Who decided that men should tie a tiny noose around their neck before starting work every day?

It makes even less sense these days when half the workforce is at home. Now we have bougie people sitting in offices where nobody sees the clothes they were forced to spend too much money on.

Even worse is working at home and having to buy fancy tops (because we’re all not wearing pants) just to be on a Zoom with other people working from home who, the second the Zoom is over, will change back into that old concert t-shirt from the 90s that still smells like Teen Spirit and weed.

10. Making Up Excuses to Not Go To That Dumb Thing

We just don’t want to go. We shouldn’t have to invent colonoscopies to avoid going to that wedding for the fourth cousin twice removed that we met once and hated anyway.

11. Loving All Your Family Members — Even THAT One

What sort of Game of Thrones shit is this, where we’re expected to be loyal to somebody because three generations ago they shared a womb with the same nut juice as our grandfather?

Blood might be thicker than water, but in that rock-paper-scissors scenario, chlorine in the gene pool wins.

12. ‘Congrats, You’re-Not-Dead-Yet’ Singing

I like balloons, confetti, and other birthday decorations. But balloons are weird. It’s a decoration that’s a rubber ball of your stanky breath. Errhm…happy birthday.

It’s also weird to celebrate another rotation around the sun by writing their name and your name on a piece of paper.

But, back to the point, the happy birthday song is the weirdest of all. Many of us hate singing in public, and droning out a melodic anthem to celebrate that somebody didn’t die this year is weird. Kudos on it being short, but even those 15 seconds feel like eternity.

13. Tipping Tidal Waves

All my non-North American readers are shaking their heads because they think tipping is a ludicrous concept. These days, I think most of us in North America agree. But we still do it.

And we hate it. Especially lately, where you have a digital tip screen (with ever-increasing amounts) for everything, from your fast food order to your dry cleaning to dress shopping. I know bakers knead the dough, but so do we.

I know money is the root of all evil, but trust me, I’m cleansed enough of my money on a regular basis.

It’s time we did away with tipping. The only things I want to be tipping are cows and canoes.

Well, there was the rant that absolutely nobody asked for.

But sometimes we need a reminder that society evolves, and rules, much like our favorite pair of pants, don’t fit forever.

Give Money to a Stranger on the Internet?

It is weird when you put it like that. But I’m weird, and you’re reading my stuff, so you’re probably a bit off kilter yourself…

$1 per month ($10/year) ~ $2 per month ~ $3 per month ~ $4 per month ~ $5 per month

Don’t have any money? Don’t worry, me neither, and I still love you.