How To Curse Like a Motherfucker In Writing

The unwritten (and possibly made-up) rules for writing profanely

'Wait, Robin, you’re a humor writer—not an advice giver-er’

Yeah, but I’m also a writer who’s been in the writing trenches for over 15 years. One who’s sick of bullshit advice that’s boring—and probably lying to you.

To be honest, I could make buttload of money monetizing a Substack here with tips like ‘Learn How I Got 1000 Subscribers in Just 3 Months’, but I won’t. Because you don’t have almost two decades of experience, or the connections I’ve built over the years that helped me hit the ground running here. It would be a lie, a profitable one, but still bullshizzle.

I’ve got some great tips on how write shiznit that people pay attention—so I’m going to test one out here.

I may start a second Substack for ‘writing advice that doesn’t suck gonads’, or if people find it helpful I can include it occasionally here. Let me know in the comments.

Now, back to boring intros that make readers’ eyes glaze over like they’re a day-old Krispy Kreme donut…

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Oh look—me as a brunette.

Do you curse more than Jonah Hill does in The Wolf of Wall Street (107 times)? Do you think Go the Fuck to Sleep was the best children’s book ever written? Is the book Unfu*k Yourself your self-help go-to?

Then you might want to begin dabbling with cursing in your writing. But before you go full ‘Joe Pesci in the movie Casino’ (where he said the word ‘fuck’ 241 times), let’s go over some basic ground rules and skills. Capiche?

One more funfuckingtastic fact: Pulp Fiction had 265 F-bombs in it.

Now let’s get onto some ballsy cursing tips (using more movies as examples because movies are just written scripts read out loud).

Don’t Curse AT People

A lightning-fast way to alienate your reader is to call them a fucking asshole, or a wankspangled cock toboggan. Don’t curse at your reader, and ideally not at any person in particular. If you do, the only asshole will be yourself. To put that more eloquently: swear in description, not in proclamation, or as an insult.

Just remember though — cursing doesn’t always make you new friends:

Make It Funny

You can get away with a lot of shiznit if you make it funny. Humorous cursing is also less offensive in general. In the words of my eternal man-crush Ryan Reynolds, “ ‘This party is shitty’ isn’t nearly as effective as ‘This party’s a total shit symphony.’ That gives it a little zhuzh.”

Humorous cursing can be a great place to begin for writers, as it generally comes off as the least offensive.

You could start off with an obscenity softball, by dropping an innocent “whoopsy-fuck”. Or, try adding a knock-knock joke, like Tom Hanks:

Have it Evoke Emotion

Expletives are for extra emphasis and are especially emotive. Tap into the emotion you want to draw out in the reader. For example, ‘for fucks sake’ connotes exasperation.

Cursing can be used to elicit a number of reactions, from exasperation to anger to laughter. So pick your profanity based on the emotion you’re looking to elicit.

But don’t just throw in ‘fucking’ 37 times—you’ll look like a fucking idiot.

Use It Sparingly

What do Joe Pesci, Jonah Hill, and Samuel L. Jackson have in common? They can get away with a lot more shit than you probably can. Don’t overdo the swearing; it is far more effective when used sparingly.

If you curse too much you’ll end up sounding like a petulant, angsty adolescent. Or, like Malcolm Tucker in The Thick of It (angry):

Swearing sparingly can accentuate a point, but like with most other things — if you overuse it then it loses its magical powers.

Unless you’re Samuel L. Fucking Jackson and you use it so often it becomes your catchphrase:

If you’re wondering how often is ‘overdoing it’, there is no hard and fast rule of thumb. But I’d say don’t curse more than once every 100 words (ideally, less).

Be Authentic

Can you say the curse word without twitching like a meth tweaker? In my experience, most people who can’t curse in real life can’t curse effectively in writing. At least not without practice.

For some people, cursing rolls off the tongue — or pen — better. Like in this lineup in The Usual Suspects. Some are more natural at the line “Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker” than others:

For Kevin Pollak, the phrase is practically boring and commonplace, Gabriel Byrne isn’t comfortable saying it at all — and Stephen Baldwin fails in his overacting by trying to be Samuel L. Jackson.

Figure out if swearing fits in naturally in your writing by reading it out loud, like it’s a movie script. Where did you fall on the Pollak-Byrne-Baldwin scale?

Intensifiers?

Sometimes people use an expletive simply as intensifiers. For example, replacing the word “very” with “a damned” or “a fucking”. So, “a very good idea”, becomes “a damned good idea”, or “a fucking good idea”. This doesn’t serve much purpose though, albeit I am guilty of having done this my fucking self.

Don’t Fucking Asterisk Sh*t

The cursing community can be at odds over this one, but I’m in the camp that if you’re going to curse…just curse. If you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t use it? (But keep reading below, there are options!).

To me, this is what using an asterisk sounds like:

I find using asterisks in cussing the weirdest form of self-censorship. But then again, it’s your writing — do whatever the fuck you want.

‘Can I swear on Medium?’

Technically, yes. I do it all the time. However, some pubs don’t allow it (and they’ll asterisk your sh*t). My buddy Jason Provencio wrote an article about Why the F*ck Are You Editing Your Sh*t? But at his pub, you can curse all you’d like (no asterisk required). Or, as he told me:

“Using an asterisk is ridiculous. Everyone knows the word you’re trying to say. You’re not fooling anyone when you say, “F*ck that sh*t” Sack up and come real with it. Your readers will respect you more for being authentic.”

Nicely said Jason.

‘Hey Robin, didn’t you asterisk the word F*ck in your Medium header?’

God damnit, you clever motherfuckers. Yes, because in a graphic it can look more ‘graphical’. But in writing, you just look like a pussy.

Make Words Up

If you want to curse, particularly in comedic writing, but are unsure — start with near swear words. They sound like cursing but technically aren’t. For example: shiznit (instead of “shit”), frickin’ (instead of fucking), dagnabbit, etc. You can work your way up to ballsier curses, like cockwaffle and thundercunt.

Here’s a fake swear word generator to help you come up with pansy-arsed alternatives to cursing. And here are a ton of other examples (you may want to write some down):

Keep Your Audience in Mind

Are your readers Christian grandmas? Then probably don’t curse. Millennial moms? They seem to love a good cuss here and there. Just keep your readers in mind when deciding if you’ll curse and what words you’ll use.

Also, keep what you’re writing in mind. Swearing shouldn’t be used in anything trying to come across as formal or academic, as swearing can lower credibility. Exhibit A: the fucknugget author writing this.

Literarily, it’s a tough call. For example, if you’re writing fiction and your work is about a platoon full of jarheads — it just isn’t realistic for them to be PG. But it probably wouldn’t have been popular for Stephen Hawking to title his book A Brief Fucking History of Time.

Final Thoughts

The above are just some guidelines to keep in mind as cursing in writing is more of an art than a science.

Have I broken my own rules above? Yes, yes I have…because I’ve figured out how much I can get away with, and do it authentically.

Your job is to figure out what will be authentic for you, what your audience will appreciate or handle (and what they won’t), and how to go about it.

Good forking luck.

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