Foot Fetishes and Fuckboys — Why Disney Princes Are Feral

What weird fairyfail romances they’ve spun

Image by Freepik

In my last Stack, I recorded a video of myself reading it out loud. This time, I brought reinforcements. One thing I love about Substack is how community-oriented it is—and community is where the magic happens.

With that in mind I’ve had one of the weirdos I’ve collected over the years,

Rikki Doppler

, read it. Go check her out, she’s wonderfully eccentric.

Rikki did an amazeballs job reading this poem on problematic Disney princes.—and it’s a real mouthful.

Anyhoo, without further—Here’s…Rikki.

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*Ahem.

Let’s begin with Cinderelly’s Prince Charming
who in reality is anything but royally disarming
he throws rapper-grade parties, inviting all the bitches
an evening soiree to show off his mind-numbing riches
falls in love with a party girl so drunk she lost her shoe
the next day, without makeup, he can’t recognize his boo
a myth became legend and Cindyrelly was an embellish
it’s merely the story of a frat boy with a foot fetish

Next up on the docket of poorly made-up prince tales
is Snow White’s dear beau, the epitome of douchey males
his name is Prince Florian but he’s a dead-ringer for Charming
the fact these princes all look alike should be a little alarming
his love interest is a 14-year-old nascent
his kink is blatantly necrophilic adjacent
he’s a somnophile who likes an unconscious tween
a walking red flag she should’ve stabbed in the spleen

Speaking of perverts found in the woods
Prince Phillip is certainly a pervert that could
Sleeping Beauty’s dear prince was also a somnophile
stop kissing passed-out women with your defile
maybe he learned that during his stint in prison
but for fucks sake, wait for your lady to have risen
also, it's weird your only friend is a horse
let's hope you keep the horse in the divorce

Speaking of princes that are a zoophilist
Prince Eric fell in love with a fish that he kiss’t
She’s such a good listener! is what he thought
but in reality, she was suddenly mute and distraught
he quickly ditched her for Vanessa, a sea witch in disguise
ignoring her Flotsam and Jetsam serpenty spies
then he fish-like flip-flopped back to our girl, Ariel
let’s face it, this dude could fall in love with a bowl of cereal

But what about Aladdin you ask with a hopeful wish?
well allow me to spill to you the ultimate dish
Aladdin’s a Tinder-like fuckboy of the highest possible order
he’s oddly, a liar and illegal-pet-monkey-having hoarder
lying to girls about carpet-based far far-flung vacations
in reality, only showing you his cave of wonders for relations
Aladdin’s a catfish who’s only wealth is a crypto scam
he’s a stalker who broke into Jasmine’s room with a cam

Peter Pan — he’s not a prince, but neither was Aladdin technically
he’s the literal poster boy of men who won’t grow up theoretically
if you want to be with The Pan be ready for his jelly ex Tinkerbell
and he’ll ditch you for ‘his boys’, isn’t that just perfectly swell
he wears tights and rags — and I’m pretty sure he’s delusional
Peter is the ultimate manchild and delinquent juvenile

Are there any princes that make for a suitable mate?
or these days is Disney completely, utterly out of date?

My pick of the prickly prince pack is Beauty’s The Beast
of all the problematic fuckboys, his issues are the least
yes he was controlling but if I lived in a castle
I’d never want to leave and go back to the hassle
of a life without gay utensils tending to every whim
even if Beasty’s mirror spycam’s a debaucherous sin
these days all it takes to end my tale like a fairy
is for The Beast to give this bitch a frickin library

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If this ‘poem’ goes over well I’ll flip the script and write one about how the Disney princesses all boarded the Hot Mess Express, including how Snow White’s stint into polyamory might have set unrealistic standards for her for Prince Monogamy.

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