13 Microfeminism Hacks to Hilariously Clap-Back at Misogynists
Add a little flair to your mansplained day
My microfeminism started young. Eight-year-old me was (un)surprisingly already a little precocious. When the menfolk would ask me if I was going to help the women in the kitchen prepare dinner — and then do the dishes — I’d say…‘Aren’t you?’ Then the men would take the head seats and first servings.
I was extremely unpopular for this.
I regret nothing.
To this day, it irks me. I’d love to see it turned into a fun game, like where if they can name their children’s schools, pediatricians, and shoe sizes, they can get the head seat. And possibly some sort of sticker as a reward, because I love stickers, and I’d probably get to keep them.
Fast forward decades later, and, sadly, women still aren’t regularly sitting at the head of the table. At home, girls are still being told to help with dinner and dishes; at work, women are asked more than their male counterparts to do things like make coffee and slice and distribute birthday cake.
Not me, I’m never handed a knife then told to do something ‘womanly’.
Many men have come a long way. Women have more allies than ever, and thank bejeezus for that. But there are still some misogynistic asshats doing assholian things (and yes, there are some misandrist women too). Whenever I encounter one of those (increasingly rare) ‘let me talk to the man in charge’ neanderthals, I have fun messing with them.
Like with microfeminism.
There are plenty of ways to add microfeminism to your day that could give you a laugh.
‘Robin, aren’t you going to offend the menfolk with these?’
Possibly. But it’ll be a tiny minority of my audience. It’ll be the same minority of men who do the things listed below. The things that you’re flipping the feminist switch on. Also, if you’re triggered by a little gender-bender, you probably have bigger problems with this world than this silly humor post.
Also, only do it to the real asshats.
The ones who pat you on the head as they pat you on the ass. You know, showing off that they can do that patting the head while rubbing the stomach trick. It often coincides with the men who have egos so big that it pays rent in their mirrors.
I’ll give you an example that happened to me a little while ago to hopefully get even the menfolk on my side here. There’s a man who goes to the dog park near me. He was lecturing us women on how most of our health issues aren’t real.
You know, my genetic health condition, Ehlers Danlos, which, according to him, could be fixed by going to the gym. Oh, and eating healthy. Despite my diet including things like begrudgingly eating kale, and him eating so much McDonald’s that he’s half BigMac now (the bottom half).
According to this barnacle of a man, ‘If these female health conditions were real, men would have them too’. I think someone failed basic biology courses.
…so the funny feminist microaggressions are for these types of dudes.
If you’re thinking, isn’t this passive-aggression just fueling the epidemic of a tiny handful of men acting like petulant children? Maybe, but making them recognize misogynistic choices is better than staying quiet. And when you can do it weaponizing humor, muah — chef’s kiss. Everybody gets a laugh, and hopefully a lesson is learned.
Or at least you get a laugh.
Anyhoozy, here we go…
Are you the only woman in the office and you’re asked to do things like make coffee or prep lunches? Fabulous (opportunity, that is). Weaponize fake incompetence to avoid being asked to do it again by adding something on-hand, like salt. Go a step further by bringing something diabolical from home to add, like blue cheese.
If you get lewdly cat-called, reply with ‘Sorry, I don’t have any spare change.’
In the situation where a man repeatedly talks over you at work, pull out a magic wand you brought for the occasion and say ‘Let me bibbidi bobbidi speak, Carl’.
Perhaps you work in a male-dominated field, and the menfolk can’t get your name right. They might turn your name, Kyla, into Kyle, and Louisa, Louis. Start Uno-reversing them and turn the tables right back around. Instead of replying back to ‘George’, reply back to “Georgia”. If there isn’t an easy flipperoo to be had, just go wild, and ‘Steve” becomes “Ethyl”.
If a man infuriatingly followed up a compliment with ‘for a woman’, flip the script, and do the same. ‘You mowed the lawn pretty well, for a man.’ ‘You really dropped an epic butt bomb in the bathroom, for a man.’
Should anyone ask you if you have children, because what are we without being sperm jacuzzis-turned sex-trophy-factory — reply with, ‘Not that I know of’.
If your office is too ‘bro-ey’, add in a little sparkle. Whenever you want to congratulate them, instead of their normal fist pump or chest bump, just yell out ‘Yass queen!’. The fun ones will play along, and they may just feel empowered to not have to be hypermasculine all the time.
If a man tells you to ‘smile’, reply with ‘you first.’ If they smile, give them a ‘good boy’, and skedaddle away with a hop, skip, and a jump.
Did a man in your office accuse you of ‘being emotional’ for something human like crying over your favorite coworker retiring? Flip the script. Next time that man gets angry or rude, say, ‘Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all emotional, but if you need a tampon just pop by my desk’.
Are you out on a date and he starts telling you what a ‘crazy bitch’ his baby mama is? Give him the deadbeat dad quiz. Ask him the names of their pediatrician, teachers, and best friends, and what size shoes their kids wear.
If a man is talking about a female politician’s looks or likability in a derogatory way, start calling their favorite male politicians by their features instead of their name. For example, Gavin Newsom becomes that pretty guy with the flippy hair, or that guy who looks like he’d play a president in a Hollywood blockbuster. Or call the male politicians by their first name. Good ole Baracky, I miss that dude.
If a serial-offending man’s getting married, compliment him on his maiden name—then ask him what his new last name will be. That system of name-taking is weird, and I think we should pick an entirely new name after marriage, like Batman. Well, not me, then I’d be Robin Batman.
Start referring to any misogynistic men in your life, Handmaid’s Tale-style. Use their wives’ names as their identifier. Now they’re not Mark Smith, they’re Mark of Jennifer. Steve of Sophia, Eric of Evelyn, etc. Any man with a good sense of humor and the ability to recognize sexism will laugh. They’ll also feel like the Duke of Something.
I’ll probably do that last one with my dude friends, just because they’ll find it hilarious. And I’ll definitely do it with my brother-in-law. One time, his dart league trophy said ‘Kenny Wilding’, which is mine and my sister’s last name, not his. Like a good man, he took it in stride and laughed.
Then I made him a t-shirt about it. It said “World’s Okayest Brother-in-Law” on the front. And “Kenny ‘Sister Fucker’ Wilding” on the back.
Like most men, he’s got a great sense of humor; he wore that thing until it turned to tatters. Well, he wore it after that too, because some men don’t get rid of favorite shirts; they wait until it grows legs and crawls away on its own.
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I've got to remember to read your posts first thing in the morning. They just start my day off in the best way.
I am blessed to have a shortage of men in my life who are deserving of these conversational gambits. My guys (both family and coworkers) would by and large find these hilarious. 🖖🏼